Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Big News!

So I can't keep a secret about myself worth a darn! If you're friends with me on Facebook then you already know this, but I got a job as a receptionist with Weight Watchers!!!!! I am being hired a little early as I have not yet reached my goal weight but I have six months to take the remaining weight off and now I have tons of motivation to do so because this job has been a dream for a while now. I will start as a receptionist and once I have reached lifetime membership we may discuss going into a meeting leader role!

I mentioned at the beginning of the new year that I had some goals for 2011 but that I didn't want to share them until they happened so that people weren't asking me why I hadn't accomplished them. Well, working for WW was a goal for 2011 and achieving that within the first month of the new year has me pretty energized for what the rest of the year may hold!

Now, I'm a broke college student right now so any money coming in will be nice, but I'm not going to get rich with WW. But, I believe in this program so much that I'd do this even if they weren't going to pay me. When I was asked why I want to work for WW I had more answers than she probably needed. There is no limit to the good things I can say about this program and how I feel now. Part of working for them is keeping myself accountable. If I have to keep myself at a healthy weight to stay employed, then there is a lot of motivation to stay on track. But way more important that that is that I want to get others to where I am! I want others to see how much better they will feel and how much they can do that they probably never thought they could. If someone suggested a year ago that I'd be running now, I'd have asked them what was chasing me. I had resigned myself to being overweight and had so many excuses for staying that way that I never would have guessed I'd be over 50 pounds lighter and working for the company who helped me get there.

So, if you're thinking at all about this program please let me know! Ask me questions, come to a meeting with me! I want everyone to be as happy with themselves as I am now!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Modern Fairy Tales

"Do modern day singles need modern day myths?" If you're a super-fan of Sex and the City then you probably recognize this quote from Carrie Bradshaw. I am a mega-fan of the show! Oddly enough the very first time I saw an episode I hated it and refused to watch another. But then I happened to catch a few more and now to say that I'm a SATC addict is sort of an understatement. I have the entire series and have watched it more times that I can count and own both movies. I want to be Carrie joke. And yes, I know how pathetic that sounds...I don't care.

The movie was on TV last night and despite the fact that they had to cut out all of the good parts like Gilles Marini totally naked, I still had to watch it. Two parts of the movie (and yes this will spoil it if you haven't seen it, so be warned and stop reading if you care) made me think of my opening quote. The first scene that got me thinking was when Steve and Miranda meet on the Brooklyn Bridge after spending time apart deciding if they want to work on their marriage. Miranda had checked out of the marriage and devoted too much time to work and Steve had an affair. Their therapist suggest they pick a place to meet and if they both show up then the past has been put behind them and they'll start over. Of course, when that day comes, they both show up. There are tears, hugs and kisses. It's a great moment for a romantic like me. But is it just a modern fairy tale? If this wasn't a scene in a movie would they have both shown up, or would one of them be standing on the bridge alone?

The second scene, or scenes in this case, is everything from Carrie going to her computer to find all of the love letters Big has been writing to her until the very end of the movie. Every single thing about this part of the movie made me jump up and down. Even though self-respecting women should really hate Big and think Carrie a spineless moron to keep going back to him, many of us love them and so this was the happy ending we all wanted. But outside of a movie? Would any man write e-mails like that? Would any man go back to the house at the 11th hour to rescue the shoes? Would the woman run back into his arms and would he really have proposed again? Would any man whisper part of a poem in her ear or call her girlfriends? Even though nothing about this movie is the typical fairy tale we were told as children, isn't it just a modern day fairy tale?

So we're older now and Cinderella and Rapunzel have moved out of our lives (unless we have children to relive them with), so do we need fairy tales for our modern adult lives? I know it's a movie and I know it's just supposed to be entertaining. But does it serve some purpose for hopeless romantics like myself? Do I need to believe that the Mr. Big's of the world exist and can change into happy husbands? Do I need to believe that two people could go through something really awful and come out happy on the other side? This is my modern day fairy tale, and I know fairy tales don't come true.

