High Maintenance Hippie

First Weeks of 2012

2012-01-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

So how are things going for everyone in 2012? I don't make resolutions for the new year, so I haven't broken any of them yet! I always have things I'd like to accomplish, but I don't set out any specific plan...perhaps I should.

I do feel like I need to do some more paring down this year. The great purge of 2011 was a good start, but we still have a whole lot of stuff that we don't use. I also really need to do some more digital purging because it still feels like I spend way too much time dealing with that sort of thing.

The first weeks of 2012 brought with it some residual stuff from 2011 that I'm not comfortable talking about yet. I do plan to share it with you in the coming months, but I need to be sure everything is settled and I'm comfortable with how to approach it. So there's something to look forward to!

I'm also planning to start yet another blog dealing with health and fitness. I'm passionate about helping people become their healthiest and feel like I need a forum to help those who may not have the money to join a gym or Weight Watchers.

I also want to read a whole lot more in 2012 so maybe I'll discuss a few books. Who knows, but I hope you stay tuned!

Theme Song for 2012

2011-12-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

I don't always post about it, but every year I pick a theme song for the new year. I just saw Beonce perform this and I think its a good one for 2012!

Endings and Beginnings

2011-12-31T17:57:00.000-08:00

So it is New Year's Eve and we are counting down to the first moments of 2012. I don't make resolutions really, but I do reflect on the passing year and try come up with some ideas for making the next year a good one.

2011 started pretty good and I had a lot of things in mind that I wanted to do. Some of them I accomplished. I became a Weight Watchers leader which was something I really wanted to do and since then I have found a job working in a gym to further my passion for helping people become healthy. My kids are healthy and happy and I have a lot to be thankful for.

A lot of really crappy stuff happened too however. It really wasn't what I would consider a banner year in my life. Things were pretty tough financially and I've gone through some stuff that I might share in a later post. I'm trying to focus on the good things, and move past the bad.

Today also marked the end of a huge part of my life. For about 29 years I've spent a large portion of my time at a restaurant owned by a man I consider to be my father. This place is like Cheers without the alcohol. Everyone knows you're name and you always have friends there. I went to homecomings and proms from there. I celebrated birthdays and graduations. I brought my babies there right out of the hospital, and celebrated their birthdays. The owner, Jim, walked me down the aisle when I got married. There are endless memories associated with this restaurant and today it closed its door after 34 years. Jim is retiring and deserves it more than anyone I know. I'll still see him regularly, but losing this home away from home has hit me incredibly hard.

So while I am really looking forward to a fresh start in 2012, I am still wondering how this void will be filled.

I hope all of you have a wonderful 2012 filled with peace and happiness!

Simple Christmas Success!

2011-12-31T10:57:00.000-08:00

All of my Christmas nerves were for nothing! This was truly one of the best Christmas' we've had in a while. The kids seem really happy with everything that they received and spent the whole day happily building their Lego sets. We had simple homemade pizzas, and ice cream sundaes and laid around in our pajamas all day. One unplanned side effect of the simple Christmas was that we only had one extra bag of trash at the curb this year! In the past I've always felt so guilty about how much trash our celebrations created so this year it felt a lot better.

Overall the day was a total win and we will do it again next year!

Christmas Nerves

2011-12-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

Well it is one week until the big day! Christmas day that is and I'm getting nervous. Why would anyone be nervous about Christmas you ask. Well, as I posted a few days ago, this is going to be our first "simple" Christmas. Now I'm sure that for the more seasoned minimalist our Christmas won't look all that simple. But, for us, it is a big change.

The shift happened partially because of my desire to simplify and mostly because of my lack of funds this year. There has been a bit of mental struggle with this situation I can tell you that for sure! I've made the selections for the boys with a lot of thought. I asked them repeatedly for suggestions and listened for the repeats. I feel like the items I've purchased will be things that they really enjoy and things that will get a lot of use. But I can't deny that the pile of gifts is small. Wrapping didn't take very long and I got serious mommy guilt. It doesn't help reading about all the amazing things other people have bought for their kids.

Will they be disappointed? Will I be the one to ruin Christmas? Or will I get to enjoy the holiday a little more because I bought them things they truly enjoy and I don't feel bad when half of it sits around never being played with and feeling guilty about the money I've spent on it all?

I'll let you know!

Support Systems

2011-12-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about support systems lately. I have a few friends going through separations and divorces, and my own schedule has made me wish I had another person here to support me emotionally as well as around the house. But it was an episode of The Biggest Loser that sparked this blog post. I don't know if anyone watches the show but I pick up past episodes on Hulu since I work when it is one. I'm a few episodes behind and last night I saw the episode in which Bob goes to Texas to the home of one of the contestants for a week.

Now Bob is paid to care about these people, but it's pretty evident that not all of that caring comes from this just being his job. He wants the people on the show to do well, to lose weight, and to get healthy. I suspect that is what any trainer wants. That's why he wasn't nearly as excited when one of his girls won the contest to return home to her family for a week. He knew what it meant. It meant going back into an environment full of temptations, stressors, and support issues.

This girls family seemed to really care about her and want to do what they could to help her, but I think the key to the entire episode was in the restaurant they took Bob to. It was a BBQ place with almost nothing on the menu that she could eat (not to mention it was pretty rude to take Bob to a BBQ place when he's a vegan). Bob looked at her family and told them that that type of restaurant would not be a place she could visit very much in the future.

The looks on the faces of her family members said a lot. Until that moment I don't think they had really grasped the seriousness of the issue. They had smiles on their faces about having their loved one home and a celebrity trainer in their midst, but they hadn't really thought about their role in her weight loss.

Can people be successful in a weight loss journey without the support of those around them? Yes, if they are determined and know how important it is to their health. Is it worlds harder than it would be with support? Oh yes! I see people all the time who do not have support and they make great strides, but those who have people in their corner do so much better.

If you're starting out on a plan to get healthy, do everything you can to bring those you love along. Even if they don't need to lose weight, everyone can be healthier than they are right now. Take them to the doctor with you so they can hear how important it is to your health. If you're going to a weight loss program like Weight Watchers, bring them along. If you're seeing a personal trainer have the trainer tell them all the ways they can help you along. Do whatever it takes to show the people around you how much they can help you on your journey.

If you still can't get those people on board, do it without them! Make the changes you need to make. Many times when other people see you doing well, they want to make changes too. But if not, seek out alternatives. Look for friends, support groups, even online forums. There is always someone out there who will be your rock!

Smalltopia

2011-11-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

In the beginning stages of my quest to scale down, I stumbled upon the blog Rowdy Kittens. This woman's life fascinates me and I love reading about her writing and her tiny house. I would love to be armed with a camera, laptop, and a bicycle to get through life. She's an inspiration in minimalist living and she's written a great book called Smalltopia. I picked it up at regular price on my Kindle and it was well worth the money. Right now though, it is on sale for only $0.99 for the Kindle! Don't have a Kindle, you can download the Kindle reading app for free on your computer, smartphone, or iPad! I highly suggest picking up a copy!

Smalltopia: A Practical Guide to Working for Yourself

Minimalism at Christmas

2011-11-27T14:38:00.000-08:00

So it is that time of year. Christmas, when everyone is in such a good mood and we buy in excess from Thanksgiving until New Years! I did not (and never do participate) in Black Friday. There is nothing that I need bad enough to get up early and wait in long lines with grouchy people. So what do I do about Christmas after months of purging my house of excess stuff?

I'm looking at Christmas a little different this year. The decorating has begun and it is far from a minimalist display. I put up one large and two small trees in my two-bedroom apartment. It's crazy and it is too much work, but I like it and so do the kids. I'm taking the decorating time to purge out decorations that we don't use anymore. That's going well and hopefully means I'll have less to put away this year. The only problem is, it seems like the storage closet has grown in the amount of stuff it contains again and I'm not sure why. I just know I feel like purging a whole lot of stuff again.

So how am I going to deal with the onslaught of toys that come into the house this time of year? Well, they aren't coming. Lucky for me the boys still believe in Santa. They felt pretty good about the cleaning out we did and have been pretty good about not asking to bring too much back in. They asked for things for their birthday that they actually really wanted and play with. It was a good test run. So, I told them that I'd had a discussion with Santa about our choice to live with less, and that he was going to comply with that by just bringing some really special stuff he knows they'll enjoy. Lucky for me, they seemed totally fine with that. They even altered their lists and I think the things they want are really what they truly want.

The thing is, I know this is more my issue than theirs. They have Christmas with their father and step-mother, with their step-mother's family, and with their grandparents on both sides. They'll get plenty. So it's just my fear of looking like I don't love them enough to buy them stuff than any real need they have. They don't need any of it and will probably be a lot happier with the few good things I get them over all of the stuff I've gone overboard with in years past.

So, I'm being very selective about the gifts this year and we will see how it all goes. My hope is that when they open their gifts they are just as happy or happier than in years past and that when it is time to put it all away it will be easy to do!

The Monster Tamed

2011-11-15T03:37:00.000-08:00

Did you think I was gone forever? Sorry I have been gone for so long. I got a new job with a crazy schedule and between that and all of the other things I have going on there hasn't been a lot of time for blogging. But I couldn't leave you all hanging any longer on my last decluttering post.

You may remember the images of my outside storage closet and how it had become such a source of stress for me because it was so packed full of junk. Well I'm happy to report that it has been (mostly) tamed. There is still a fair amount of stuff in the closet and I hope to purge more as time goes on. However, it is starting to get colder and the holidays are approaching and I just needed to get it manageable before bad weather really sets in. I plan to purge the Christmas decorations when I get them out to decorate. Even though it is not as pared down as I would like it to be, it makes me feel so much better when I open the door now.

So for a refresher, here it is before...

And after...

I know it is kind of hard to tell how much better it really is, but trust me, I can get to the things I need now and it doesn't make me want to wretch when I open the door anymore. So with the exception of paring down things as I find myself not needing them, my massive decluttering project is essentially over. I'm still working on the digital decluttering process which sometimes seems hopeless. Don't leave me though. I plan to try to make a little time to blog as often as I can!

