Recently I was talking to a friend who didn't know me in high school and explaining to them that I graduated right after my junior year by taking the last two required classes in summer school. When the rest of the class I'd come through school with was having their senior year I was in my Freshman year of college. This didn't occur because I am exceptionally smart or anything. I did it because I'm incredibly impatient and as I'm discovering...very hard to satisfy.
When I was in high school I was ready to be in college. I wasn't totally unpopular, but I wasn't prom queen by any stretch of the imagination. I knew what I was giving up by skipping my senior year and I just didn't care enough to stick it out. Not to mention I would have had to take a bunch of study hall's or leave early and get a job...who wants that?
As I'm nearing my 31st birthday I'm realizing that this is a trend in my life. Nothing satisfies me very long. I'm always impatient to move on to something else. In some ways this is a good thing, in other ways it really sucks. It's good because when I know what I want I go after it with full force. It's really bad in almost every other way though. Sometimes going after something with all your effort backfires...especially in relationships as I have learned several times now. Relationships themselves can be hard to sustain because I'm so very specific in what I want and no one can live up to that. Those that can are usually the ones I've already scared off with the aforementioned effort to be with them.
It's very clearly why I have yet to find a career that satisfies me. I'm trying to finish a degree in English which I loved when I began and now I just find tedious. I really only love the books now and have no interest in the rest of it and want to move on to something else. Hobbies are the same way. Though with hobbies I find that I have too many of them that I enjoy and can't find the time for all of them, so I just give up...then promptly find a new one.
I'm starting to think that the best life for me would be one like the women on the Real Housewives shows. They're loaded and the people in their lives seem to indulge their every whim. I could get on board with that! But, they also seem really shallow and self-centered and I hope I'm not like that.
If you think about it, even this blog is an example of this problem. "High Maintenance Hippie? Hippies aren't high maintenance! I have tons of hippie tendencies but I'm too high maintenance in other areas to fully commit to being a hippie! I'm a mess!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Blah
I don't have a whole lot to say that's positive tonight. It's amazing how you can be cruising along, feeling good, and then someone can do something to just send your good mood flying out the window. I don't understand why people whose lives are crap have to take it out on everyone around them. It's especially frustrating when the person who does it to you is a friend. I'm done with it though. After a while, you have to cut your losses. Some of the people who do this to me have to be in my life, but I don't have to let them treat me like dirt under their shoes and I can limit my interactions with them. I can also be ridiculously nice when I do have to deal with them so they feel like crap!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Hugh Hefner Is the Man!
I am a HUGE fan of Hugh Hefner! Is that shocking because I'm a woman? Maybe. I don't have a desire to meet many celebrities but if I had the opportunity to meet Mr. Hefner I would jump at the chance! A visit to the Playboy mansion and I just might faint! I guess he's a strange person to admire given that he's built an empire around naked women. But that's why he's awesome. He embodies living life doing what you love. He loves beautiful women and he made a whole career out of them. Not only that but he did it in an era that was less than receptive to his material and tried very hard to get rid of him. He's always kept things classy and respectful and that's why thousands of women try to get in the magazine every year.
He recently announced his engagement and that has caused some people to say some pretty nasty things about him across the interwebz. My response to that...jealous much? This will be his third marriage. Now, if you are bothered by people getting married more than once then that's a big deal, but really for a man who does what he does for a living, three marriages seems pretty good given how many times he could have been married. He has four children, also a pretty low number of kids considering and his only daughter runs (or she did the last time I checked) the company now.
The man is getting up there in years and his girlfriends are always very young and very hot. So why are they with him? Golddiggers? The majority of men Hef's age with a regular mans income could not hope to get the women that he does. So OF COURSE his money and who he is plays a huge role in the relationships he has. He's not stupid and I'm sure he is very well aware of that fact. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care either. Given that he's only chosen to marry three of the women in his life I believe he is pretty selective. He knows the money is a factor but I believe he is pretty certain that there is genuine feeling there as well before he makes that commitment. He only just divorced his second wife last year and if you saw her interview in the E! True Hollywood story about him you know that they are still very close.
I think people assume the wrong thing about men like Hef. He has more money than he could ever spend in his lifetime and his family will always be well taken care of. He doesn't strike me as the least bit stingy from what I saw in the show he had for a season or two with his former girlfriends Holly, Kendra and Bridgett. On the contrary it seemed as though he took great joy in giving them expensive gifts and trips and just making sure that they had everything they could ever want or need. So I see no issue with his relationships. The women are there willingly and he likely knows exactly what the score is. If it makes them happy then who the hell cares?