But yeah, I still need to believe.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Stuff from the Weekend

This was not one of my better weekends. I didn't have the boys on Friday night or at all on Saturday like I normally do, so I was really missing them this morning when it was time to come home. Then they didn't want to come home :( Parenting is hard, but parenting after a divorce is twice as hard. My ex is truly a great guy and even though we fight sometimes and don't always agree on things, I could have it a whole lot worse...and so could he (he might even admit that). I am very fortunate that he wants to have a very active role in their lives. I am thankful for that since I know so many women who don't have that for their kids. Heck, my own father is a total deadbeat. But things can get complicated when both of us want to be with them all the time, and that clearly can't happen.

So we're in this position now where they are old enough to give their input, but not old enough to totally make the decisions about everything. Well, I don't think they're old enough, but I suspect my ex does. So it's a fine balance of trying to be fair to each other and the children and today was just frustrating. There's also something going on with my oldest and how he's feeling about me right now and I can't get him to really tell me what's going on so that's complicating things even more. If anyone said parenting is easy, then they've clearly never tried. It's amazing how two little people can make me question my every thought and action! I wouldn't change a thing though, truly I wouldn't.

Something very good did happen this weekend though, I got a new Kindle!!!! I had a Kindle that was given to me by a very good (and very generous) friend after he upgraded to an iPad and learned I wanted a Kindle. I wasn't sure how much I would use it, but I love technology and it did not disappoint. Especially when I learned that many of the novels I have to read for school are free (I guess because they're so old). It was saving me a ton of money on books each semester. But clumsy me, I plugged it in the other day and had it sitting on my desk to charge where I forgot about it and then rolled my chair over the cord. Let's just say that the outcome was not pretty!

I felt like crap of course, and wouldn't you know, the giver of said Kindle happened to text me at that exact moment to ask me if anything exciting was happening. He should know better than to ask me something like that! It seems like I always have some drama going on. Anyway, this very kind friend replaced my Kindle! Now I have a shiny new one which my youngest son is enjoying as I type this. I'm not exactly sure how many times I can thank him before he tells me to shut up, but I figure I'll go a few more past that ;) I love, love, love it! It's so nice to have the ability to put most of the books I need for school on it and take them with me wherever I go. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE paper books and will always live in a house that looks like a library threw up in it. But, the Kindle is a very helpful addition to my world!

So, when you read this...Thank You!!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Today Was a Good Day!

I've been complaining and feeling low a lot lately, so I figure I should update you when I'm feeling good too! I did get my butt to Weight Watchers and since my scale at home is broken (it says my 8-year-old weighs 245 pounds) I had no idea what to expect. I got up there and the receptionist asked me how I thought I did and I told her I had no clue. I lost 2.4 pounds! I just about fell off the scale! Honestly though, I haven't been that bad when it comes to tracking and my food choices. I've also been working out like a lunatic, so I hoped it would show up. But since I hadn't been totally on program and things had been going downhill, I expected they would continue. The loss was a pleasant surprise, especially the amount!

I confessed to the meeting room that I had planned to skip the meeting and my leader made a good point. Would I let my kids drop out of sports just because they weren't winning? No, I wouldn't, so why drop out of something that is good for me when it isn't going perfect? I felt great when I left the meeting and even though I didn't get to have lunch with my girls, it was a really great afternoon. I even stopped at Costco and refilled my supply of bananas and lettuce. Have to be prepared! So, now I'm back to about 8 pounds from my goal weight with a renewed desire to get there.

To round out my good day, I went to see my kids run at an indoor track meet. They seemed to have more fun than they usually do (though they always enjoy them) and participated in a few extra races. As weird as this might sound, it feels so much better going to their track meets now that I've lost weight. I always felt so out of place at them when I was heavy. It felt like I was saying "do as I say, not as I do" to my kids. Of course, I guess I was. Now, if I really wanted to, I might be able to do a few of those races myself.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I'm a Poor Role Model

I've had quite a few people contact me to ask my about Weight Watchers over the past few days. I love to tell people about the program because I believe in it so much and I know it can help so many people.

But I feel like a terrible role model right now. I've gained 5-6 pounds since Christmas and just can't get myself back in the groove for some reason. It has nothing at all to do with the program, it's just me. I know I have to get myself back on track though or that 5-6 pounds is going to have 45 more friends show up. I can't have that! I feel too good and frankly I can't afford new clothes!

I e-mailed my mother just a little bit ago to tell her I was planning to skip my meeting tomorrow. I've never intentionally missed a meeting since I joined in October 2009. But I'm so frazzled and so down on myself right now that I fear seeing another gain (and I've already weighed myself here, so I know I gained). Part of me thinks I might just have a total breakdown if I see more weight creeping on.