Watch the Dr. Oz Show Today!

2011-09-26T04:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've professed my love for Dr. Oz on this blog before...so I'll do it now! I LOVE the Oz man! It's a little disturbing really. I know people who spend big money to go to concerts and who get all excited over celebrities in movies. I'd pay big money to see Dr. Oz.

Because of this obsession I'm very excited that Weight Watchers is teaming up with Dr. Oz to help with his Transformation Nation contest. The show will air today and I'm very excited about it!

Watch the sneak preview and check for air times in your area! Hope to see a lot of people take part in this!

Online Dating 101 For Men

2011-09-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've done the online dating thing off an on for a little while now. I'm not ashamed of this fact as I know several people who have met their spouse in this manner, I don't go to bars, and it saves you a lot of awkward dates by eliminating people you aren't compatible with early on. In this process I have identified some things that men should really consider when creating an online dating profile and I thought I should share the info in case I have any single male readers. Before someone says I'm being mean, know that I'm sure women do stuff they shouldn't as well. But, I'm coming from one perspective.

1. The Picture

You need to have one. If I have one, you should too. No, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but attraction is important. If I'm not the least bit attracted to you, then we're not off to a good start.

Once you have taken the picture, you need to look at it. Are you still wearing your wedding ring? Yeah, you might want to take that off.

Are your clothes clean and presentable? A date is sadly much like a job interview. If you're not willing to put your best foot forward for the picture, should I believe you will make any effort once in a relationship? You don't have to wear a suit and tie, but a shirt without stains and holes might be a start. Now, if your picture was taken by someone else while you were hard at work or something, that's different. But if you're taking it yourself or posing, make some sort of effort.

Are you even wearing clothes? Yeah, you should be. I don't want to see your abs (or lack thereof) before I've even met you. This does not apply if your picture was taken while on the beach or at the pool, but it doubly applies if you're taking the picture in your bathroom mirror. Honestly, it's best to avoid taking the picture in the bathroom.

Flexing. Just don't do it. It makes you look nuts and often you don't have the muscles you think you do.

Leave your jedi light saber or other swords out of the picture. Then again, that's information I need early, so by all means.

Spit out the snuff. In fact, quit dipping. Again you look nuts with a big lump on your face. Not to mention it's repulsive.

Tattoos. I love them, but I don't need a picture devoted just to your tattoo...especially if it's one you should have thought twice about.

2. Your profile

Write something in it. We need to know who you are and what you like.

Spell check and avoid text language. Again, this is like a job interview. You don't have to be a perfect speller but EVERY program underlines the words you get wrong and if you right-click it will give you spelling suggestions. Text speak just makes you look ignorant.

3. My profile

Read it carefully. Read it again before you contact me. I wrote what I wrote for a reason. I wanted to let you know some things about me before you contact me so you can eliminate me if I am not someone you'd likely get along with. If you read that I'm agnostic and your screen name is Jesus Freak then we likely won't get along all that well.

Once you contact me I will read your profile and if it is very evident from that, or from what you wrote to me that you did not read my profile I will not respond. It's just respectful and you look like a fool if it's obvious you only contacted me because of my picture.

4. First contact

If you decide to write to me....write something! "Hey" is not an opening email.

If you start out with anything about how "hot" I am and nothing else, you're getting deleted.

Asking me to meet you in the first email is creepy. Don't do it.

I'm sure people will think I'm being cocky by saying these things, but most of it just seems common sense to me. If you wouldn't do it on a job interview, don't do it in a dating profile. I know real life will set in at some point, but it's nice to at least make some effort when you're actively trying to meet new people.

A little addition to this post. A friend of mine shared this video and I found it too funny and too much like what I've experienced. Warning, lots of f-bombs so be careful where you watch it!

9/11

2011-09-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

It is the morning of September 11, 2011, ten years since a day that changed our country forever. There will be no talk of anything else today. My Facebook wall is covered with videos and comments about it. The question that prevails is "Do you remember where you were that day?" My answer is "Of course I do". For any American old enough to remember with any real understanding every detail is etched into our minds for as long as our minds hold out. As someone with an extreme anxiety issue, it consumed me for much longer than the one day.

But I'm not going to tell you were I was, or how I felt. I'm not going to watch media coverage of it, and I'm not going to post things on Facebook about it. I'm sure people will think that means I don't remember those who lost their lives, those who were left behind, and those who struggle every day with illness related to the recovery efforts. I'm sure it means I'm not patriotic or a good American.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I obsessed about that day for a very long time after it happened. I watched everything and read everything there was to watch about it. It was horrible and it impacted me deeply. But the truth is, I can't relive it every year. My heart aches for the victims. I have found myself thinking about them at totally random times ever since. But I just can't make it the whole focus of the month of September every year.

Call me what you will, but my heart is with all of those involved today. I don't fault anyone for remembering how they choose to remember. If that means posting videos, talking about it with friends, attending services, then that's great. Everyone deals in their own way. But for me, I have to live my life with the knowledge that many people's lives were lost that day. They cannot go on, but the rest of us can. The rest of us can hug our kids a little tighter, call our loved ones a little more, and focus on solutions to the world's problems that don't involve violence. So I'm going to live today for those who cannot. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I have a feeling all of the victims would be telling us to do just that.

The Monster!

2011-09-05T14:24:00.000-07:00

When I moved into my apartment I was very pleased to find that it had an outdoor storage building attached. I knew it would come in handy for storing Christmas decorations and the link. I did not know that my hoarding tendencies would turn it into the beast that it has become. As the following pictures will show, getting the Christmas decorations out takes an act of Congress. I also had to add a bunch of Weight Watchers gear recently and now it's just more than I can stand.

Today's holiday was supposed to be spent cleaning this space out, but I woke up to rain so I didn't expect to get anywhere on that. I finished the last detail of the boys room which was cleaning out their drawers and then since the rain had stopped I decided to get started. I didn't get very far before the rain started up again and I had to put it all back. I did get several bags ready for donation and a few bags of trash, so at least I made a start which feels good. This week is going to be insane so I have no idea when I'll get back to it. But, just so you can see what I'm up against, here are the before pictures...

Thoughts on Money

2011-09-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

I live in a great little neighborhood. It's one that I've lived in off and on since I was born in some area or another. It's near a Mennonite university and a retirement home so we have a really interesting mix of older and younger people as well as families. We also have an interesting mix of money. While no one would really be considered "poor" in the area, it ranges from apartment dwellers to some really expensive and large houses. There's one particular hill of really fancy homes that has been there since I was very young and grown over the years.

I've always been in awe of this hill of homes. My Kindergarten "boyfriend" lived on the hill for a while as well as some of my other classmates in elementary school. I've walked the hill many times over the years and admired the beautiful houses and nice cars in the driveways. I have always wanted to live on the hill. My tastes have changed over the years and so I have a different favorite house depending on when you ask me. I always thought that if I were living on that hill I would know that I've made it.

I walked that hill last night and something had changed. None of the houses were my favorite anymore. Sure, they are all still beautiful and I don't fault a single owner for wanting to own them. But I don't want to live there anymore. I realized that the desire to be at the place where I could live there has caused me to make stupid choices and pretend like I had more money than I really do. It has put me into a horrible financial place, one I never thought I'd be in...ever.

My dream home has really changed in my mind since the beginning of my financial struggle and this process of decluttering my home and my life. It's much smaller and a lot less fancy than those houses on the hill. I'm not suggesting that if you can afford a home like that or still want to have one one day that there's something wrong with you. I'm just saying don't pretend like I did. Make smart choices to have what you desire and don't sacrifice on your way there.

And while we're talking dream homes. A blog dealing with minimalism wouldn't be complete without some videos of people living in tiny homes. Could you do it?

Boys Room Complete!

2011-08-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

Now that school has started back for all of us (my classes started today) and the weather will soon get cooler I have an overwhelming desire to get this project complete! So, yesterday and today the boys and I worked on their room and I'm happy to announce that it is complete! Now, the rest of the house looks like a bomb went off in it because of all of the stuff that needs to go to the thrift store, but at least their room looks good!

If I'd had my way we would have eliminated a lot more stuff. But, they're kids and I think they did amazing in this process. My oldest is way past ready for it to be over. He has a lot less attachment to things than the rest of us, so as long as you don't touch his books he's OK. But, I still felt like I had to ask him about everything. Overall the got rid of a ton. There are some things they kept that I didn't really see the need for because it never gets used. So, I will observe for a few months and see if they do, if not, they may secretly disappear. So, here are the before and afters!

Bedroom Is Done!

2011-08-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

I worked on my bedroom off and on yesterday and today and finally finished it up. So far, it has been the most stressful of rooms (I keep saying that don't I). I knew it was going to be rough because I have a lot of sentimental things in there. Under my bed I had two small storage bins with cards and letters, and a huge tote full of pictures in frames. I also have a big cedar chest that was full to the brim of various things.

The boxes weren't too hard. Once contained wedding invitations and other little things that I will use in my scrapbooks, so I kept all of that. There were only a few weddings in there anyway. The other box contained tons of cards and letters. Most were from my kids from various holidays and of course I had to keep all of those. There were a few from my best friend, my mom, my grandmother and my grandfather, so they all stayed too. But then there were also quite a few from my ex-husband. When I went through them last night I kept all of those. I figured that perhaps my kids would want to see them at some point. But then this morning I went through them all again and got rid of all but a few. I don't know how much of that stuff (if any) the boys will care about, so I figured one or two would be enough, and the ones I kept were about the kids so it was all relative.

The cedar chest proved to be much more difficult. There were a lot of things from my wedding, and a bunch of my baby clothes. I collect Gone With the Wind memorabilia so there was some of that in there too. I got rid of a few things that really didn't need to be saved, and then had to decide what to do with the remainder. I kept all the wedding pictures and the video for the boys sake, and got rid of everything else from the wedding.

