Positively Selfish

The word "selfish" has appeared in my life a lot over the course of the past week. First, it popped up at my Weight Watchers meeting. The focus was on taking time for yourself and how hard that is for so many people. The second time it was related to suicide.

Sadly, I've experienced the loss of someone I knew due to suicide quite a few times. Each time it has happened, I've heard the word "selfish" come up. I know that anger is part of the grieving process, and that's about the time that it comes up. Loved ones say thing like "how could they do this to me?", or "how could they do something so selfish?". I remember when someone very close to me lost a loved one to suicide and a member of his family said "How could he do this to us?" to which my friend replied, "How could he do this to us? What must he have been going through to do that to himself? This has nothing to do with us!" That has always stuck with me and I think it's very true.

We are taught as children not to be selfish, but it isn't our nature. We are born selfish individuals. We cry until our needs our met, and then our parents spend the rest of our lives teaching us that our needs will not always be met immediately. As we age, we learn that being selfish is bad and that we must think of others. As parents we learn to put our children before everything else in our lives and we often forget ourselves in the process. We are allowed to give in to our selfish natures as infants only. After that selfishness is beat out of us by the bully of life.

But I'm writing this because I want to tell you to be positively selfish! That's right, think about yourself and only yourself! There is a way to be positive while being selfish and a negative way to be selfish. I'm advocating the positive method. My last serious relationship was sparked by my need to be loved by another adult and I gave everything I had to him and to my children. I did everything I could to make sure those three people were as happy as possible at all times. In that process I lost everything about myself that made me who I am. It has taken me a long time, but I've regained what I lost and more.

When my Weight Watchers leader asked if we had trouble taking time for ourselves, I said NO! I don't have any trouble taking time for myself. If I want to do something, I find a way to do it. But I do it all in the positive. My children have everything they could ever need and tons of love and attention. But if they have a mother who doesn't put herself as number one on her own list then their lives are lacking. I gained over sixty pounds putting them first, I quit a college degree because I put them first. I forgot everything I loved in life aside from them because I had been trained to put others first. Well that is over and has been for some time. I don't think anyone who knows me or my children would suspect that I'm so selfish. But I am positively selfish!

So when I hear someone use the word selfish in regards to someone committing suicide I get really angry. I want to look at them and say you are damn right they were being selfish! I've never been close to suicide, but having been around enough of the aftermath I think I finally understand. People who make this choice are so often people who you think are happy and loving life. In the most recent experience I've heard so many stories and witnessed myself the apparent happiness of the young man who took his own life. When I asked some of his friends if they saw any signs, they said they knew he struggled with things like we all do, but they all thought he was so happy. Clearly that wasn't the case. So I imagine that when someone decides that they are going to take their own life, it is the one time in their life aside from infancy where there are truly thinking of no one but themselves. They likely think of very little other than how they are going to accomplish the task that they have decided on.

When I think of that feeling, I think of my own selfishness. I think what if they had been selfish earlier? What if before it got to this point they decided to think of no one but themselves? What if they thought of no one else and sought help? What if they didn't care how it hurt someone else to hear what they had to say? What if they didn't care if it inconvenienced someone because they just needed to get away for a while? What if they didn't care what anyone else thought about the person they really wanted to be? What if they thought of no one else and did what they needed to do for them?

What if we spent a little less time teaching our children to think of others and made sure they thought about themselves sometimes too?

Perspective

This morning I received a phone call from a very dear friend of mine. He was calling to let me know that a member of his family had taken his own life. I didn't know the young man well, but I think the phone call was for the support he needed; which I of course tried to give him. I know very little about what led him to this choice, but I knew him as a funny, and outgoing young man in the prime of his life.

But while most people spent the day trying to figure out why this happened and what was going on in his mind, my own mind kept going to his mother. I can't begin to imagine the sheer agony she must be feeling and wonder how her own life will ever go on. I've never felt the kind of pain that would make me want to take my own life, but losing one of my children is the only thing I can thing of that would put me there and I hope I never have to experience it. I wish she wasn't experiencing it now and I wonder, as I'm sure she is now wondering, how could you prevent something like this?

How do I convince my young children that the bad things that happen to them now and later will not only not be the worst things that will happen to them, but they won't be the end of the world either. How can I make them see that there will be some times that are so wonderful that all of the bad stuff washes away? How do you make sure someone you love knows that they can come to you with anything and you will help them?

Things like this make every little thing I worry about seem silly. It makes me let the house go to pieces and give in to the extra treat. It also makes me realize that my current desire to find a way to be with my children as much as possible and to live a life that is enriching to all of us is more important than any "thing" I could ever want to buy. It's sad that tragedy changes our perspective...but it does and I guess that if anything good is to come out of a day like this then perhaps its a stronger focus on those we love.

Rest in peace Justin. You are already missed.

Effing Snow!

I swear to you that I don't think I would be sad if I never saw snow again! Since Friday we have been hit with at least two feet of snow. This is the second storm we've had like this in addition to several other smaller storms. I can't stand winter anyway, but this has gone too far! I have been stuck in the house alone since Friday morning and who knows when it will be safe for my ex to bring the kids back. I've got a lot of homework done, and things around the house, but this is getting insane!

On top of all of what we already have, they are calling for another light snow on Tuesday, and I just heard another chance of snow for the weekend! COME ON! I cannot wait for spring!

Updates

So, once again I've been slacking. I'm still seriously behind in school, but I'm trying to make some headway. The material is pretty tough and I find myself feeling pretty stupid most of the time.