But I've already changed my mind. If I've learned anything in the past year it's that if I don't go to the meeting, then I will fall of the wagon even more. I will skip another meeting and quit tracking and then all of my weight will come back. So, while I may be a poor role model for all of those people asking me about the program...I'm going to my meeting tomorrow. I'm going to face the music and see what the damage is. I'm going to go to Subway and have a healthy lunch with my friends, solve the problems of the world (as we always do) and then hoist myself back up on the wagon!

Wait...maybe I'm not such a bad role model after all!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One Of Those Days

Today has been "one of those days" in the world of my anxiety. From the outside it should have been a perfect day and it's one of those days someone described to me as my "guilty days". If you don't have issues with anxiety then you may not understand the feeling, but it's the guilt you feel when you should be having a good time, but just can't because of all that is on your mind as a "what if". That was today.

I had my boys with me overnight and so I didn't have to worry about them traveling anywhere in the bad weather we had. We had a great day with minimal disagreements. At dinner they even said it was a great day. Nothing better than having your kids say they had a great day right? Don't get me really is wonderful and the feeling isn't lost on me. But with it comes all the other mess in my head!

I won't go into all the messy details, because they will quite honestly make me sound totally insane. But, even though it is insane, it's still there and I can't make it go away. REALLY sucks! I have to wonder if the majority of the things in my life were settled and not sources of stress, if things would get better surrounding my fears about the boys. I doubt it though because I honestly don't remember a time since having them where I haven't felt this way and things haven't always been this stressful.

So, I'll just keep talking myself down from the ledge like I always do and try to do better on Friday when they're with me all day again.

P.S. - I felt the need for a little clarification after reading this over. I in no way, shape, or form want to hurt myself. The "ledge" is proverbial. I'm not, nor have I ever been, suicidal. Anxiety sucks, but it is manageable, and I'm doing quite well if I do say so myself. I do my very best every day to be sure that my kids experience so many things that I myself am afraid to do so that they do not share my fears when they grow up. I don't mind showing the normal amounts of motherly worry to my children, because they do need to learn to keep themselves safe. The extra stuff I keep in my own head.

I've received several e-mails about my first post on anxiety and I know that a lot of mothers have the same issues I do. We're not crazy and we're still good parents. We just got an extra dose of the worry gene!

Monday, January 17, 2011

When People Are Awesome

I complain about people a lot. I dislike a lot of people, so that's probably why. People are mean to each other, they do stupid things and are tedious to deal with. Except when they're not. When I take the time to notice, some people are really awesome and do really awesome things. Generally this happens when things are going really poorly for me and someone does something that reminds me that people do not always suck and I have some really awesome friends.

I was lamenting the fact that my poor choices in life have put me in a position that prevents me from doing something that should be simple, and how upset with myself I am about that. Some friends offered to help me make it happen. People are awesome!

Then remember that friend I mentioned who made me feel like I suck the other day? Well, he really is one of my best friends and I knew he didn't mean to make me feel as bad as I did. And of course, I went the passive-aggressive route and posted it on here instead of telling him. But I was upset and didn't want to make things worse. Well he did something beyond awesome for me tonight and I keep crying every time I think about it. Something I can never repay it's so awesome. Of course, now I feel like a jerk for saying he upset me but...

So sometimes people are really amazing. In fact, more often than not people are pretty good and I need to remember that. I especially need to remember it when thinking about my friends because they're some of the best people in the world!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Control Freak

I'm a control freak. Admitting it is half the battle right? I've always know this about myself though. I don't function very well when I'm not in control of the things in my life. I know a lot of this is due to my anxiety. When I can control what is going on, then I feel a lot less anxious. The problem is, there are a lot of other control freaks in my life as well. You can imagine how well things go when a bunch of control freaks get together. It isn't pretty.

I've been feeling mostly out of control lately. Nothing seems to be going the way it should and it's making my anxiety skyrocket. After spending most of the day feeling depressed and lost I made a decision that I hope I can stick with because I really think it will help. I have to stop trying to control every situation in my life. I have to focus on the most important things and leave some things open to turning out how they will turn out. I also need to take one thing at a time. Quite often I get bogged down by all of the things that aren't going well or need to be done, and forget that I can really only do one thing at a time.