The baby clothes were a bit tricky. Since I didn't have boys, I couldn't use them for my own child and they really don't have much sentimental value to me, because I don't remember wearing them. They mean a lot more to my mom, as I suspect the boys clothes will to me, so I'm giving them back to her to decide what to do with them. I could have kept them, but I know I have tons of sentimental things out in my storage shed and I want to try to contain all that stuff (not including things I keep of the boys) to this cedar chest. I know I have tons of stuff out there from high school, so I'm going to have to be very selective. Now I have about half the cedar chest empty for those things.

Enough chatter, I know you want to see pictures! The first is from a corner next to the closet and cedar chest.

These are from the side of the bed that I sleep on.

Lastly this is from a corner next to my dresser. At the moment I know it doesn't look that much better. However, what you don't see in the before picture is two baskets that were overflowing with fabric and used t-shirts that I use for sewing projects (well you can see part of one). They are now contained to the pink bin and its size is going to force me to work on those projects or get rid of that stuff too. Also, the workout step is still there in the box because I'm hoping to find a new home for it that allows it to be out of the way, and get used. If it doesn't, it's gone too! So I may have a better after picture of this space at some point.

Of all the rooms I've done so far this one still feels the most "full". Even though I cleaned almost everything out from under the bed and the closet was done some months ago, I still feel like there is too much stuff. It's funny how the more you get rid of, the more you want to get rid of!

What a Day

2011-08-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been a little absent, but like I said, a lot's happening around here and I won't be able to keep up the daily pace I had going. I've done some more stuff removal, but nothing too major the past few days. Mostly getting the stuff out of the house, cleaning up behind it and figuring out to do with some things. I did do my bathroom closet and my dresser yesterday. I didn't take pictures of the dresser because you all really don't want to see my underwear, but I got rid of a ton of stuff and it's nice to open the drawers again.

The bathroom closet was interesting too. If you've read my other blog I May Be Cheap (which sadly hasn't been updated in forever) then you know I'm a bargain shopper and get a lot of beauty items for free or nearly free. Well, I can only use so much of that stuff so it was really piling up. Needless to say, most of it is gone and my mom and her friends at work were the recipients of all of that.

In my last post I mentioned that while cleaning my desk I somehow managed to break my printer. This was a pretty big deal given that it was a multifunction and I used it daily. Even bigger because I did not have the money to replace it. I'm happy to announce that a very generous friend whom I cannot thank enough replaced it for me and I'm happily printing, copying and scanning again!

Today was a pretty nutty day so not a lot got accomplished on this mission. I woke up this morning and learned that one of my friends lost her husband this weekend. He was way too young to pass away and left behind a loving wife and two very young little girls. I haven't been able to stop thinking about them all day. I'm not a huge fan of my single status and thinking about how happy they were and what a great life they've shared for all of these years made me realize how much I want that too. Maybe an odd thing to think about related to someone's passing, but I guess I know he'd want people to remember that stuff about him and so would she.

It was also the first day of school for my boys. My oldest entered his last year of elementary school as a fifth grader and loves it so far. My youngest is a proud fourth grader. Upon my return home from getting them on the bus I learned there were two bus accidents, so that gave me momentary panic until I learned it was not their bus. Then, this afternoon for the first time in my life we experienced an earthquake! It was fairly minor overall and the shaking was not enough for a lot of people to know exactly what happened, but it's still not something I want to do again that's for sure! The boys didn't even know it happened though, so that made me feel better.

Overall it was an exhausting day. I'm ready for it to be finished and hope tomorrow is somewhat better. And since I know you want to see, here are the before and afters of my bathroom closet!

Working on the Living Room

2011-08-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

With the exception of my desk area and my sons trucks I've totally forgotten to take pictures of my living room declutter. I'm sorry about that because I know the pictures make it more fun, but I just got into it and realized I'd forgotten when I was about halfway through. So, I'll try to paint a mental picture.

There were books EVERYWHERE! I love books. I'm an English major, I have a Kindle, but I cannot get rid of books. I also buy more books almost every time I go to a thrift store. They make me happy and I will likely keep most of the ones I have during this process. But they were taking over. So were toys. We had a three drawer storage bin that was full of toys that the boys never play with, so we started with that. It was packed and we got it down to having about four things in it. We also had a toy box that was mine as a child that doubles as a coffee table. It took was packed full of toys that they never play with. So, that was next on the list. We got it down to where we were able to put everything into the three drawer bin with room to spare!!

Back to the books. I have two large shelves in the living room back two deep and with books shoved in the space on top as well. I also had a basket that was overflowing and a stack against the wall that was nearly as tall as one of the shelves. All of the books in the basket, those stacked against the wall, and many that were in the space at the top of the other books have now been relocated to the toy box. I still get to keep them and read them, but they're not in the way anymore! It's fantastic!

The last part of the living room that needs to be tackled is this table that used to be used for scrapbooking. It still contains all of my scrapbook stuff (which I hope to relocate once my storage shed is cleaned out) and our bird. I'm going to clean it out and organize it the best I can so that it will be easy to move around once I have the ability to do so.

Overall it has been a productive day and once I move to the bathroom I'll remember to start taking pictures again!

My Desk Disaster

2011-08-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

My desk area has always been a disaster, and once again a source of constant stress. I'm at it a lot, use a lot of the things that are in the space, but knew I had too much that I didn't need or use. I started working on it the other day, but couldn't complete it straight through. Last night I couldn't take it anymore and finished it off.

However, there was a casualty. I turned my printer sideways to dust behind it and now it doesn't work. Every indication is that it is toast and not worth fixing out of warranty. I'm very upset as I use it nearly every day for some purpose.

So here are the befores...

And the afters....

Now to find a bargain on a new printer!

One Room Down!

2011-08-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't post any yesterday but it was a very busy day. No cleaning, just work. Things may slow down a bit here because I have tons of work to do, my kids start school next week, and I start classes the following week. There might not be as much to take before and after pictures of either, but I'll do my best!

This evening I did the last of the straightening and cleaning in the kitchen and I am happy to announce that it is finished!!!!! Some things just got relocated to the room that they belong in for decluttering there, but for the most part I did everything in the kitchen so I didn't have to worry with it somewhere else.

I couldn't believe how much easier it was to clean my kitchen without all the junk in it. For the first time, it didn't stress me out to do it! If you're thinking about doing this, I highly recommend it. I feel so much lighter already!

I'm moving on to my desk area and will hopefully have some pictures for you soon! In the meantime, please share your decluttering stories with me!

Comments

2011-08-15T16:02:00.001-07:00

My mother brought it to my attention that you had to have an account to post a comment. I have updated the settings so that is no longer the case. My apologies and I hope that means more people will comment!

I've Created a Monster

2011-08-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the boys help me clean out the craft supplies because they use a lot of them and I wanted their input on what needed to be kept. Apparently, I've created a monster. My youngest son was the least on board about this process when I explained it, but he caught the bug. While I was working this afternoon he decided he wanted to clean out his car bins. The child loves his cars and they're the one thing I thought he'd have the most trouble going through. Apparently, I was wrong!

I didn't get a chance to take a picture before he got started, but here are the containers that were literally overflowing before he went through them.

And now we're down to this!!!! I'm so proud of him and he did this all on his own with my constantly telling him he could keep more if he wanted to.

The best part is, a sweet little young man is going to get the cars he no longer uses!

Today's Donations

2011-08-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

I should have taken pictures of everything that was going out of the house as well as the before and afters. I only realized this this morning when I was looking at the pile I had to load into the car. I filled a huge rolling rack at Gift & Thrift by myself. Bear in mind, I've already donated a similar sized pile and this is just from the kitchen! Ignore the rest of the mess, my kids had stuff everywhere!

There were five trash bags, a box and a paper bag. I felt like a ton had been lifted off me after we drove away. I also mailed three cookbooks I sold on Amazon, gave away an ice cream maker to a friend, and a few things to my mom. It's so nice walking into my kitchen now!

If you're interested in where all of these things are headed, I donate to Gift & Thrift. All of the proceeds go to Mennonite Central Committee and it's such a nice and well organized store.

Craft Supply Overload

2011-08-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

I was working last night and got tired of sitting, so I thought I'd do another quick clean out as a break. Turns out that was a bad idea because what I decided to work on was NOT quick at all. Because I live in a small apartment, there just isn't room for a lot of the things we have. I know I'm going to have more than I want in here but that's the way it is. Our kitchen doubles as a craft space and it had reached critical mass.

Totally insane isn't it? You can see where I was keeping the pet food that I mentioned in the pantry clean out. It took forever, but here's the after! I felt so good when I finally went to bed that you would have thought tomorrow was Christmas! I wish I didn't have to have so much of this in the kitchen, but for now, this is where it will be. Perhaps as this process continues I'll find a better home for it all.

Digital Clutter and a Request

2011-08-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Sadly my clutter is not limited to the world you can touch, it extends into the virtual world as well. I used to be the queen of managing my e-mail inbox and took pride in the fact that it was almost always empty or organized into nice neat folders. That is a thing of the past. Now my e-mail is always full of stuff I think I might read, newsletters I've signed up for and never read, and things that are actually important, but lost in the shuffle.

So since I'm on the computer for most of the day anyway, I have decided that as soon as an e-mail comes into my box it will be dealt with. If it is a newsletter I do not read, I will immediately unsubscribe. If it needs to be responded to, I will respond. If I just can't do something with it at that moment, then I'll leave it, but I'm going to try to avoid that if I can.

