Today has been "one of those days" in the world of my anxiety. From the outside it should have been a perfect day and it's one of those days someone described to me as my "guilty days". If you don't have issues with anxiety then you may not understand the feeling, but it's the guilt you feel when you should be having a good time, but just can't because of all that is on your mind as a "what if". That was today.
I had my boys with me overnight and so I didn't have to worry about them traveling anywhere in the bad weather we had. We had a great day with minimal disagreements. At dinner they even said it was a great day. Nothing better than having your kids say they had a great day right? Don't get me wrong...it really is wonderful and the feeling isn't lost on me. But with it comes all the other mess in my head!
I won't go into all the messy details, because they will quite honestly make me sound totally insane. But, even though it is insane, it's still there and I can't make it go away. And...it REALLY sucks! I have to wonder if the majority of the things in my life were settled and not sources of stress, if things would get better surrounding my fears about the boys. I doubt it though because I honestly don't remember a time since having them where I haven't felt this way and things haven't always been this stressful.
So, I'll just keep talking myself down from the ledge like I always do and try to do better on Friday when they're with me all day again.
P.S. - I felt the need for a little clarification after reading this over. I in no way, shape, or form want to hurt myself. The "ledge" is proverbial. I'm not, nor have I ever been, suicidal. Anxiety sucks, but it is manageable, and I'm doing quite well if I do say so myself. I do my very best every day to be sure that my kids experience so many things that I myself am afraid to do so that they do not share my fears when they grow up. I don't mind showing the normal amounts of motherly worry to my children, because they do need to learn to keep themselves safe. The extra stuff I keep in my own head.
I've received several e-mails about my first post on anxiety and I know that a lot of mothers have the same issues I do. We're not crazy and we're still good parents. We just got an extra dose of the worry gene!