I'm a huge Sex and the City fan. I've seen every episode and both movies multiple times. It's certainly not the best TV I've ever watched, but I wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw (with kids). I've always wanted to be a writer and the idea of living in a cute little apartment writing when the inspiration struck me is what I think many writers dream about. Not to mention that she has amazingly loyal friends, and an amazing wardrobe. Her wardrobe! What girly girl wouldn't want her amazing shoe collection?
For a very long time, I did want her life. I wanted it altered to fit having children into there, but I wanted to find a way to be able to buy $300 shoes and still pay my rent all from writing. But then over the years I learned that I really don't want a closet so full that I never wear the same thing twice. I discovered Project 333 and decided to whittle down my closet to only what I actually wear. I was able to easily remove most of my clothes...but I kept all of my shoes. I don't even wear most of them anymore because the heels I love so much started damaging my feet. I just can't let them go though.
I buy most of my clothes at thrift stores or places like Old Navy. Nothing in my closet costs more than $10 except my running shoes. Even if I had the money, I'm not sure I could ever be someone who would spend $200 on a pair of jeans. In the first Sex and the City movie when Carrie finds the suit that she wants to marry Mr. Big in and reveals that it's a label-less thrift store find which she later pairs with Manolo's I realize that even if you're someone who wants to live a minimal life, you can still appreciate fine things. Sometimes it's better to buy the one more expensive thing that will last longer, than the multiple cheap versions of the same thing.
I'm probably always going to shop at thrift stores even if I some day find myself independently wealthy. But if given the opportunity, I'd wear a pair of Jimmy Choo's to the grocery store too.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The Hardest Job
There's nothing so gut wrenching as to have your child look at you and say "I just wish I had a friend to talk to". As a parent all you want to do is make this little life the best it can possibly be. You want to shield it from every bad thing, give it ever chance at it's hearts desire, and keep it from feeling any pain. So when your child looks at you and mirrors a feeling you've had yourself many times over, you would do anything to fix it.
My oldest son said that yesterday on our ride home from school after telling me he'd had a stressful day, and that having a good friend would have helped a lot. I had to try very hard not to cry while trying to talk him through this situation. Often I look at my kids and think that every quality that I don't like in myself I've sadly passed on to them. I've felt that they were dealt a poor hand in the genetic lotto of what they could have received from me.
The lack of friends, and the inability to make them is something I really hoped my kids wouldn't inherit. But sadly, one of them did. He's brilliant. Straight A's, miles ahead of his age in reading ability, athletic, funny....but a social mess just like his mother. The funny thing is, we aren't wallflowers. We will talk your ear off, and we've never met a stranger. We do pretty well in large groups even thought they make us nervous.
But one on one, or even small groups...forget it. We lack that part we need to fit in enough to form those tight bonds. I took a picture of him on "hat day". One day a year where they're allowed to wear a hat in school as part of spirit week. I'd venture that the majority of boys in his school opted for a baseball cap of their favorite team. My son sported a pink scarf, and grey fedora this day. I'm sure at lunch he sat with one group of kids, spent time with another in bad, and yet another at cross country practice later that day. But his best friend isn't in any of those things this year, so he never sees him. I did the same thing. I was the only girl who wore a cowboy hat and boots to school nearly every day. I sat with cheerleaders and the basketball team at lunch. I chatted about my favorite books with the other people who worked on our literary magazine, and I had one true friend. That was high school for me, and she lived on my street so we could see each other. My son's only in middle school. I blocked middle school out it was so awful.
I wanted to fit in and have a big group of friends. I wanted to be invited to parties, and have those big group pictures at the football games, homecoming dances, and weekend outings. I just didn't know how to be that person. I didn't know how to form those bonds with people, and I still don't. I still only have a few close friends, I almost never get asked to do anything, and when I do, I'm anxious about it.
So, I looked at him with my heart breaking for him not knowing at all what to tell him to do. If I'd been different in school, if I'd forced my way through those anxious feelings, if I'd conformed a little more to "normal" I might have those friends now. But, there are probably things I would have done in the process that I wouldn't have liked too.