On another note, I've been hearing from a lot of people that this blog is inspiring them to get rid of some things as well. I only have five followers through Google, but I know more are reading. So, I'd like to hear from you! Please leave a comment, or even better, send me your stories and pictures so I can share them! I'd love to see what others are up to!

highmaintenancehippieblog@gmail.com

Pantry Clean Out

2011-08-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

So last night after my post I was feeling good and decided I'd keep going. I went for the cabinet under my sink and found a few interesting things. The first was that I probably won't have to buy glass cleaner until the boys go to college. And the second is that I had five containers of Lysol...and I don't use Lysol. Those will be going to our SPCA. So here are the before and afters of the cabinet under the sink.

I didn't get rid of all of those cleaning supplies as they are useful. I re-homed them above the sink with the rest of those products.

Now for the pantry. This space is probably what started it all. It depressed me every time I walked into it. I knew that there was a lot of stuff that needed to be thrown out because it was expired, but I couldn't make myself do it. I knew I had to though, and so I did it finally. It was very depressing and a good reminder to myself about why I'm doing this. The excess in my house was causing me to waste, repurchase and throw out perfectly good things because I forgot about them. I felt sick while taking this on, but now that it's done I feel so much better and know it will keep it from happening again. Note that when I took the before pictures I forgot there was a light in there!

And after (though I left the vacuum and trash can out so you could see better. They did go back in.

A few things did come into the pantry that were not there before. I moved my dehydrator from a spot you'll see later and the animal food from the same spot into more logical spaces in the pantry. It's great to walk in there now!

Feeling Liberated!!!

2011-08-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

When I started this process the anxiety of it all was weighing heavily on me. I'm still anxious about it, but less now about getting rid of the things, but more about getting it done faster! I have moved into a place of really feeling liberated and now I want more of that feeling! It's amazing to be able to put dishes away without having to take everything out of the cabinet to do so.

Tonight has been especially great so far. I decided to go through a cabinet that just makes me insane. It has a lot of frequently used items, as well as items that I would likely use a lot if I could get to them, but don't because I can't. This cabinet was so bad that things were falling out of it when I opened the doors. What you cannot see is that it goes way back to the right because it is next to my stove, so there was a ton of stuff back there. Only three things remain out of sight now.

This is the first time where I really didn't put everything back to show perspective. That's because I really wanted to move things to locations where I could use them since this stuff is used a lot. First was the plastic stuff. Remember my candle cabinet? Looks like a lot, but I got rid of a ton and these all get used a fair amount. There are a few that may go still, but we'll see.

And this is what went back into the cabinet. I also added my panini press, quesadilla maker, and the waffle and cupcake makers. They were either on the counter or hidden in another cabinet where they were hard to get to.

I cannot tell you how happy I am about this and how good I feel!

The Stress of the Mess!

2011-08-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have a LOT of stuff and very limited time in which to go through it. I know this is going to be a long process and I'm doing my best to accept that. However, the process itself creates a mess!!!! I have to pull everything out and go through it, then the stuff sits a little while before I can take it to the thrift store. Plus it stirs up dirt and dust and the time I spend doing this means time I spend away from other stuff in the house that needs to get done. So even though I feel very good about doing this, the act is causing me a whole lot of anxiety and stress while it's happening. I sure love dropping things off at the thrift store every day though!

I managed to get through one more cabinet last night. I did add one thing to this when done. I had my magic bullet (generic of course) on the counter in the way, and now I had room for it in a cabinet!

Lots of stuff on it's way out!

2011-08-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

This was a good evening for getting rid of stuff! I decided to go through some of the cabinets I avoided last night. I wanted all of the upper cabinets finished and I did that plus one lower. I also did the other two drawers (but forgot to take a picture of one). These before and afters aren't quite as impressive as the others because these contain things I really do use on a pretty regular basis. Not to mention that some of this stuff was layers deep so you can't really see everything. But, a whole lot of stuff did come out.

The flower bowls in these pictures do not get used all that often, but my aunt painted them for me and I refuse to get rid of them. I said I was paring down, I didn't say I'd go full blown minimalist!

These cabinets go pretty far back, so there was a lot of stuff here that you couldn't even see.

This one is the one I'm most proud of. I still might get rid of more plastic stuff in here, but everything that is left does get used. I had held onto that notion that you have to have an eight piece place setting so I'd kept an eight piece setting. I decided that was insane, kept four of everything except the mugs and now I'm happy.

I had things in this drawer that not only had I never used, but I didn't even know what they were!

Really only got rid of a few things here because the rest of this stuff is in heavy rotation. Giving my mom my salad spinner and George Foreman. Threw a way a sandwich maker that was broken. I guess I do keep some broken things after all!

While part of me wishes I could get rid of even more here, I think I made good progress and am left with things I actually use. I may pare down more as I see what I do use over the next few months, but this was progress. I only have two more cabinets in the kitchen, but one is the worst of all. I hope I survive!

Anxiety High Alert

2011-08-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today was a high anxiety level day so I felt like it would be good for me to purge something, but not anything that would be too sentimental or hard for me. So I decided to tackle the cabinet above the stove. This started out as my cookbook cabinet, but the cookbooks long spilled out onto another space (that I'll purge later) and then I ran out of spaces for bowls. Here's the before...

This space also contained a lot of recipe magazines and warranty or instruction papers for electronics and such. Here's the after...

I actually do use all of the bowls on a regular basis so they stayed. I only needed 1/4 of the warranty papers I'd saved, and only use a few of the cookbooks. With the exception of a few cookbooks I listed on Amazon, everything will be at Gift & Thrift tomorrow! It feels good!

Big Day!

2011-08-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't get an decluttering done yesterday and sadly may not today either. But, today was a big day in my weight loss journey. I switched my weigh in day to Wednesday due to schedule conflict so I had planned to weigh this morning. However, the person who was supposed to work at the center couldn't, and so I went in to cover for her. I decided I still had to know my weight for the week, so I hoped on the scale and couldn't believe my eyes! I was down 4.6 pounds and had finally hit a milestone I've been wanting to see forever. I've now lost 60 pounds with Weight Watchers!!!!!!

Now granted, I gave blood two days ago and I've been under a ton of stress, so I won't be shocked to see some of this return next week, but for today the number is 60 and I am thrilled!!!! On top of that there's a member who I know has been struggling with small losses (which is how I lost most of mine) and several times our paths have crossed at just the right time and I've managed to keep her going. Today was another one of those days. We had more time to chat and I think I was able to help her understand some things about her losses and give her some more hope. Fingers crossed she sticks with it and is able to feel as good as I do some day!

A Day of Donating

2011-08-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, the bottom dropped out of my evening and I just didn't have time. Yesterday was the day of donating. I took three shopping bags of stuff to our local thrift store, and a bag to my mom's because I had some things that were hers. I also donated a pint of blood. So, a lot went out yesterday and that made me happy.

I didn't have a lot of time to declutter anything, but really want to try to do at least one thing a day, so I decided to tackle the "junk drawer". This proved to be a little harder than I thought, because the "junk" is actually stuff I use quite a bit. But here is the before...

I did re-home a few things from this drawer before returning everything because I use these things a lot and wanted it to only contain what needed to be there.

The Indecision Of It All!

2011-08-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm resisting the urge to tear my house apart all at once quite well. I'm making myself take it cabinet by cabinet and stopping when I feel the need to pull something out of another cabinet that I know I want to get rid of. Tonight I've done two cabinets so far. Now, keep in mind that due to the amount of stuff I have some of my placement of things doesn't make much sense. I will put things in more logical homes at some point, but right now I'm taking before an after pictures with what came out of each cabinet.

It feels amazing to get rid of that much and it's getting easier every time! I did hesitate for a while over a vase. It's in the bag to be donated, but it may end up going back in the cabinet. It's really beautiful and while I don't use it often, it has been used, and I love it. So we'll see what I think about it tomorrow.

I'm also struggling with some other items, and I expect this to continue. Part of my goal in all of this is to give myself the freedom to do more things that I enjoy and spend more time with the boys. They love to cook and I need to cook more meals at home. I have a lot of cooking items (I have a lot of everything remember) and the first question of what to keep came with my silicone molds.

None of these have ever been used. I purchased them on clearance after the holiday in which they were for sale, but they've been in the cabinet since. Now, my first thought is to get rid of them since they've never been used. But, will I use them once my focus has fully shifted? I know the theory is often to get rid of it and replace it if someday you ever need it, but I can't really afford to do that right now. So, to stay or to go?

The Day After

2011-08-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

So it is the day after my first big (little) purge. Big in that for once I really got rid of stuff instead of keeping things I thought I might use. This time I only kept what I know I will use, and if it doesn't get used in the next few months, it's gone too. Little, in that I know it was just one cabinet and I have a ton of stuff ahead of me. That fact is rather daunting and probably why I haven't done this before.

When people come in to start their weight loss journey we give them a 5% and a 10% goal. These are small goals and we try to get them to focus on those goals rather than the total amount of weight they need or want to lose. I have to take the advice I give others in this situation. I can't focus on the whole house, or the anxiety will take over and nothing will get done. This could take a long time and I have to be OK with that. Honestly though, I think this might be harder than my weight loss journey.

But when I woke up this morning I did not have an urge to go put anything back in the cabinet that was slated for donation, so that must be a good sign. There was a little sense of unease, but it's already being replaced with the idea of what things will look like once the stuff is pared down. I even have some friends who are talking about doing the same thing, so I may have a little support team doing this with me.

I started!

2011-08-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

So immediately after writing my post about scaling down and getting rid of stuff I felt like I just had to tackle that candle cabinet!

I went in there and pulled everything out of it. But the whole time I was pulling things out I was feeling a lot of anxiety. Brand new candles in their packaging and I was thinking I should keep them to give away as gifts. I powered through it and got all of it out....then called my mom to tell her what a nutcase I am to be having an anxiety attack over candles. We kept talking and I got it all pared down to what I think I will actually use.

It probably won't stay in this cabinet now, but I wanted to show the perspective. All of what I took out will go to yard sale and goodwill. I have to say, I feel lighter already.

Something Has To Give

2011-08-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been here and I wish I could say it is because I've been busy having fun and living it up. But that's not the case. I've been working like a crazy person and just trying to keep my head above water. I won't bore you with the details of all that.