I'm going to start with the one thing I have the most immediate control weight. I've not been doing very well since before Christmas and have gained some of the weight I lost back. I don't feel good and I'm not happy with myself for losing my focus. I should have been at my goal weight a long time ago now and it makes me a little mad at myself for being even farther away than I was. Getting to my goal will accomplish several other things that I've been stressing about lately and feeling unable to control. So I need to do this...for my sanity. Hopefully the rest of things will fall into place on their own or I'll find some way of making peace with them. I've just got to let go a little though.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Yeah, I Suck

I normally have my boys for most of the day on Saturday, but today they left in the morning to go with their dad for the whole weekend. I prefer having them of course, but it gave me the opportunity to get a lot of stuff done. I was able to clean the house, find a more permanent place for our new critters in the house, go for a run and catch up on the TV shows I'd fallen behind on. I also did all of the laundry in the house, made a really awesome dinner for myself and baked some WW friendly cookies.

Overall it was a good day don't you think? On the outside it was a good day. But, I also wrote an uncomfortable e-mail which made me feel a little down. I didn't get any homework done like I'd hoped, ate a little too much of my awesome dinner and cookies, and failed to write any of the thank you notes I've been putting of writing in my little thankfulness project.

I guess the things I didn't get done aren't something I should beat myself up for considering all I did do. But in a brief exchange with a friend I was told I had an "unattractive quality". My opinion of the exchange we were having and his opinion were totally different based on what he said this quality was (I'm not going to tell you or else you'll be looking for it all the time) but I decided to leave it alone. I knew it was just an observation and resisted my instinct to see if he'd like to hear about his more "unattractive qualities". Most people have trouble with criticism, even if they say they don't, and I'm no exception. It's especially unpleasant when someone uses the word "unattractive" even if they're not talking about your looks. Say that word to a former fat girl who has had issues with her appearance her whole life and all she thinks about is her looks. Doesn't matter what your real goal was anymore.

So of course I got to thinking about all of my bad qualities and what I didn't get done today that I should have because of these qualities. So, yeah, I suck. Big deal. My kids are safe and healthy. Hopefully I'll see another day tomorrow where I will have another chance...oh and I wrote a bunch of thank you cards after all.

Friday, January 14, 2011

New Family!

I should never ever walk into our SPCA...EVER! But, my mom works there and from time to time I just have to stop by and look. I can't have a cat or dog in my apartment, but caged animals are OK and my landlord loves me and knows I'm responsible. We had lizard for a while and he died. After that I said only fuzzy pets. So we bought a guinea pig whose name is Max and he's awesome!

Then two years ago, just days before Christmas, we went to visit and they had a lovebird. I have always been a bird lover, but could never really afford the larger birds. She had been there a while and the employees were tired of hearing her squawk so they were very happy when I took her home. Her name is Tweety and we thought she was a boy when we got her...but then she laid an egg. She is loud and obnoxious, but I love her and as soon as she sees me, she tries to get as close to me as she can. I can't hold her yet, but I'm working on it.

And today the boys and I went in and they still had almost all of the gerbils that they'd had the last time I visited. They mom was brought in because she had been bought with another gerbil who was supposed to have been a girl, but turns out, it was a boy and she got pregnant. So, a bunch of gerbil babies were born at the shelter. We took the mom home with us and named her Mum and one of her daughters who we named Coal. Aren't they beautiful!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Biggest Loser

I've been a fan of The Biggest Loser since it first went on the air. When the show began I could have been one of the early contestants. I was obese, and though I was smaller than a good many of the contestants, I still may have qualified...for the early shows.

Over the past few seasons the show has gotten longer and it's harder for me to find the time to watch it, but I usually catch the first few episodes of a season and then the finale. Say whatever you want to about this show, but it's a look into our lives. Yes, we could all lose weight if we went to a ranch and had personal trainers, worked out twelve hours a day, and had a well stocked kitchen at our disposal. Is it totally healthy...well I'm not a doctor so I'm not going to say yes or no. But what I do know is that without this show, some of these people would be dead already.