I had no answers for him. It's a choice of changing some of who he is, to be less "weird" and more likable. Or staying who he is, and hoping more people come into his world that accept that. I lean toward the latter. But knowing what it still feels like after all these years, I had to give a small nudge for him to find someone with whom he shares something with, no matter how small, to forge a bond. I don't want him to change a thing about who he is, but I don't want him to miss out either.
It's the hardest job in the world.
My oldest son said that yesterday on our ride home from school after telling me he'd had a stressful day, and that having a good friend would have helped a lot. I had to try very hard not to cry while trying to talk him through this situation. Often I look at my kids and think that every quality that I don't like in myself I've sadly passed on to them. I've felt that they were dealt a poor hand in the genetic lotto of what they could have received from me.
The lack of friends, and the inability to make them is something I really hoped my kids wouldn't inherit. But sadly, one of them did. He's brilliant. Straight A's, miles ahead of his age in reading ability, athletic, funny....but a social mess just like his mother. The funny thing is, we aren't wallflowers. We will talk your ear off, and we've never met a stranger. We do pretty well in large groups even thought they make us nervous.
But one on one, or even small groups...forget it. We lack that part we need to fit in enough to form those tight bonds. I took a picture of him on "hat day". One day a year where they're allowed to wear a hat in school as part of spirit week. I'd venture that the majority of boys in his school opted for a baseball cap of their favorite team. My son sported a pink scarf, and grey fedora this day. I'm sure at lunch he sat with one group of kids, spent time with another in bad, and yet another at cross country practice later that day. But his best friend isn't in any of those things this year, so he never sees him. I did the same thing. I was the only girl who wore a cowboy hat and boots to school nearly every day. I sat with cheerleaders and the basketball team at lunch. I chatted about my favorite books with the other people who worked on our literary magazine, and I had one true friend. That was high school for me, and she lived on my street so we could see each other. My son's only in middle school. I blocked middle school out it was so awful.
I wanted to fit in and have a big group of friends. I wanted to be invited to parties, and have those big group pictures at the football games, homecoming dances, and weekend outings. I just didn't know how to be that person. I didn't know how to form those bonds with people, and I still don't. I still only have a few close friends, I almost never get asked to do anything, and when I do, I'm anxious about it.
So, I looked at him with my heart breaking for him not knowing at all what to tell him to do. If I'd been different in school, if I'd forced my way through those anxious feelings, if I'd conformed a little more to "normal" I might have those friends now. But, there are probably things I would have done in the process that I wouldn't have liked too.
I had no answers for him. It's a choice of changing some of who he is, to be less "weird" and more likable. Or staying who he is, and hoping more people come into his world that accept that. I lean toward the latter. But knowing what it still feels like after all these years, I had to give a small nudge for him to find someone with whom he shares something with, no matter how small, to forge a bond. I don't want him to change a thing about who he is, but I don't want him to miss out either.
It's the hardest job in the world.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Here I Am Again
Yes here I am again. I promised I'd update you on the new blog I was creating and I never did. I started a blog called Body By Emmy that is primarily devoted to my health and fitness goals. It's very specific so I wanted to separate it from the rest of what I was posting here in order not to bore everyone to tears. If you're interested in reading that one, you can join me there.
I'm back here because not everything I need to get out of my head fits that setting. But this post is sort of connected to that blog. When I started it, I dove into social media, branding, etc. Through all that everything I read talked about doing what you're passionate about. Obviously health and fitness are a huge passion of mine, and that's why I started that blog.
But some other things have happened or come to the surface recently that made me think about why I sort of gave up my true passion. One of my co-workers recently changed offices and when she did, she showed me the art that she creates. I was in awe of it as I am most art and told her how great I thought it was. She then asked me what my gift was. I told her my gift is being mediocre at a lot of things. She pressed further though and I told her that the only thing that I ever wanted to be was a writer. If I had other dreams as I child, I don't remember them. Technically that dream came true in a way, I am employed as a technical writer. The job doesn't allow for much creativity, but I really enjoy it. I like the people I work with, the environment, and while it can be boring, I like the writing.
But I can't say technical writing was my dream as a child. Poetry was probably my favorite. I wrote book after book of it, almost right up until I got married. Then I abruptly quit. My now ex-husband and marriage wasn't the reason I quit. Sadly, it was a college professor that put a halt to it. I'm not blaming her, what she said was true and harmless. But, sometimes certain words delivered by certain people just carry more weight. She was a published poet, and while I can't remember exactly what she said, I felt that everything I'd written was just trivial and meaningless.