But over the past few months a lot has gone very wrong in my life. Sure, things can always be worse and I try to maintain a positive attitude, but I'm not a happy camper at this point in life. I have a lot that is very good and I'm not knocking any of that, but that's not the subject of this post.

I've mentioned before that I have an abnormally high anxiety level. I suspect there's a lot going on upstairs that I don't fully understand and could probably use the help of a professional. But without insurance, that isn't happening. So, you do with what you have, and all I have is myself to work with at this point. So I'm considering some rather drastic change.

Some time back I watched this Oprah show. I was enthralled! One of the largest sources of stress and anxiety in my life is stuff. No one thing in particular, just my stuff. I keep things (useful things, not broken stuff, and I'm not a hoarder) that I think I'll need or want some day. We all do this I know, but how many of you have an entire kitchen cabinet devoted to candles? Um, I do, and I almost never burn candles. There is no reason to have all of those candles, and yet I keep them.

I'm a pretty neat person. People who know me or who have been to my house know that I try to keep things orderly. But, my house looks a mess most of the time because there is WAY too much stuff in a place so small. I clean, I try to organize, but there is just too much.

After watching that show I found myself looking for more people who live a life of "voluntary simplicity". I stumbled on a blog (which I wish I could find again) of a family who lived this type of life and it looked fantastic. She posted pictures of her daughters bedroom and closet and I was just amazed at how simple it all was and how happy their life looked. Now, I'm in no way ready to move into a one bedroom cabin in the woods with my two boys, but I think most of the stuff could go and I'd never miss it.

I also think about all the time and money I've spent acquiring these things and trying to find homes for them and cleaning around them...and how much better that time could have been spent. I've been observing what my children seem to enjoy most, and none of it involves much stuff. They'd rather be at the library or making something than playing the Wii that I thought they had to have.

So this high maintenance hippie is going to try to get a little more hippie and a little less high maintenance. Think I can let go of the stuff? I'm not sure if I can, but we're going to see.

No Patience For Crap

2011-07-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm getting old, maybe I'm just a bitch...but I seriously have no patience in relationships anymore. I have so many friends going through so much crap in their marriages, dating lives and it just amazes me what people will put up with.

Now before you think I'm all high and mighty please note that I am a moron when it comes to finding love and sustaining a relationship. If you know me well you know the end of my marriage to a good man (even if he isn't the man for me) was 99% my fault. I made some STUPID choices and did things I'll regret forever. I then proceeded to stay in a horrible relationship for three years after that totally ignoring the fact that the man I was with was a compulsive liar and a narcissist. So, I'm no where near perfect.

I also believe in second chances. The people I hurt forgave me and I think we all learned a lot in the process. I'm not religious so I have no fears of some after life overlord still hanging over me. I'm good. And if there is something else out there...well I'm screwed anyway and I'm not going to live a life full of guilt. So just because someone makes a mistake, that doesn't mean that they're out on their keister. I mean, I wouldn't want someone to hold me that high of a standard so I won't do it to someone else either.

But there comes a point in every relationship where you have to say, does this person make my life better by being in it a good portion of the time? If the answer is no, then it's time to evaluate. If you can find a way to fix it...FANTASTIC! But if you can't then why put yourself through a lifetime of torture? We only pass this way one time and I refuse to live it in misery. So perhaps my threshold for tolerance is lower than most people's now, but we teach people how to treat us and I deserve something great.

Who Said Looks Don't Matter?

2011-06-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I lost weight for myself and my children. I was unhealthy due to the excess weight and I wanted to set a better example for my kids. Those were my main goals. However, it would be a lie to say that I didn't also do it because I wanted to look better. There aren't too many people who don't want to be able to look good and feel attractive to the people they are interested in. Those who say that don't are probably lying. I only know a handful of women who are truly 100% happy in their own skin. I think that's fabulous and I hope to find that in myself before I die.

If there's one thing I've noticed since losing weight it's that looks sadly do matter. I recently read an article about overweight women earning less than overweight men. This doesn't shock me. But I have to admit that it's interesting to observe these types of things in person. I've always been a little slow to recognize when a guy was hitting on me and things of that nature, so it took me a while to notice the difference in the treatment I receive as a thin person versus when I was heavy.

But I've started to notice...a lot. I've lived here my whole life. I shop in the same places and interact with the same people on a regular basis. It's amazing how many people looked straight through me when I was heavy and jump to help me now that I've lost weight. It's not like I've changed much else. I've always tried to look my best, smell good, and I'm pretty outgoing. The difference in my treatment is very obvious and while it is flattering sometimes, it's also disturbing. It's hard to tell your children that looks don't matter when it's so obvious that they do.

I wish I had some magic solution to this issue. I want my kids to know that their value is not in how they look, but who they are. But at the same time, I know I think about how I present myself to the world and I know that I take advantage of the benefits that my new appearance brings me. People can say that looks don't matter...but they do, and I'm just not sure how I feel about that.

The Meat Market

2011-05-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

Interesting title given my vegetarian lifestyle no? Well I'm speaking of the dating scene...not an actual meat market. I was in a bit of a funk last night and a friend suggested we go dancing...so we went! We had a blast, but the bar scene is such a funny place to be. It's fascinating to watch men and women interact in such an unnatural environment. I've known people who have met in bars and been very happy, but they're rare. I mean, in what world does it make sense to try to start a relationship in a dark crowded room where you have to scream at each other and chances are you are heavily intoxicated?

Though are you any more likely to meet someone in a more normal setting that is a better fit. I've heard two very funny dating stories in the past few days from people who met their date in a much better situation and still ended up left with that WTF feeling! It's amazing that people ever end up finding someone to settle down with. Then once they do....well that's a whole different post.

I do want that one person to be with forever and so I keep going. But I'm starting to understand the wisdom of a couple of my male friends who suggest that it's all so unnatural and that's why we have so much trouble. If nothing else, there are a lot of funny stories to come out of the process.

30 Day Shred

2011-05-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

You may have heard of the 30 Day Shred workout DVD, but if you haven't you've likely heard Jillian Michaels who is the trainer in the video. I purchased this DVD well over a year ago when I was at least forty pounds heavier than I am now. I made it through about five minutes of the workout before I was ready to die the first time I tried to do it. I never pulled it out again.

Now almost sixty pounds lighter I've put it back in the DVD player. I friend of mine posted on Facebook looking for someone to do it with her to keep her motivated. She'd done it a while back with great results and wanted to try it again. Since I knew there was no way I'd do it without someone holding me accountable so I agreed as did a few other ladies.

I meant to start writing about it on day one, but kept forgetting. So, now it is day three and I promise that without these other women pushing me to check in every day there is NO way I would have done it after the first day. But it's day three and while every inch of my body is sore I plan to keep going.

I really hope it's worth it!

He's Dead

2011-05-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

Instead of being sound asleep like I should be given how nuts my day will be tomorrow I sit awake waiting to hear from the President about the death of Bin Laden.

This isn't something I ever thought I'd hear. I mean, I assumed he'd die, but I suspected it would be from illness or age, not that we'd actually kill him. But it has happened. And I feel kind of weird about it all.

I remember the events of 9/11 like it happened yesterday. I was awake with my first son and for weeks to follow I watched everything I could about the event. I obsessed about it. I wondered what it would be for the beautiful little baby in my arms that might have to live in terror like children in other countries. It terrified me.

So now what? His death doesn't change the fact that many people hate our country and still want to carry on his mission. But do I feel a little safer? Maybe. People who follow men like Bin Laden quite often do not have the ability to carry on the mission when the figurehead of that mission is gone. It's why men like Bin Laden, Saddam and Hitler end up with followers...they have the ability to brainwash people who are already on the border of mental stability. But then when the brainwasher is gone they go looking for something else and abandon the mission of the person they were following. I could be wrong though. There could be unbelievable backlash that makes us wish he'd never been killed. I suspect the former though.

I have some mixed emotions though. I believe this man deserved to die and die in a most horrible manner. I'm glad that the families of the victims have this closure. But I'm a pacifist and I don't relish violence of any kind. So part of me feels just a little sick for being really really happy this man is dead and hoping he suffered.

Oh and I still like the President. He pretty much rocks.

It's All About Me?!

2011-04-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

This is a subject I've been thinking about for about a week now and I felt the need to write about it. Last weeks topic at Weight Watchers was about making yourself a priority during your weight loss journey. Our leader asked us how we accomplish this and how we are able to give ourselves permission to carve out the time to attend meetings and spend the money on the program. I suppose that there are some people out there who think that it's absurd not to do things like that for yourself, but I think most women struggle with this at some point in their lives. Men may as well, but I can only speak from my perspective.

Women, especially mothers, are sort of trained (or perhaps even born) with the desire to take care of everyone else in our lives and put our own needs aside. I've been in this position myself for much of my life. At the end of our meeting I thought every woman in the room was feeling the way I do about this subject, but our leader went around the room asking us all to say "It's all about me!" The idea, of course, was to sort of empower us to make ourselves a priority in our own lives. She even used the analogy of putting on the oxygen mask on a plane before assisting others. But to my shock (and I believe hers as well) two women refused to say it. Instead they said their family was first.

Then this evening another friend posted a quote from a woman who was commenting on the idea of the "hot mom" trend going on right now and how women need to give their children role models and not supermodels. That from conception they needed to put the needs of their child ahead of their desire to look good. Now, I know my friend was posting it as sort of food for thought...and it did get me thinking.

My children mean more to me than anything else on this planet. I would do anything to make their live as wonderful as possible. If I have extra money, it gets spent on something for them before something for myself every time. When they were babies and toddlers their needs were all I thought about and I let myself go as a result. I felt guilty even considering doing things for myself and I neglected my health, my appearance and my own interests and needs.