It's not secret that Americans are really fat. Go outside and look around and you're going to see it. One in three children born after the year 2000 (which both of my children were) will develop diabetes. One in four young people are too heavy to join the army. If you've kept up with The Biggest Loser then every season after the first you have heard Bob Harper say "he/she is the heaviest contestant in the history of the show". Every season! That means with each successive season they are finding heavier and heavier people. We're not catching on! The current "winner" of this label is a 5'8" man who weighs over 500 pounds and had already lost over 100 pounds before coming to the show. He came on with his father who weighs nearly 300 pounds. He needs to lose his father's current weight to be healthy. The heaviest woman had already lost over 100 pounds before coming to the show.

I cannot imagine how daunting that is. I was approximately 70 pounds overweight when I began this journey in October 2009 and I'm not yet at my goal weight. Losing 300 pounds seems impossible to me so I can only imagine what it feels like to him! It's no wonder that we are turning to bariatric surgery more and more, because the task seems insurmountable. Even though the risks are very high, I understand that the risk of staying morbidly obese is dangerous as well.

But anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that there is a reason lurking behind our inability to stop overdoing it with food. No one who is honest can look at you and say that there isn't something deep down that's causing them to hurt themselves in this way. It's no different on the show. Some of these people have horrible stories of loss, humiliation and pain. They've medicated with food which is no different than someone medicating with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

The thing that The Biggest Loser seems to do besides help people shed weight, is help people find that issue and tackle it. Once it's been dealt with these contestants are unstoppable. I know that the scenario presented on the show is next to impossible for anyone who doesn't go on the show themselves or isn't loaded. But, I think aspects of it can be duplicated. You can find a reasonable and healthy lifestyle with a program like Weight Watchers, you can begin to move your body, and you can begin to evaluate what it is that caused you to gain in the first place.

I try very hard not to judge people who choose surgery because everyone's situation is so different. I have friends who are nurses and have seen the horrible complications from these procedures so I know that this is not a "quick fix" option for those who go through it. It's like suggesting that a c-section is the easy way out in childbirth. Everyone has to choose their own path and when your life is literally on the line you have to do what you think is best. I only hope that those who choose this route have dealt with their daemons so they aren't right back in the same spot a few years down the road. Some contestants on the show (even a former winner) have gained most of all of the weight back. I could gain most or all of my weight back if I'm not careful.

This process is damn hard! It's hard no matter how much or little you have to lose. So while I wouldn't say that I advocate the extreme solutions like going on The Biggest Loser or having surgery, I understand why they're chosen. And even if you hate this show I suggest taking a long hard look at it. See if you identify with it yourself, or if you see it in those around you. We cannot continue to ignore the size we are as a country and we have to find ways to lift us all out of this and support each other to something healthier.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Unless you've been living in a cave you have no doubt heard about the horrible shooting in Arizona. Within minutes the news media was diving into the possible reasons for the shooting and if it was planned or random. This is pretty normal; people want answers and we rely on the media to report those answers to us. But within hours the situation had devolved into a horrible blame game.

Are the things we say important? Of course they are! Words can hurt people worse than weapons in some cases. We have entirely too many hateful people on TV these days from both sides of the political aisle and it's time to stop it. Not just because it's hurtful, but because it isn't doing us any good!

But the words coming out of the mouths of our political leaders and the news media have nothing to do with why the shooter in Arizona did what he did. From all evidence he is a mentally ill young man. These people could have said the exact opposite of what they said and it's very likely he would have done the same thing.

People are afraid of mental illness. They don't understand it, don't know how to help, and fear what it can do. All of those fears are very rational. Severe mental illness is hard to treat, unpredictable and often something that cannot be fixed. It's not easy to live in a world where we could be killed at random because someone has had a mental break. But placing blame on people who had nothing to do with this mans mental illness doesn't help anyone and it certainly doesn't bring any of those people back.

