Recently a family in our community lost their son in a car accident. I didn't know the young man, but he shares the same name as my youngest and so reading all of the Facebook posts about him sunk in just a little harder at the thought of something happening to my boys. Along the same lines I was at work last night and a member told me that her husband had nearly lost his life in a car accident a month earlier. You never know when this ride is going to end and so you have to make sure you're focused on what is really important.
I found out this evening that due to my current work schedule I'm going to miss nearly every soccer game played by the above mentioned child. This is unacceptable to me. Now I know that I can't be at everything he does in his life, but if I'm going to miss something I want it to be because I'm with my other child at something or doing something equally relevant and important. That's not to say that work isn't or can't be important. I like most of the people I'm around in my jobs, but I'm not where I was meant to be and I don't have the time I need to spend on what is really important. All of my relationships are suffering because of where I'm at right now. I'm too busy and too tired to do the things that really matter. Very little of what I do (outside of the time I am with my kids) brings me joy and that's just not the way life was meant to be.
I have very high anxiety most of the time. There are a lot of things I haven't done in life because of fear. This has improved some over the past few years as my diet and exercise habits have improved but it could be a lot better. Seeing that soccer schedule tonight and all of the posts about the life of that young man gone too soon was an odd wakeup call. I've been living in too much fear and it has to end. When I was little my mom worried about money a lot and I always told her "don't worry, the money always comes" and it always did. I'm going to start living and working like the money will come and it will. It will come in the ways that I need it to in order to make sure I'm focused on the things that really matter. I know that further minimizing my lifestyle will help with this too. I'm scared, but I'm excited. To bed now because I'm going to need energy for this.