I think Hugh Hefner is the man if it means I need to turn in my feminist card then so be it! I wasn't really using it anyway.
He recently announced his engagement and that has caused some people to say some pretty nasty things about him across the interwebz. My response to that...jealous much? This will be his third marriage. Now, if you are bothered by people getting married more than once then that's a big deal, but really for a man who does what he does for a living, three marriages seems pretty good given how many times he could have been married. He has four children, also a pretty low number of kids considering and his only daughter runs (or she did the last time I checked) the company now.
The man is getting up there in years and his girlfriends are always very young and very hot. So why are they with him? Golddiggers? The majority of men Hef's age with a regular mans income could not hope to get the women that he does. So OF COURSE his money and who he is plays a huge role in the relationships he has. He's not stupid and I'm sure he is very well aware of that fact. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care either. Given that he's only chosen to marry three of the women in his life I believe he is pretty selective. He knows the money is a factor but I believe he is pretty certain that there is genuine feeling there as well before he makes that commitment. He only just divorced his second wife last year and if you saw her interview in the E! True Hollywood story about him you know that they are still very close.
I think people assume the wrong thing about men like Hef. He has more money than he could ever spend in his lifetime and his family will always be well taken care of. He doesn't strike me as the least bit stingy from what I saw in the show he had for a season or two with his former girlfriends Holly, Kendra and Bridgett. On the contrary it seemed as though he took great joy in giving them expensive gifts and trips and just making sure that they had everything they could ever want or need. So I see no issue with his relationships. The women are there willingly and he likely knows exactly what the score is. If it makes them happy then who the hell cares?
I think Hugh Hefner is the man if it means I need to turn in my feminist card then so be it! I wasn't really using it anyway.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Things People Believe
It's amazing to me the things people believe and the ways that they justify the things that they do. That's true for me as well. I've talked myself in and out of things using logic that others would find nonsensical. But we're not talking about me :)
I was in my local paper today in a brief quote about drinking water and weight loss. I happened to run into someone who had read the article and we got to talking about weight loss and how it changes as you get older and how you can see the mistakes you have made and continue to make. I made a comment about something I did when I still ate meat and he said, "You really need that protein." I told him I get the protein I need in other ways and he said, "There's some protein you can't get in other ways." I stopped bothering to defend my protein intake at that point because I knew it was useless. But it made me think. This person is not overly concerned with my health. We're not close friends or anything and while I'm sure he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, he's not monitoring other aspects of my diet.
I did tell him that the only nutrient that vegans (I am not a vegan) are sometimes lacking in is B12 and that can be remedied with a supplement. He asked if I ate fish....no, fish is meat. He then said we should eat things that God made and that came from the Earth. I'm not religious, but I agree with the concept wholeheartedly. Then he said, "They ate meat in the Bible, Jesus was a fisherman, so it must be OK to eat fish" To which I replied, "When Jesus was alive our waters weren't so polluted that every fish coming out of them tests positive for mercury." He couldn't disagree with that.
These two statements about the protein and Jesus being a fisherman made me wonder if he wasn't questioning his own diet instead of mine. This wasn't the first time I've heard people make justifications for a diet with meat. So I have to wonder if a lot of people actually do feel a little bad about eating meat but enjoy it too much to give it up. To be clear, while I wish everyone would become a vegetarian deep down in my heart, I'm not a hater of people who eat meat. I want people to know where their food comes from and how safe it may or may not be and that includes non-meat items as well. In reality though, meat does taste good and I know most people will not give it up no matter what I tell them or show them. That's fine! I think all Americans could use a reduction in their intake of meat and dairy, but only because we consume far too much of it as a country. I could use a reduction in my chocolate intake though, so I'm not without sin here.
What I really want is for people to stop trying to make me believe I'm not going to be healthy if I don't eat meat when we all know that isn't true. Stop putting your feelings about it on me and if I'm making you feel bad about your food choices then either let me know, or evaluate if it really is something I'm actually doing to you, or just your own inner critic. Our goal should be safe food and good health, however we get there.
I was in my local paper today in a brief quote about drinking water and weight loss. I happened to run into someone who had read the article and we got to talking about weight loss and how it changes as you get older and how you can see the mistakes you have made and continue to make. I made a comment about something I did when I still ate meat and he said, "You really need that protein." I told him I get the protein I need in other ways and he said, "There's some protein you can't get in other ways." I stopped bothering to defend my protein intake at that point because I knew it was useless. But it made me think. This person is not overly concerned with my health. We're not close friends or anything and while I'm sure he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, he's not monitoring other aspects of my diet.