It's normal to be upset and scared and wanting answers. But the blame needs to be on the shooter and his illness. Not the right or the left or any spot in between. We can't do a lot to keep this from happening again. But what we can do is try to watch out for those around us. Be aware of mental illness and try to help those in your life who suffer from it. As someone who has experienced this first hand, I know there is a limit to that, but if you can help, give it a try. We can also try to make it harder for people with mental illness to own weapons. Aside from that, we should mourn those whose lives were lost, hope that the ones who survive recover and hope that nothing like this happens again.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Let's Clear Something Up

I became a vegetarian because of my concerns over food safety. These concerns do spill over into how the animals were raised and how they were killed. I know that there are people in the world who raise their animals in wonderfully humane ways and who ensure they are killed properly. That's fantastic and I applaud them for that. Those who do that must charge a reasonable amount for their meant because it is not being factory farmed and it takes more time and effort. I have no problem with that either. People often ask why I don't eat that type of meat. Well, the main reason is that I'm a broke college student. I can't afford that meat. But, I'm also an animal lover and don't really feel like meat is that important in my life, and it's certainly not important enough to lower my standards for food safety and eat what I can afford.

This is a big issue for me. It's something I feel strongly about so I talk about it a lot. We have to eat to live and our food should be safe. I feel strongly about a lot of things, but this just happens to take center stage for me. We all have some cause that we research more than others, are more curious about, or talk about more than the rest and that's fine. It's because of that that things get changed in the world. But the insinuation has been made to me several times that I care more about animals than I do about people. That's totally absurd and highly offensive.

A person who makes the choice not to eat meat doesn't care less about people just because they happen to care about animals too. I don't suggest that people who care about other people don't care about animals too, so why would the reverse make sense? I've made a lifestyle choice and I'm not asking you to make the same one if you really don't want to. Sure, I'd be happy if everyone I know went veg, but I'll be just as happy if by sharing what I find people cut meat out of their diet for only one day a week, or consider buying their meat and eggs from someone who takes better care of the animals.

So yes, I love animals. I don't eat animals. But that has nothing to do with how I feel about people or suggest that I value animals life over human life.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Can't Get No Satisfaction

Recently I was talking to a friend who didn't know me in high school and explaining to them that I graduated right after my junior year by taking the last two required classes in summer school. When the rest of the class I'd come through school with was having their senior year I was in my Freshman year of college. This didn't occur because I am exceptionally smart or anything. I did it because I'm incredibly impatient and as I'm discovering...very hard to satisfy.

When I was in high school I was ready to be in college. I wasn't totally unpopular, but I wasn't prom queen by any stretch of the imagination. I knew what I was giving up by skipping my senior year and I just didn't care enough to stick it out. Not to mention I would have had to take a bunch of study hall's or leave early and get a job...who wants that?

As I'm nearing my 31st birthday I'm realizing that this is a trend in my life. Nothing satisfies me very long. I'm always impatient to move on to something else. In some ways this is a good thing, in other ways it really sucks. It's good because when I know what I want I go after it with full force. It's really bad in almost every other way though. Sometimes going after something with all your effort backfires...especially in relationships as I have learned several times now. Relationships themselves can be hard to sustain because I'm so very specific in what I want and no one can live up to that. Those that can are usually the ones I've already scared off with the aforementioned effort to be with them.

It's very clearly why I have yet to find a career that satisfies me. I'm trying to finish a degree in English which I loved when I began and now I just find tedious. I really only love the books now and have no interest in the rest of it and want to move on to something else. Hobbies are the same way. Though with hobbies I find that I have too many of them that I enjoy and can't find the time for all of them, so I just give up...then promptly find a new one.

I'm starting to think that the best life for me would be one like the women on the Real Housewives shows. They're loaded and the people in their lives seem to indulge their every whim. I could get on board with that! But, they also seem really shallow and self-centered and I hope I'm not like that.

If you think about it, even this blog is an example of this problem. "High Maintenance Hippie? Hippies aren't high maintenance! I have tons of hippie tendencies but I'm too high maintenance in other areas to fully commit to being a hippie! I'm a mess!

Sunday, January 9, 2011


I don't have a whole lot to say that's positive tonight. It's amazing how you can be cruising along, feeling good, and then someone can do something to just send your good mood flying out the window. I don't understand why people whose lives are crap have to take it out on everyone around them. It's especially frustrating when the person who does it to you is a friend. I'm done with it though. After a while, you have to cut your losses. Some of the people who do this to me have to be in my life, but I don't have to let them treat me like dirt under their shoes and I can limit my interactions with them.  I can also be ridiculously nice when I do have to deal with them so they feel like crap!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Hugh Hefner Is the Man!