More recently I was talking with someone about how much I share on Facebook. They commented that I share a lot more than they would. Again, I don't think it was meant to have the impact that it did, but coming from this person, it has made me aware of every thing I post now.
Those things and how they made me feel are by no means the fault of the person who said them. They had no way of knowing that I would take them so personally or attach such weight to them. I'm not one of those people who can let things slide. I wish I was, but most things stick with me for a while. Some never seem to leave.
All of that said, I can use those things as an excuse to never write again, or I can suck it up and pretend that they didn't bother me until they no longer do. Maybe my poetry is trivial. Maybe I do share more than I should. But it made me feel good when I did it...so I think I need to do more of that.
I'm back here because not everything I need to get out of my head fits that setting. But this post is sort of connected to that blog. When I started it, I dove into social media, branding, etc. Through all that everything I read talked about doing what you're passionate about. Obviously health and fitness are a huge passion of mine, and that's why I started that blog.
But some other things have happened or come to the surface recently that made me think about why I sort of gave up my true passion. One of my co-workers recently changed offices and when she did, she showed me the art that she creates. I was in awe of it as I am most art and told her how great I thought it was. She then asked me what my gift was. I told her my gift is being mediocre at a lot of things. She pressed further though and I told her that the only thing that I ever wanted to be was a writer. If I had other dreams as I child, I don't remember them. Technically that dream came true in a way, I am employed as a technical writer. The job doesn't allow for much creativity, but I really enjoy it. I like the people I work with, the environment, and while it can be boring, I like the writing.
But I can't say technical writing was my dream as a child. Poetry was probably my favorite. I wrote book after book of it, almost right up until I got married. Then I abruptly quit. My now ex-husband and marriage wasn't the reason I quit. Sadly, it was a college professor that put a halt to it. I'm not blaming her, what she said was true and harmless. But, sometimes certain words delivered by certain people just carry more weight. She was a published poet, and while I can't remember exactly what she said, I felt that everything I'd written was just trivial and meaningless.
More recently I was talking with someone about how much I share on Facebook. They commented that I share a lot more than they would. Again, I don't think it was meant to have the impact that it did, but coming from this person, it has made me aware of every thing I post now.
Those things and how they made me feel are by no means the fault of the person who said them. They had no way of knowing that I would take them so personally or attach such weight to them. I'm not one of those people who can let things slide. I wish I was, but most things stick with me for a while. Some never seem to leave.
All of that said, I can use those things as an excuse to never write again, or I can suck it up and pretend that they didn't bother me until they no longer do. Maybe my poetry is trivial. Maybe I do share more than I should. But it made me feel good when I did it...so I think I need to do more of that.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
New Blog In Progress
I have a new blog on the horizon. I know, why start a new blog when I never write on this one? Well, I love this little blog, but it has always lack direction. It's just been a personal page for me to write about whatever I've felt like writing about. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but it lets me off the hook where regular writing is concerned.
The new blog will have focus. I need motivation to finally get to a healthy weight and fitness level once and for all. This is going to require accountability to something and I'm going to make it the blog and its readers. I also want to make writing of some sort a regular practice and the blog will help with that too. The blog will focus on my weight loss journey in the beginning and then hopefully move into a place of helping others with their goals.
So, be on the lookout for a post about the new blog!!
The new blog will have focus. I need motivation to finally get to a healthy weight and fitness level once and for all. This is going to require accountability to something and I'm going to make it the blog and its readers. I also want to make writing of some sort a regular practice and the blog will help with that too. The blog will focus on my weight loss journey in the beginning and then hopefully move into a place of helping others with their goals.
So, be on the lookout for a post about the new blog!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
You Are Enough
I have an obsession with documentaries. I like them all, but I really enjoy them if they're about our food supply, nutrition, dieting, or the like. This lead me to watch American the Beautiful and American the Beautiful 2. The first is about the American obsession with beauty and the second about our obsession with our weight and dieting. In the first one the filmmaker interviews a woman who has an elective plastic surgery and takes over an hour to wake from her anesthesia. He said when he left he called every man that he knows and told them to call every woman that they know and tell them that they are beautiful just the way they are. Now, he wasn't making judgments on people who choose elective plastic surgery, and neither am I. There are all sorts of reasons one may do something like that. Heck there are cases where I might consider it. But his point in making those phone calls was to hopefully spread the word that we are enough just the way we are.