I did tell him that the only nutrient that vegans (I am not a vegan) are sometimes lacking in is B12 and that can be remedied with a supplement. He asked if I ate fish....no, fish is meat. He then said we should eat things that God made and that came from the Earth. I'm not religious, but I agree with the concept wholeheartedly. Then he said, "They ate meat in the Bible, Jesus was a fisherman, so it must be OK to eat fish" To which I replied, "When Jesus was alive our waters weren't so polluted that every fish coming out of them tests positive for mercury." He couldn't disagree with that.
These two statements about the protein and Jesus being a fisherman made me wonder if he wasn't questioning his own diet instead of mine. This wasn't the first time I've heard people make justifications for a diet with meat. So I have to wonder if a lot of people actually do feel a little bad about eating meat but enjoy it too much to give it up. To be clear, while I wish everyone would become a vegetarian deep down in my heart, I'm not a hater of people who eat meat. I want people to know where their food comes from and how safe it may or may not be and that includes non-meat items as well. In reality though, meat does taste good and I know most people will not give it up no matter what I tell them or show them. That's fine! I think all Americans could use a reduction in their intake of meat and dairy, but only because we consume far too much of it as a country. I could use a reduction in my chocolate intake though, so I'm not without sin here.
What I really want is for people to stop trying to make me believe I'm not going to be healthy if I don't eat meat when we all know that isn't true. Stop putting your feelings about it on me and if I'm making you feel bad about your food choices then either let me know, or evaluate if it really is something I'm actually doing to you, or just your own inner critic. Our goal should be safe food and good health, however we get there.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Almost Time for Classes
The college I'm attending posted a Facebook status the other day reminding us that classes resume next week! Holy panic! Last semester was horrible for me. It was entirely my fault that it was horrible, but it was horrible and set me back another semester. I just didn't care. I wasted time and didn't do well in my courses. I'm already feeling anxious about this semester, but I'm determined to keep up with things this time and do better in my courses. I have three classes plus one that I received an extension for due to my slacker ways. Thank goodness I have a nice professor.
I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to these classes, but I'm really not. I love literature and I love to read, but this degree has been stretching on forever (started in 1997) and I'm just over it. I know that should make me want to finish it more...but it doesn't. The only thing I look forward to is buying the books.
So, about the books! That's the best part anyway. A very dear friend of mine gave me his Kindle when he upgraded to an iPad and that has made a huge difference in the cost of my books for classes. So many of the classics are available for free on the Kindle and it's so nice to be able to get them and take them with me everywhere so I can get more done.
The Kindle proved to be even more helpful than I expected too. My youngest is a very strong reader, but he really doesn't enjoy it that much. His brother will read anything you put near him, but he just doesn't enjoy it. He's required to read for school and that's always a bit of a struggle. Even when he's reading he gets distracted so easily and usually only finishes a chapter in the time he has to read. He had an orthodontist appointment today right after school and the drive is a little over fifteen minutes, plus the wait in the office. I bought a book for his reading level for the Kindle and gave it to him to read while we drove. I told him it would get that part of his homework done. He LOVED it! He kept reading once we got to the office even with all of the cool stuff they have there, and read all the way home too! He managed to finish three chapters! I'm buying more books for him that's for sure!
I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to these classes, but I'm really not. I love literature and I love to read, but this degree has been stretching on forever (started in 1997) and I'm just over it. I know that should make me want to finish it more...but it doesn't. The only thing I look forward to is buying the books.
So, about the books! That's the best part anyway. A very dear friend of mine gave me his Kindle when he upgraded to an iPad and that has made a huge difference in the cost of my books for classes. So many of the classics are available for free on the Kindle and it's so nice to be able to get them and take them with me everywhere so I can get more done.
The Kindle proved to be even more helpful than I expected too. My youngest is a very strong reader, but he really doesn't enjoy it that much. His brother will read anything you put near him, but he just doesn't enjoy it. He's required to read for school and that's always a bit of a struggle. Even when he's reading he gets distracted so easily and usually only finishes a chapter in the time he has to read. He had an orthodontist appointment today right after school and the drive is a little over fifteen minutes, plus the wait in the office. I bought a book for his reading level for the Kindle and gave it to him to read while we drove. I told him it would get that part of his homework done. He LOVED it! He kept reading once we got to the office even with all of the cool stuff they have there, and read all the way home too! He managed to finish three chapters! I'm buying more books for him that's for sure!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Anxiety and Kids
This isn't about anxiety in children, it's about having an anxiety issue when you have children. I've struggled with extreme anxiety pretty much my whole life and having children has increased it tenfold. If you have issues with this then you know how bad it sucks and how hard it is to deal with, even with medication.