I am a HUGE fan of Hugh Hefner! Is that shocking because I'm a woman? Maybe. I don't have a desire to meet many celebrities but if I had the opportunity to meet Mr. Hefner I would jump at the chance! A visit to the Playboy mansion and I just might faint! I guess he's a strange person to admire given that he's built an empire around naked women. But that's why he's awesome. He embodies living life doing what you love. He loves beautiful women and he made a whole career out of them. Not only that but he did it in an era that was less than receptive to his material and tried very hard to get rid of him. He's always kept things classy and respectful and that's why thousands of women try to get in the magazine every year.

He recently announced his engagement and that has caused some people to say some pretty nasty things about him across the interwebz. My response to that...jealous much? This will be his third marriage. Now, if you are bothered by people getting married more than once then that's a big deal, but really for a man who does what he does for a living, three marriages seems pretty good given how many times he could have been married. He has four children, also a pretty low number of kids considering and his only daughter runs (or she did the last time I checked) the company now.

The man is getting up there in years and his girlfriends are always very young and very hot. So why are they with him? Golddiggers? The majority of men Hef's age with a regular mans income could not hope to get the women that he does. So OF COURSE his money and who he is plays a huge role in the relationships he has. He's not stupid and I'm sure he is very well aware of that fact. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care either. Given that he's only chosen to marry three of the women in his life I believe he is pretty selective. He knows the money is a factor but I believe he is pretty certain that there is genuine feeling there as well before he makes that commitment. He only just divorced his second wife last year and if you saw her interview in the E! True Hollywood story about him you know that they are still very close.

I think people assume the wrong thing about men like Hef. He has more money than he could ever spend in his lifetime and his family will always be well taken care of. He doesn't strike me as the least bit stingy from what I saw in the show he had for a season or two with his former girlfriends Holly, Kendra and Bridgett. On the contrary it seemed as though he took great joy in giving them expensive gifts and trips and just making sure that they had everything they could ever want or need. So I see no issue with his relationships. The women are there willingly and he likely knows exactly what the score is. If it makes them happy then who the hell cares?

I think Hugh Hefner is the man if it means I need to turn in my feminist card then so be it! I wasn't really using it anyway.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Things People Believe

It's amazing to me the things people believe and the ways that they justify the things that they do. That's true for me as well. I've talked myself in and out of things using logic that others would find nonsensical. But we're not talking about me :)

I was in my local paper today in a brief quote about drinking water and weight loss. I happened to run into someone who had read the article and we got to talking about weight loss and how it changes as you get older and how you can see the mistakes you have made and continue to make. I made a comment about something I did when I still ate meat and he said, "You really need that protein." I told him I get the protein I need in other ways and he said, "There's some protein you can't get in other ways." I stopped bothering to defend my protein intake at that point because I knew it was useless. But it made me think. This person is not overly concerned with my health. We're not close friends or anything and while I'm sure he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, he's not monitoring other aspects of my diet.

I did tell him that the only nutrient that vegans (I am not a vegan) are sometimes lacking in is B12 and that can be remedied with a supplement. He asked if I ate, fish is meat. He then said we should eat things that God made and that came from the Earth. I'm not religious, but I agree with the concept wholeheartedly. Then he said, "They ate meat in the Bible, Jesus was a fisherman, so it must be OK to eat fish" To which I replied, "When Jesus was alive our waters weren't so polluted that every fish coming out of them tests positive for mercury." He couldn't disagree with that.

These two statements about the protein and Jesus being a fisherman made me wonder if he wasn't questioning his own diet instead of mine. This wasn't the first time I've heard people make justifications for a diet with meat. So I have to wonder if a lot of people actually do feel a little bad about eating meat but enjoy it too much to give it up. To be clear, while I wish everyone would become a vegetarian deep down in my heart, I'm not a hater of people who eat meat. I want people to know where their food comes from and how safe it may or may not be and that includes non-meat items as well. In reality though, meat does taste good and I know most people will not give it up no matter what I tell them or show them. That's fine! I think all Americans could use a reduction in their intake of meat and dairy, but only because we consume far too much of it as a country. I could use a reduction in my chocolate intake though, so I'm not without sin here.