Aside from school things have been going pretty well. Last week I lost another 2.2 pounds which brings me to 26.8 in 17 weeks! I'm really excited about it and trying not to focus on how much more I have to lose.

In addition to that, on Friday my mother took me to get my birthday present (a little early). I got my very first tattoo!! I had an appointment at 12:00 and when I got there I was so nervous I was ready to puke! Once there, I learned the artist was running late and they needed me to come back at 1:30. Mom, Diane (who had come for moral support) and I went to eat and kill time. By the time we went back, I was a little less nervous, but the artist still wasn't there! He finally showed up around 1:45 and started drawing the tattoo and setting up. The longer he took the more nervous I got. While sitting there this big burly guy started getting a tattoo on his back. The look on his face doubled my nervousness. Here he was getting one on his back where there was plenty of flesh, and I was going to get it on my foot?!

I didn't chicken out though. It only took about ten minutes from start to finish and it did hurt A LOT! But every time I thought I couldn't take it, he would stop to wipe it off, so that made it more tolerable. I have had almost no pain since and don't regret the decision at all.

16 Weeks

This past Thursday was my 16th week at Weight Watchers. That's considered important because after that amount of time they believe you are more likely to stick with the program (or something like that). In 16 weeks I have lost almost 25 pounds! I'm very excited about the 25 pounds, but I'm more excited about how much losing the weight has already changed me. In this short period of time my confidence has doubled and made me try things I've been too scared to try before.

Before the meeting I decided I'd try on a pair of jeans that haven't fit for a long time. They zipped up easily and fit quite comfortably. I was so excited! When I got home later that day I decided to try on some other pairs of jeans to see if they fit. I was shocked to discover that I was able to put on a pair of my size 14 jeans and they fit great!! It was amazing to get back into that size!

I was on a roll! I started going through everything in my dresser drawers to see what fit and what didn't. I managed to completely empty one drawer and seriously narrow down several others. I also went through my closet and cleaned out a ton of things there as well. I ended up with a giant garbage bag of clothes that were all too big! It was such an amazing feeling! I can't wait to get rid of even more clothes as even more pounds fall off!!

Turning 30

Sorry I've been a little absent. School has started back up and I'm already a week behind! I'm taking four English classes and a psychology lab. The English classes mean I have to read twelve novels and countless works out of various anthologies! Needless to say I'm a little overwhelmed.

But, that's not what this post is about. I'm turning 30 this year! That exclamation point at the end there means that I'm excited about it. I wasn't excited about it a few months ago. I haven't been excited about it since I turned 29, but I'm excited now. My life is completely insane right now, but I really can't complain. I've made more strides toward the life I want since getting laid off almost a year ago than I ever would have if that hadn't happened. Going back to school to finish the degree I started in 1997 was the fist step toward becoming who I really want to be, and things have just been falling into line ever since. Joining Weight Watchers was another huge step, which led me to meeting my friend Diane who is teaching a writing class which I will be taking and who has pushed me to start becoming the runner I always dreamed of being. I've wanted to write my whole life, and haven't done it for a very long time. I'm not sure why, just afraid I guess. Afraid that whatever came out would suck. But now I don't care!

That's another big thing that's happened recently...I've realized I don't give a damn! I used to worry constantly about what others thought of me. If someone was talking quietly near me, I thought they were talking about me. If someone was the slightest bit off when talking to me I thought it was the end of the world. But, now I just don't care! This could have something to do with getting older (or my happy pills) but it's happened and I'm glad! I truly am happier than I've ever been in my life and while there are things that I'd like to change, for the first time in a long time I feel unstoppable! I feel like anything I want is within reach and that turning 30 is going to be spectacular!

Diet Smugness

I'm starting to develop a bit of diet smugness when it comes to Weight Watchers. I've been at an unhealthy weight for most of my life, so I know how hard it is to lose weight. I also know that a lot of the time it's no fun, and you want it to go a lot faster than it ever does. I see the appeal of the fad diets and diet pills; I really do. But as we all know, the only true way to lose weight is through a proper diet and exercise. It's the ONLY way to keep weight off. Even if you do something really drastic to get the weight off, you won't keep it off without proper diet and exercise.

Today while out buying some staples for my weight loss efforts, I overheard a woman telling a friend that she was on NurtiSystem. She didn't look like she had very much weight to lose, maybe twenty pounds at most. The friend asked her how much it cost and she said $150 for three weeks of food and she could eat whatever she wanted on the weekend.

I couldn't help but mentally chuckle. How does that work? Are you really going to eat one of their food items for every meal of the day for three weeks? Really??? If you can, good for you, because you are a lot more disciplined than I am. But, I eat out sometimes and sometimes I want something really specific. I also like my food to taste good, but that's just me.

Now I do pay money to do what I might be able to do on my own. I pay $40 a month for WW because I use the online tools and it's the cheapest way. I get to go to as many meetings as I want, and you would have to go to the meetings to see how great they are. I didn't think I would like them, or that they would make a difference, but they really do. It's weekly accountability as well as support and ideas. Not to mention that I've made a great friend there who is now my running buddy and someone who has already learned so much that she helps me out a ton.

So, now I'm a WW snob, I admit it. I can eat real food every day. I learn how to manage portions, I learn what foods make me overeat. I learn why I over eat. I learn how to incorporate everything I enjoy into my life without overdoing it.

I didn't get fat hating food. I got fat loving food, and I have to learn how to manage my love of food forever, not lose a bunch of weight depriving myself only to gain it back plus more!