This blog has been devoted to my weight loss journey and my attempts at minimizing my life and being kinder to the planet. There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve your life. I'd be lying to you if I said that the only reason I want to lose weight is to be healthy. I have a big stack of jeans in my closet that I was wearing this time last year and I do beat myself up because I can't wear them now. I received a gift card to Victoria's Secret for Christmas this year and I went in there last night with the intentions of using it. I left empty handed and rather depressed. Honestly there are very few mannequins and only a few pictures of models wearing the items in the store. So it wasn't like I was bombarded with images of photoshopped women who made me feel like I could never look like they do in the items. The fact is, I don't need that. I know what I look like and I know that it doesn't make me totally happy. I have made improvements over the years and I am proud of those. But I do want more. I will never have a models body and I have enough stretch marks to look like a tiger. But I have the ability to achieve a body that would make me happier. It's OK to want that and it is OK to try to achieve it. I don't hate who I am, but I don't love it either and I think its acceptable to want to work to a place where I do love it. But even if I don't love it, I do have to appreciate it and know that I need this body. I have to treat it with respect.
In America the Beautiful 2 he interviewed people who lost weight in a variety of ways, people who suffer from eating disorders, and a woman who I would classify as an obsessive exerciser. The variety of observations he made in those people, and things I have observed in people in my own life lead me to one conclusion. This is the only body I get. It doesn't look like I want it to right now, but it is enough. I am a single mother. My kids have a great father and step-mother, but they need their mother too. No matter what I want my body to look like I will always respect it. I have standards I would like to achieve. I do want to look a certain way, but I will NOT take a path that risks my health. Anyone who loves me will take me as I am right now, and anyone who loves you will take you as you are. No matter what you want to look like, no matter what someone else says about how you look, never ever do anything to risk your life for the sake of weight loss or beauty.
It's OK to want things for yourself. But look in the mirror and tell yourself that if you never look any different than you do right now YOU ARE ENOUGH!
This blog has been devoted to my weight loss journey and my attempts at minimizing my life and being kinder to the planet. There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve your life. I'd be lying to you if I said that the only reason I want to lose weight is to be healthy. I have a big stack of jeans in my closet that I was wearing this time last year and I do beat myself up because I can't wear them now. I received a gift card to Victoria's Secret for Christmas this year and I went in there last night with the intentions of using it. I left empty handed and rather depressed. Honestly there are very few mannequins and only a few pictures of models wearing the items in the store. So it wasn't like I was bombarded with images of photoshopped women who made me feel like I could never look like they do in the items. The fact is, I don't need that. I know what I look like and I know that it doesn't make me totally happy. I have made improvements over the years and I am proud of those. But I do want more. I will never have a models body and I have enough stretch marks to look like a tiger. But I have the ability to achieve a body that would make me happier. It's OK to want that and it is OK to try to achieve it. I don't hate who I am, but I don't love it either and I think its acceptable to want to work to a place where I do love it. But even if I don't love it, I do have to appreciate it and know that I need this body. I have to treat it with respect.
In America the Beautiful 2 he interviewed people who lost weight in a variety of ways, people who suffer from eating disorders, and a woman who I would classify as an obsessive exerciser. The variety of observations he made in those people, and things I have observed in people in my own life lead me to one conclusion. This is the only body I get. It doesn't look like I want it to right now, but it is enough. I am a single mother. My kids have a great father and step-mother, but they need their mother too. No matter what I want my body to look like I will always respect it. I have standards I would like to achieve. I do want to look a certain way, but I will NOT take a path that risks my health. Anyone who loves me will take me as I am right now, and anyone who loves you will take you as you are. No matter what you want to look like, no matter what someone else says about how you look, never ever do anything to risk your life for the sake of weight loss or beauty.