What I really want is for people to stop trying to make me believe I'm not going to be healthy if I don't eat meat when we all know that isn't true. Stop putting your feelings about it on me and if I'm making you feel bad about your food choices then either let me know, or evaluate if it really is something I'm actually doing to you, or just your own inner critic. Our goal should be safe food and good health, however we get there.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Almost Time for Classes

The college I'm attending posted a Facebook status the other day reminding us that classes resume next week! Holy panic! Last semester was horrible for me. It was entirely my fault that it was horrible, but it was horrible and set me back another semester. I just didn't care. I wasted time and didn't do well in my courses. I'm already feeling anxious about this semester, but I'm determined to keep up with things this time and do better in my courses. I have three classes plus one that I received an extension for due to my slacker ways. Thank goodness I have a nice professor.

I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to these classes, but I'm really not. I love literature and I love to read, but this degree has been stretching on forever (started in 1997) and I'm just over it. I know that should make me want to finish it more...but it doesn't. The only thing I look forward to is buying the books.

So, about the books! That's the best part anyway. A very dear friend of mine gave me his Kindle when he upgraded to an iPad and that has made a huge difference in the cost of my books for classes. So many of the classics are available for free on the Kindle and it's so nice to be able to get them and take them with me everywhere so I can get more done.

The Kindle proved to be even more helpful than I expected too. My youngest is a very strong reader, but he really doesn't enjoy it that much. His brother will read anything you put near him, but he just doesn't enjoy it. He's required to read for school and that's always a bit of a struggle. Even when he's reading he gets distracted so easily and usually only finishes a chapter in the time he has to read. He had an orthodontist appointment today right after school and the drive is a little over fifteen minutes, plus the wait in the office. I bought a book for his reading level for the Kindle and gave it to him to read while we drove. I told him it would get that part of his homework done. He LOVED it! He kept reading once we got to the office even with all of the cool stuff they have there, and read all the way home too! He managed to finish three chapters! I'm buying more books for him that's for sure!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Anxiety and Kids

This isn't about anxiety in children, it's about having an anxiety issue when you have children. I've struggled with extreme anxiety pretty much my whole life and having children has increased it tenfold. If you have issues with this then you know how bad it sucks and how hard it is to deal with, even with medication.

One of the biggest fears I have is something happening to my kids. That's a normal fear for any parent, but my fear exists far outside of the normal range. This creates a big problem when your children are pushing your buttons. I'm loud. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm loud. When I get mad, I get louder, so for me it's pretty much a yell. I might not even be trying to yell, but any increase in my normal tone sounds like a yell. My oldest son is starting a phase where he has a serious attitude with me all the time. It's snotty and rude and I really don't like it. So when he does it, I get louder. But this makes me feel bad. Honestly, and sort of punishment or discipline (yelling isn't all I do) makes me feel bad. I know I have to do it to keep from having horrible kids...but I hate it. Only, I think I hate it more than most people because of the anxiety. I find myself backing down and apologizing far more than I should because of my insane fears of something happening to them.

So while our day today was really good, one watched a movie none of the rest of us like while I cut coupons and helped the other make a toiler paper tube circus, it ended with me getting upset because they would not stop talking in their beds. This of course sent me into a panic about something happening to them while they sleep and immediately apologizing to them.

So, any overly anxious parents have suggestions on how to discipline your kids so they don't turn into brats while you deal with your own panic?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The First Day of 2011!

So today was the first day of our new year. I hope everyone had a great new year's eve and that your first day of the new year was a good one. I spent the day taking down all of the Christmas decorations and doing a massive clean of the house. We have long since outgrown our little apartment so cleaning and trying to find space for things is very frustrating to me. I tried very hard not to let it get me down today though. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for the fact that I have a safe roof over my head.

I finished 365 Thank Yous this morning. I mentioned that I was going to read it in another post, and I finished it in about three days. If I'd had the time I would have sat down and read the whole thing the day it arrived on my doorstep. It was very easy to read, and easy for me to identify with at this point in my life. At the end of the book he mentions that 365 notes might be a little bit overwhelming for most people, but that 100 notes is very doable. The whole book was really just showing us how to find things to be thankful for even in times where we don't think there is anything to be happy about. I think this is something we should all do. I think it would make us all happier and would probably do a lot to make the world a better place.

I had also made a decision last night about something very important in my life and felt very resolved about that decision. Then something changed my mind today, so I guess there's one resolution down the drain already!

There were a few minor things that were less than great today, but overall I have a lot to be thankful for already in 2011 and I'm looking forward to seeing where I will be by the end of the year!