I'm not sure if it's the fact that because I now share custody of them with my ex-husband and so I have more free time than some parents or what, but the reality that one day they will not need me to the extent they do now has hit home. Between that and the way I felt with all of the extra weight has really made me question to what extent our neglect of ourselves is impacting our children. The saying "if mama ain't happy..." really is true! If you wake up feeling miserable, fat and frumpy are you the best mother you can be for your children? There is a line between being a supermodel and just feeling good about ourselves.

When I was overweight I was not as good of a mother as I am now. I couldn't play with them the way I can now, I could read to them without feeling out of breath and I was always so worn out on field trips. I had no confidence so I didn't like to volunteer to help with things at school or take them to activities. I don't have any of those issues now. By taking the time each week for myself to attend these meetings and lose the weight I have improved my life and the lives of my kids.

As for the "hot mom" trend....well that's sort of subjective. I do know that there are women who focus so much on their own lives and appearance that they neglect their children or rely on someone else to raise them. This isn't good for the kids. But "hot" is different for everyone. If you are a mom and you feel like you look good then you can be the "hot mom". It doesn't mean you have to get manicures and wear tons of makeup. You get to decide where you feel good, but the point is, you have to feel good! Mothers do the hardest job in the world, don't you think you owe yourself an hour or two a week to do things that are just for you and make you feel good? Don't you deserve a bit of the money for healthy food and maybe some new clothes that make you feel sexy?

You are the only person who can control your happiness and if you are happy then those in your life will be happier as well. No one else is going to do this for you. It really is ALL ABOUT YOU!

I'm a Hopeless Romantic....Really!

2011-03-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

I've always considered myself a hopeless romantic. I love cheesy movies where the lovers end up together and live happily ever after. I love reading about engagements and weddings and hearing about how people found true love. My favorite book and movie is Gone With the Wind and while I suppose some wouldn't consider that a movie with a lovey dovey ending; Rhett's love for Scarlett is so strong that it just gets to me every time I watch the movie. My second favorite book is Jane Eyre and my second favorite move is Love Actually...so you're catching the theme here.

However, I've started to notice that whenever I'm in a situation where I'm talking to a friend about their relationship and it isn't going well I'm always on the side of "dump the jerk". It happened to me again today and it made me think about my position on love. Then I came home to read an engagement story that made me want to tell the bride to be that I had done the same thing she did and ended up divorced so maybe she should think it through. So is it possible that I'm not as much of a romantic as I think?

Nah! Despite one of my friends best efforts to convince me that dating is pointless and monogamy is a sham, I still believe in it. But, my instinct to tell friends to get out of relationships that aren't working comes from being in relationships that didn't work and watching other people waste their lives being miserable just to keep from rocking the boat or disrupting other people's lives. I'm realistic, I know that you cannot get everything you need in life from one person. I also know that relationships take a lot of work and they have their bad moments. But, if you sit down with a piece of paper and list the bad and the good and the good side is a whole lot smaller and really only has things on it that you could do for yourself, then is it worth hanging in? I'm an advocate of counseling and trying to work things out for sure, but how long do you do that? I believe that the person you're with should mostly make your life better by being in it and that you would be the same type of person for them. If that isn't the case, then it's not right.

I don't know if there is that one person for all of us, or if we really aren't supposed to be monogamous. I'm not religious so I'm not worried about the fire and brimstone implications of it all. I just know that we pass this way once and we deserve to live a good life. If we are miserable then those around us will eventually be as well and that doesn't help the world at all.

So I still think I'm a hopeless romantic and I do believe in the fairytale endings. But I also believe that everyone's fairytale is a little different and we have to find what works for us. I still believe that there is a man out there who will love me the way that Rhett loved Scarlett. I just hope I'm not to stupid to notice.

P.S. - I HATED The Notebook....think what you will ;)

Lifetime!!

2011-03-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been nearly a month since I wrote here. I'm very sorry to all five of my readers ;)

Today was a big deal for me. I made Lifetime status at Weight Watchers!!!!!! If you are not familiar with that term what it means is that I have stayed within two pounds of my goal weight for six weeks. It also means you no longer have to pay to attend meetings as long as you keep maintaining. A lot of us (myself included) look forward to no longer paying to attend meetings, especially if we've been at it a while. But we'd be lying if we didn't also admit that it is a huge accomplishment that not a lot of people achieve or stay at. That doesn't mean Weight Watchers is ineffective at getting people to that point. It just means that it's hard!

A lot of people who come to WW have been there before and gained some or all of their weight back. Some make it to goal but can't maintain it and while they're still Lifetime members, they have to resume paying until they get back on track. I think it's an aptly named designation because WW is not a diet. It's something you do for a Lifetime! It's also something that a lot of people realize they cannot do on their own no matter how well they know the program. A member in the meeting I attended today had just got back to not having to pay again. She mentioned how she believed she could do it without support and without really following the things she'd been taught and the weight began to creep back on.

I think some people just starting out or who are considering joining might not like the idea of always needing to be in the meetings or following the plan. I guess I understand that. I certainly don't love tracking and there are other things I could do with the time I spend in the meetings. But, the truth is, those meetings have helped me so much and the friendships I've made there are invaluable to me and I know myself and I know I won't keep the weight off if I don't have the accountability. I think the majority of people who need WW are food addicts and we have to eat so there is no getting away from it. You wouldn't tell a drug addict or an alcoholic to quit getting support, so getting support for this is not a bad thing and it's something we should look at as a gift to ourselves.

Thursday is Going to Be Rough!

2011-03-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

It's a darn good thing that my weight has already been submitted for this month to keep me in my job because this has been one rough week of eating. It was my birthday so I did splurge a little, but I didn't eat anything crazy. To be honest, I've eaten really well this week, but I've just eaten a ton of food and I know I'm up in weight! It will be OK though. That's the best thing about Weight Watchers, you just go back to doing what you know you need to do and it all turns out fine!

My main goal right now when it comes to the weight loss is to get off of diet soda! I told myself I would wait until I was at goal to stop drinking it. I wanted to tackle one thing at a time. Well, now I'm at goal and still want to lose about fifteen more pounds and I know if I quit drinking the diet soda and switch to water I'll get there. I've also noticed that when I drink caffeine I get heart palpitations so I know it is really time to quit. But, I know it's going to suck so I'm dreading it!

Also I realized the other day that it has been a year since I became a vegetarian! It's been a year of trying a lot of new things that's for sure! It's also been a lot of adjustment when it comes to eating out or traveling very far from home. I'm still not as adventurous as I'd like, but I've come to love a fair number of new things. We learned at Thanksgiving that we love Tofurky in this house. I find eating out to be really challenging though and that sort of surprises me. I expected chain restaurants to be easy and local places to be difficult. I found it to be quite the opposite! Some chains don't even have anything that you can remove the meat from and still have an edible meal! I don't expect restaurants to cater to my diet, but I'm sort of shocked that there isn't at least one non-salad vegetarian option. In fact, most of the salads are covered in meat. I took my first trip a few hours away from home a few weeks back (I don't travel much) and didn't take a lot of food with me. Trying to find a quick place to stop where I knew I would be able to eat was a challenge. But, I'm learning and it's getting easier.

Birthday and Updates

2011-03-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's been forever since I've written! So sorry about that! A lot has been going on, most of it boring, so I'll spare you the details.

This Friday was my 32st birthday and it was a great day. The boys were with their dad that morning, but my youngest called to sing to me and they both gave me huge hugs when they got of the bus that afternoon and presented me with the presents that they picked out (with the help of dad and step-mom, which I find very nice). They gave me a gift card to Books-A-Million and a Glee CD! Both were perfect gifts and came with very nice cards as well. My mom gave me the mud-flap girl necklace I've been on the verge of buying for months and I love it!! We went to see Rango since it came out on my birthday and I have to admit that I was less than impressed. It was cute, but not nearly as good as I'd hoped.

Saturday I worked my first meeting as an actual receptionist and it went pretty well I think. I've been able to do several meetings recently as a substitute so I feel a bit more confidant. I'm still afraid of enrolling new members because I haven't done any to speak of. I hope I get some practice soon though. So far, I love the job! It's fun to see people get excited and motivated by their success and it's even good when you think you might have said the right thing to get someone not to beat themself up for a gain. I will say it is pretty nerve-wracking now when I get on the scale. I'm so worried about going over goal now that my job is on the line, but it really makes me think about what I'm eating.

I'm still insanely behind with school work and really hope I can get caught up this week since I have very little going on. Hopefully I'll find more time to post here as well.

GOAL!!!!!!

2011-02-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

You need to shout that like those world cup soccer announcers shout it! Because that's how it was in my head! I MADE GOAL!!!!!!

Today was my first day of training for Weight Watchers and I was training in the meeting I normally attend so I didn't get to weigh in until the end of the training. I was pretty nervous because it was going to be my first weigh in as an employee and so I knew my number was a much bigger deal. I have been insanely hungry this week. I'm pretty sure my thyroid medication is off and when it gets off then I can get super hungry and eat everything near me. That's pretty much what I did this week. I tried very hard to pick free foods to keep the damage down but I ate.

So, getting up on that scale today I was expecting about a pound gain and instead I lost 1.4! That means I'm actually .4 less than goal! I can't tell you how excited I was! My leader asked me how I was going to reward myself and I hadn't really decided because I was expecting that gain. So, I promptly went out and bought myself the beige heels I've been coveting forever. So, as of today I have lost 55 pounds!

Interestingly enough today was also the Oprah interview with Jennifer Hudson who is the spokesperson for Weight Watchers. I found it so interesting that she said she still has it in her head that she is the old weight. I experienced the same thing (and still experience) of thinking that I am still over 200 pounds and not able to wear the cute clothes that I see in the stores. It really is something that takes a while to get used to and I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in that feeling.

So, if anyone out there who has been thinking about changing their life, don't put it off any more! You deserve it!!

Fabulous Weekend

2011-02-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

My ex and I have decided to each have one full weekend a month with the boys. We usually split the weekend up so we both have time with them, but we thought one full weekend each month would allow us to do a lot more with them once in a while. This was our first month and this weekend was my full weekend! We had a BLAST!