It's OK to want things for yourself. But look in the mirror and tell yourself that if you never look any different than you do right now YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Eat to Live Day #8
Nothing new to report really, and I know the daily food posts can get boring, so I think I'm going to go for more of a weekly update on this now. I did find a message board for the program that is free and I'm really wanting to buy some of his other materials but it isn't in the budget right now. I do plan to join his site once I have the money for that because I know that the extra support from other doing it who post frequently will help me a lot.
My mother is doing this as well and we both feel so good that today we discussed how hard it is not to just shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone you know who is suffering from something that could be cured or alleviated with this type of diet. But if there's one thing I've learned from my leader training at WW it is that you cannot convert everyone and you can shut people down if you aren't careful. People will make a change in their diet when weight loss (or better health) is in their top five priorities and if they aren't there, you can't make them be. It's hard though. We both have friends who suffer from varieties of conditions and while we can't prove that they would feel better, we know it is possible and wish they'd give it a try. So, as I did with WW if I continue to feel this good, and hopefully look better, then perhaps others will ask me what I'm doing and be motivated to try it too. I did finally share it with a closer group of people and there was some interest so we'll see. Fact is, everyone is different and everyone has to find their own path to health.
My mother is doing this as well and we both feel so good that today we discussed how hard it is not to just shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone you know who is suffering from something that could be cured or alleviated with this type of diet. But if there's one thing I've learned from my leader training at WW it is that you cannot convert everyone and you can shut people down if you aren't careful. People will make a change in their diet when weight loss (or better health) is in their top five priorities and if they aren't there, you can't make them be. It's hard though. We both have friends who suffer from varieties of conditions and while we can't prove that they would feel better, we know it is possible and wish they'd give it a try. So, as I did with WW if I continue to feel this good, and hopefully look better, then perhaps others will ask me what I'm doing and be motivated to try it too. I did finally share it with a closer group of people and there was some interest so we'll see. Fact is, everyone is different and everyone has to find their own path to health.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Eat to Live Day #7
Well it has been a full week on Eat to Live now and I must say...I'm impressed. I got up late this morning, so breakfast wasn't until about 9:30. I did the oatmeal again with a little less water, one apple, and some walnuts and it was perfect. I had grand plans for errand running, but they didn't work out the way I had hoped so I ended up back home at 12:45 instead of making it to the gym before lunch. I had my heart set on a taco salad, but got home and realized I was out of fake meat. So, I ran to the store and picked up that and a bunch of other fun stuff, and lunch was a HUGE taco salad with mostly lettuce, peppers, onions, avocado, fake meat, and salsa. I also crumbled about five baked scoops over it for crunch. Normally I would have had cheese and sour cream on it too so that was a big step. I also had three kiwi and a peppermint patty (I'm not totally cured of the chocolate thing).
After lunch was settled I had a kick ass workout at the gym. I jogged for 20 minutes, lifted and did kettlebells between my sets for about 30 minutes, then did a 20 minute fat burner workout on the step mill. I felt fantastic during my workout and wasn't even remotely hungry when I got home. I just had dinner at 6 which was a half a can of green beans, a cup and a half of spaghetti squash and my pita sandwich with avocado. My addiction to avocado is starting to be a problem ;). I also had two kiwi.
Normally I try to weigh myself only once a week, but I'm so curious with this program that I weighed again this morning and I was down another 1.6. I am a little worried about my lack of green vegetable intake and my massive consumption of avocado so I'm going to try to do something about that this week. I can't say enough how much I love that I'm not starving all the time and craving junk. That's what I really wanted out of this program and so far it is working.
After lunch was settled I had a kick ass workout at the gym. I jogged for 20 minutes, lifted and did kettlebells between my sets for about 30 minutes, then did a 20 minute fat burner workout on the step mill. I felt fantastic during my workout and wasn't even remotely hungry when I got home. I just had dinner at 6 which was a half a can of green beans, a cup and a half of spaghetti squash and my pita sandwich with avocado. My addiction to avocado is starting to be a problem ;). I also had two kiwi.
Normally I try to weigh myself only once a week, but I'm so curious with this program that I weighed again this morning and I was down another 1.6. I am a little worried about my lack of green vegetable intake and my massive consumption of avocado so I'm going to try to do something about that this week. I can't say enough how much I love that I'm not starving all the time and craving junk. That's what I really wanted out of this program and so far it is working.
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