One of the biggest fears I have is something happening to my kids. That's a normal fear for any parent, but my fear exists far outside of the normal range. This creates a big problem when your children are pushing your buttons. I'm loud. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm loud. When I get mad, I get louder, so for me it's pretty much a yell. I might not even be trying to yell, but any increase in my normal tone sounds like a yell. My oldest son is starting a phase where he has a serious attitude with me all the time. It's snotty and rude and I really don't like it. So when he does it, I get louder. But this makes me feel bad. Honestly, and sort of punishment or discipline (yelling isn't all I do) makes me feel bad. I know I have to do it to keep from having horrible kids...but I hate it. Only, I think I hate it more than most people because of the anxiety. I find myself backing down and apologizing far more than I should because of my insane fears of something happening to them.
So while our day today was really good, one watched a movie none of the rest of us like while I cut coupons and helped the other make a toiler paper tube circus, it ended with me getting upset because they would not stop talking in their beds. This of course sent me into a panic about something happening to them while they sleep and immediately apologizing to them.
So, any overly anxious parents have suggestions on how to discipline your kids so they don't turn into brats while you deal with your own panic?
One of the biggest fears I have is something happening to my kids. That's a normal fear for any parent, but my fear exists far outside of the normal range. This creates a big problem when your children are pushing your buttons. I'm loud. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm loud. When I get mad, I get louder, so for me it's pretty much a yell. I might not even be trying to yell, but any increase in my normal tone sounds like a yell. My oldest son is starting a phase where he has a serious attitude with me all the time. It's snotty and rude and I really don't like it. So when he does it, I get louder. But this makes me feel bad. Honestly, and sort of punishment or discipline (yelling isn't all I do) makes me feel bad. I know I have to do it to keep from having horrible kids...but I hate it. Only, I think I hate it more than most people because of the anxiety. I find myself backing down and apologizing far more than I should because of my insane fears of something happening to them.
So while our day today was really good, one watched a movie none of the rest of us like while I cut coupons and helped the other make a toiler paper tube circus, it ended with me getting upset because they would not stop talking in their beds. This of course sent me into a panic about something happening to them while they sleep and immediately apologizing to them.
So, any overly anxious parents have suggestions on how to discipline your kids so they don't turn into brats while you deal with your own panic?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The First Day of 2011!
So today was the first day of our new year. I hope everyone had a great new year's eve and that your first day of the new year was a good one. I spent the day taking down all of the Christmas decorations and doing a massive clean of the house. We have long since outgrown our little apartment so cleaning and trying to find space for things is very frustrating to me. I tried very hard not to let it get me down today though. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for the fact that I have a safe roof over my head.
I finished 365 Thank Yous this morning. I mentioned that I was going to read it in another post, and I finished it in about three days. If I'd had the time I would have sat down and read the whole thing the day it arrived on my doorstep. It was very easy to read, and easy for me to identify with at this point in my life. At the end of the book he mentions that 365 notes might be a little bit overwhelming for most people, but that 100 notes is very doable. The whole book was really just showing us how to find things to be thankful for even in times where we don't think there is anything to be happy about. I think this is something we should all do. I think it would make us all happier and would probably do a lot to make the world a better place.
I had also made a decision last night about something very important in my life and felt very resolved about that decision. Then something changed my mind today, so I guess there's one resolution down the drain already!
There were a few minor things that were less than great today, but overall I have a lot to be thankful for already in 2011 and I'm looking forward to seeing where I will be by the end of the year!
I finished 365 Thank Yous this morning. I mentioned that I was going to read it in another post, and I finished it in about three days. If I'd had the time I would have sat down and read the whole thing the day it arrived on my doorstep. It was very easy to read, and easy for me to identify with at this point in my life. At the end of the book he mentions that 365 notes might be a little bit overwhelming for most people, but that 100 notes is very doable. The whole book was really just showing us how to find things to be thankful for even in times where we don't think there is anything to be happy about. I think this is something we should all do. I think it would make us all happier and would probably do a lot to make the world a better place.
I had also made a decision last night about something very important in my life and felt very resolved about that decision. Then something changed my mind today, so I guess there's one resolution down the drain already!
There were a few minor things that were less than great today, but overall I have a lot to be thankful for already in 2011 and I'm looking forward to seeing where I will be by the end of the year!
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