Friday evening we visited our favorite thrift store and picked up a few good buys. Then we had dinner at our favorite restaurant. Saturday we went to Home Depot for their kid's clinic and the boys made heart shaped shelves. Then we went to our local children's museum and they had a ton of fun exploring everything there. After lunch we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping at the other thrift stores in town. We got some other really great bargains including a scary looking monkey puppet and a brand new popcorn popper!

Today was by far the most fun of all. A few months back I went roller skating again for the first time in about fifteen years. The rink had changed so much since I went there but I remembered how much I enjoyed it and I thought it would be fun to take the boys. I wasn't sure how they would feel about it but we went today and it was the most fun I've seen them have in a long time. Despite the fact that they spent a large portion of their time there on the ground and a few tears were shed, they had so much fun and wanted to stay the entire time they were open. As soon as we left they were asking when we could go back again and my oldest even let me take pictures of him (which he never does)!

I start training for my job at WW this week and so I'm going to have to miss a few of their events from time to time. I don't like it when I can't be there for something they're doing, but weekends like this let me know that they'll have plenty of good memories!

Oprah's Vegan Challenge

2011-02-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

I have to give credit where credit is due and I think a lot is due from this show. Though I'm not vegan, I do read a lot of vegan sites, blogs and materials and my dairy is very limited. I thought this was a great experiment and I was glad that so many Oprah staffers gave it a try. Go vegan for one week.

So let's get to the credit. Oprah gets a lot here. For starters the fact that she will even mention meat on her show after being sued by the cattle ranchers in Texas all those years ago means she deserves a ton of credit. Even with all of her money and influence I know that was a tough time for her and I'm sure she's in no hurry to repeat it. She does choose her words and her guests carefully, but just taking on the issue is impressive. She also deserves credit for making sure her staff had access to the food they would need for the week at the studio cafeteria. I also think it's great that she agreed to continue serving vegan options at the studio as well as going with Meatless Monday. Kudos to Oprah.

Michael Pollan. Let me just make it very clear that I have a huge crush on him and I think he's awesome. He is not a vegetarian or a vegan but he is a "food rockstar" as Oprah called him. More kudos to Oprah for having him on since he isn't vegan or even vegetarian and that was the premise of the show. A lot of vegans are unhappy with him because he tried to "push meat". I didn't feel that way at all, in fact, I didn't feel like he had enough time to talk. The truth is, American's are NOT going to give up eating meat no matter how many shows Oprah does on the subject. So Pollan is right when he says that we need to revamp the current system not turn our backs on it. There are still farms out there who treat their animals with respect, feed them the things they were made to eat, and kill them humanely. We need to encourage and support these farmers. If American's are going to eat meat, these are the people they should be getting it from, not factory farms. He also gets a lot of credit for not losing his shit on the Cargill lady because I'm betting he wanted to.

Cargill...yeah I'll give them credit. But only a little. First, they came on a show about veganism so that was brave to begin with. Second, they let cameras into the slaughterhouse. Now I feel that this was largely due to the fact that they use the system designed by Temple Grandin so they know that their method is not as traumatic for the public. They agreed when no one else did so I'll give them credit for that. I'll also give them credit for using Grandin's system which is a lot better than other systems. However, I can't ignore the fact that these animals still likely lived in horrible conditions before they made it there and were fed things they have no business eating. Not to mention all the things they were injected with to keep them healthy until their death. And, they didn't know the "knocker" doing his job or mention that if he didn't do it properly then the cow goes on to have his throat slit while still awake. But Cargill came, so I'll give them credit.

Kathy Freston. She was kind of annoying, but she has a pretty face so she's a good face for the vegan lifestyle. She did mention that slaughterhouses for chickens, fish and pork are not designed by Grandin which I thought was very important. She did a pretty good job of helping the staffers through the week and gave them alternatives to what they normally eat that were meatless.

McDonald's and Temple Grandin. I hate McDonald's and I feel like they are primarily to blame for the factory farm system that we have today. Not just with meat, but with other products as well. But, they're not going anywhere. So, I give them credit for going to Grandin and having her design a more humane way to slaughter the cows for their hamburgers. It's a small step in the right direction, but it is a step and so I'll give them some credit for that. The more we demand from McDonald's the more they will be forced to change. Temple Grandin is just plain awesome. If we're going to have factory farms and slaughterhouses them I'm glad she is around to share her animal expertise and her knowledge of how she feels as an autistic person to design systems to make these animals more comfortable in their last moments. The video from Cargill showed that her system really does make the animals calmer.

Overall I think that this show put a lot of light on our food system and the benefits of going meatless even once a week. I think it was a huge win for animals!

How Do You Know?

2011-02-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

There's a movie out now called "How Do You Know?" I haven't seen it, but I gather that the premise of the movie is how do you know if the person you're with is The One. So, how do you know?

I fell in love with my ex-husband the moment I laid eyes on him the first time. I was only 14 but I told my mother I would marry him one day and I did five years later. We dated from the time I was 16 until we married when I was 19. Sure, I was young, but I had no doubts about marrying him. We've been divorced for a long time now and while sometimes it's hard to remember that I once was in love with him, I know that I did love him and I still love him, just in a very different way. I can honestly say that I believed I "knew" he was The One...and apparently he wasn't.

But even though he wasn't someone that I found myself wanting to be with for the rest of my life, I still cherish the time we spent together and wouldn't change it even if I could. So, since something I was so sure about didn't work out the way I had expected I often wonder if you ever really know, or if it's just a crap shoot.

I had a joking discussion with a friend of mine this evening about being married the next time I saw him. He asked me if I could get married in such a short amount of time (I'll likely see him again in April) and I told him I thought I could. I worked with a man for a while who married his wife after dating for only six weeks. Then this evening a show came on where the couple had only known each other for three weeks before getting married.

Do they know any more than I did after years of dating my ex? Their marriages are still together (as far as I know) and mine is not. Can you over think a decision like marriage? How long do you have to know someone before you know it's right?

Sometimes I wonder if trusting your gut is better than trusting your brain.

My Big News!

2011-01-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

So I can't keep a secret about myself worth a darn! If you're friends with me on Facebook then you already know this, but I got a job as a receptionist with Weight Watchers!!!!! I am being hired a little early as I have not yet reached my goal weight but I have six months to take the remaining weight off and now I have tons of motivation to do so because this job has been a dream for a while now. I will start as a receptionist and once I have reached lifetime membership we may discuss going into a meeting leader role!

I mentioned at the beginning of the new year that I had some goals for 2011 but that I didn't want to share them until they happened so that people weren't asking me why I hadn't accomplished them. Well, working for WW was a goal for 2011 and achieving that within the first month of the new year has me pretty energized for what the rest of the year may hold!

Now, I'm a broke college student right now so any money coming in will be nice, but I'm not going to get rich with WW. But, I believe in this program so much that I'd do this even if they weren't going to pay me. When I was asked why I want to work for WW I had more answers than she probably needed. There is no limit to the good things I can say about this program and how I feel now. Part of working for them is keeping myself accountable. If I have to keep myself at a healthy weight to stay employed, then there is a lot of motivation to stay on track. But way more important that that is that I want to get others to where I am! I want others to see how much better they will feel and how much they can do that they probably never thought they could. If someone suggested a year ago that I'd be running now, I'd have asked them what was chasing me. I had resigned myself to being overweight and had so many excuses for staying that way that I never would have guessed I'd be over 50 pounds lighter and working for the company who helped me get there.

So, if you're thinking at all about this program please let me know! Ask me questions, come to a meeting with me! I want everyone to be as happy with themselves as I am now!

Modern Fairy Tales

2011-01-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

"Do modern day singles need modern day myths?" If you're a super-fan of Sex and the City then you probably recognize this quote from Carrie Bradshaw. I am a mega-fan of the show! Oddly enough the very first time I saw an episode I hated it and refused to watch another. But then I happened to catch a few more and now to say that I'm a SATC addict is sort of an understatement. I have the entire series and have watched it more times that I can count and own both movies. I want to be Carrie Bradshaw...no joke. And yes, I know how pathetic that sounds...I don't care.

The movie was on TV last night and despite the fact that they had to cut out all of the good parts like Gilles Marini totally naked, I still had to watch it. Two parts of the movie (and yes this will spoil it if you haven't seen it, so be warned and stop reading if you care) made me think of my opening quote. The first scene that got me thinking was when Steve and Miranda meet on the Brooklyn Bridge after spending time apart deciding if they want to work on their marriage. Miranda had checked out of the marriage and devoted too much time to work and Steve had an affair. Their therapist suggest they pick a place to meet and if they both show up then the past has been put behind them and they'll start over. Of course, when that day comes, they both show up. There are tears, hugs and kisses. It's a great moment for a romantic like me. But is it just a modern fairy tale? If this wasn't a scene in a movie would they have both shown up, or would one of them be standing on the bridge alone?

The second scene, or scenes in this case, is everything from Carrie going to her computer to find all of the love letters Big has been writing to her until the very end of the movie. Every single thing about this part of the movie made me jump up and down. Even though self-respecting women should really hate Big and think Carrie a spineless moron to keep going back to him, many of us love them and so this was the happy ending we all wanted. But outside of a movie? Would any man write e-mails like that? Would any man go back to the house at the 11th hour to rescue the shoes? Would the woman run back into his arms and would he really have proposed again? Would any man whisper part of a poem in her ear or call her girlfriends? Even though nothing about this movie is the typical fairy tale we were told as children, isn't it just a modern day fairy tale?

So we're older now and Cinderella and Rapunzel have moved out of our lives (unless we have children to relive them with), so do we need fairy tales for our modern adult lives? I know it's a movie and I know it's just supposed to be entertaining. But does it serve some purpose for hopeless romantics like myself? Do I need to believe that the Mr. Big's of the world exist and can change into happy husbands? Do I need to believe that two people could go through something really awful and come out happy on the other side? This is my modern day fairy tale, and I know fairy tales don't come true.

