Sunday, December 26, 2010

So Christmas Is Over...

Did everyone enjoy their holiday and time with friends and family? I had a nearly perfect day until the evening. The boys were great and so excited with what they received and I felt good because they were still happy even though I spent and bought a lot less than in years past. It's nice to know that I picked out things that they really like and that we don't just have a ton of junk that will sit around. The food was good, but I ate way too much. I plan to throw away a good bit of stuff today though. I feel horrible about wasting food but the boys won't eat it and I will and it's just not what I need to be doing right now. So, out it goes.

My evening was pretty rough. I have pretty severe anxiety issues and had recently stopped taking my medication because of the cost. My ex had planned a trip for the kids today and the area they were going was expecting some heavy snow. I came pretty close to a full meltdown about the idea of them traveling in the snow. But sometimes when things are feeling really bad you just need to reach out to those around you and you will find the support you need to get through it. I learned (not that I didn't know already) that I have some pretty amazing friends. I even found a source of inspiration for dealing with the feelings I have from a total stranger. For the first time someone expressed the guilt I feel over my anxiety and it was like a lightbulb came on in my head. I think the guilt of not feeling good when I'm in situations where I should feel great it was has been eating at me all of these years. For the first time, someone pointed it out to me and made me feel like it was OK to feel the feelings I have when I have them. Because of these people I woke up with a whole lot less dread and my children arrived safely at their destination this morning.

Now we are just a week away from the beginning of the new year. I have a lot of plans, a lot of hopes, and a lot of dreams and I must say that I'm really looking forward to it!

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