But yeah, I still need to believe.

Stuff from the Weekend

2011-01-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

This was not one of my better weekends. I didn't have the boys on Friday night or at all on Saturday like I normally do, so I was really missing them this morning when it was time to come home. Then they didn't want to come home :( Parenting is hard, but parenting after a divorce is twice as hard. My ex is truly a great guy and even though we fight sometimes and don't always agree on things, I could have it a whole lot worse...and so could he (he might even admit that). I am very fortunate that he wants to have a very active role in their lives. I am thankful for that since I know so many women who don't have that for their kids. Heck, my own father is a total deadbeat. But things can get complicated when both of us want to be with them all the time, and that clearly can't happen.

So we're in this position now where they are old enough to give their input, but not old enough to totally make the decisions about everything. Well, I don't think they're old enough, but I suspect my ex does. So it's a fine balance of trying to be fair to each other and the children and today was just frustrating. There's also something going on with my oldest and how he's feeling about me right now and I can't get him to really tell me what's going on so that's complicating things even more. If anyone said parenting is easy, then they've clearly never tried. It's amazing how two little people can make me question my every thought and action! I wouldn't change a thing though, truly I wouldn't.

Something very good did happen this weekend though, I got a new Kindle!!!! I had a Kindle that was given to me by a very good (and very generous) friend after he upgraded to an iPad and learned I wanted a Kindle. I wasn't sure how much I would use it, but I love technology and it did not disappoint. Especially when I learned that many of the novels I have to read for school are free (I guess because they're so old). It was saving me a ton of money on books each semester. But clumsy me, I plugged it in the other day and had it sitting on my desk to charge where I forgot about it and then rolled my chair over the cord. Let's just say that the outcome was not pretty!

I felt like crap of course, and wouldn't you know, the giver of said Kindle happened to text me at that exact moment to ask me if anything exciting was happening. He should know better than to ask me something like that! It seems like I always have some drama going on. Anyway, this very kind friend replaced my Kindle! Now I have a shiny new one which my youngest son is enjoying as I type this. I'm not exactly sure how many times I can thank him before he tells me to shut up, but I figure I'll go a few more past that ;) I love, love, love it! It's so nice to have the ability to put most of the books I need for school on it and take them with me wherever I go. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE paper books and will always live in a house that looks like a library threw up in it. But, the Kindle is a very helpful addition to my world!

So, when you read this...Thank You!!!!

Today Was a Good Day!

2011-01-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

I've been complaining and feeling low a lot lately, so I figure I should update you when I'm feeling good too! I did get my butt to Weight Watchers and since my scale at home is broken (it says my 8-year-old weighs 245 pounds) I had no idea what to expect. I got up there and the receptionist asked me how I thought I did and I told her I had no clue. I lost 2.4 pounds! I just about fell off the scale! Honestly though, I haven't been that bad when it comes to tracking and my food choices. I've also been working out like a lunatic, so I hoped it would show up. But since I hadn't been totally on program and things had been going downhill, I expected they would continue. The loss was a pleasant surprise, especially the amount!

I confessed to the meeting room that I had planned to skip the meeting and my leader made a good point. Would I let my kids drop out of sports just because they weren't winning? No, I wouldn't, so why drop out of something that is good for me when it isn't going perfect? I felt great when I left the meeting and even though I didn't get to have lunch with my girls, it was a really great afternoon. I even stopped at Costco and refilled my supply of bananas and lettuce. Have to be prepared! So, now I'm back to about 8 pounds from my goal weight with a renewed desire to get there.

To round out my good day, I went to see my kids run at an indoor track meet. They seemed to have more fun than they usually do (though they always enjoy them) and participated in a few extra races. As weird as this might sound, it feels so much better going to their track meets now that I've lost weight. I always felt so out of place at them when I was heavy. It felt like I was saying "do as I say, not as I do" to my kids. Of course, I guess I was. Now, if I really wanted to, I might be able to do a few of those races myself.

I'm a Poor Role Model

2011-01-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've had quite a few people contact me to ask my about Weight Watchers over the past few days. I love to tell people about the program because I believe in it so much and I know it can help so many people.

But I feel like a terrible role model right now. I've gained 5-6 pounds since Christmas and just can't get myself back in the groove for some reason. It has nothing at all to do with the program, it's just me. I know I have to get myself back on track though or that 5-6 pounds is going to have 45 more friends show up. I can't have that! I feel too good and frankly I can't afford new clothes!

I e-mailed my mother just a little bit ago to tell her I was planning to skip my meeting tomorrow. I've never intentionally missed a meeting since I joined in October 2009. But I'm so frazzled and so down on myself right now that I fear seeing another gain (and I've already weighed myself here, so I know I gained). Part of me thinks I might just have a total breakdown if I see more weight creeping on.

But I've already changed my mind. If I've learned anything in the past year it's that if I don't go to the meeting, then I will fall of the wagon even more. I will skip another meeting and quit tracking and then all of my weight will come back. So, while I may be a poor role model for all of those people asking me about the program...I'm going to my meeting tomorrow. I'm going to face the music and see what the damage is. I'm going to go to Subway and have a healthy lunch with my friends, solve the problems of the world (as we always do) and then hoist myself back up on the wagon!

Wait...maybe I'm not such a bad role model after all!

One Of Those Days

2011-01-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

Today has been "one of those days" in the world of my anxiety. From the outside it should have been a perfect day and it's one of those days someone described to me as my "guilty days". If you don't have issues with anxiety then you may not understand the feeling, but it's the guilt you feel when you should be having a good time, but just can't because of all that is on your mind as a "what if". That was today.

I had my boys with me overnight and so I didn't have to worry about them traveling anywhere in the bad weather we had. We had a great day with minimal disagreements. At dinner they even said it was a great day. Nothing better than having your kids say they had a great day right? Don't get me wrong...it really is wonderful and the feeling isn't lost on me. But with it comes all the other mess in my head!

I won't go into all the messy details, because they will quite honestly make me sound totally insane. But, even though it is insane, it's still there and I can't make it go away. And...it REALLY sucks! I have to wonder if the majority of the things in my life were settled and not sources of stress, if things would get better surrounding my fears about the boys. I doubt it though because I honestly don't remember a time since having them where I haven't felt this way and things haven't always been this stressful.

So, I'll just keep talking myself down from the ledge like I always do and try to do better on Friday when they're with me all day again.

P.S. - I felt the need for a little clarification after reading this over. I in no way, shape, or form want to hurt myself. The "ledge" is proverbial. I'm not, nor have I ever been, suicidal. Anxiety sucks, but it is manageable, and I'm doing quite well if I do say so myself. I do my very best every day to be sure that my kids experience so many things that I myself am afraid to do so that they do not share my fears when they grow up. I don't mind showing the normal amounts of motherly worry to my children, because they do need to learn to keep themselves safe. The extra stuff I keep in my own head.

I've received several e-mails about my first post on anxiety and I know that a lot of mothers have the same issues I do. We're not crazy and we're still good parents. We just got an extra dose of the worry gene!

When People Are Awesome

2011-01-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

I complain about people a lot. I dislike a lot of people, so that's probably why. People are mean to each other, they do stupid things and are tedious to deal with. Except when they're not. When I take the time to notice, some people are really awesome and do really awesome things. Generally this happens when things are going really poorly for me and someone does something that reminds me that people do not always suck and I have some really awesome friends.

I was lamenting the fact that my poor choices in life have put me in a position that prevents me from doing something that should be simple, and how upset with myself I am about that. Some friends offered to help me make it happen. People are awesome!

Then remember that friend I mentioned who made me feel like I suck the other day? Well, he really is one of my best friends and I knew he didn't mean to make me feel as bad as I did. And of course, I went the passive-aggressive route and posted it on here instead of telling him. But I was upset and didn't want to make things worse. Well he did something beyond awesome for me tonight and I keep crying every time I think about it. Something I can never repay it's so awesome. Of course, now I feel like a jerk for saying he upset me but...

So sometimes people are really amazing. In fact, more often than not people are pretty good and I need to remember that. I especially need to remember it when thinking about my friends because they're some of the best people in the world!

Control Freak

2011-01-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

I'm a control freak. Admitting it is half the battle right? I've always know this about myself though. I don't function very well when I'm not in control of the things in my life. I know a lot of this is due to my anxiety. When I can control what is going on, then I feel a lot less anxious. The problem is, there are a lot of other control freaks in my life as well. You can imagine how well things go when a bunch of control freaks get together. It isn't pretty.

I've been feeling mostly out of control lately. Nothing seems to be going the way it should and it's making my anxiety skyrocket. After spending most of the day feeling depressed and lost I made a decision that I hope I can stick with because I really think it will help. I have to stop trying to control every situation in my life. I have to focus on the most important things and leave some things open to turning out how they will turn out. I also need to take one thing at a time. Quite often I get bogged down by all of the things that aren't going well or need to be done, and forget that I can really only do one thing at a time.

I'm going to start with the one thing I have the most immediate control of...my weight. I've not been doing very well since before Christmas and have gained some of the weight I lost back. I don't feel good and I'm not happy with myself for losing my focus. I should have been at my goal weight a long time ago now and it makes me a little mad at myself for being even farther away than I was. Getting to my goal will accomplish several other things that I've been stressing about lately and feeling unable to control. So I need to do this...for my sanity. Hopefully the rest of things will fall into place on their own or I'll find some way of making peace with them. I've just got to let go a little though.

Yeah, I Suck

2011-01-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

I normally have my boys for most of the day on Saturday, but today they left in the morning to go with their dad for the whole weekend. I prefer having them of course, but it gave me the opportunity to get a lot of stuff done. I was able to clean the house, find a more permanent place for our new critters in the house, go for a run and catch up on the TV shows I'd fallen behind on. I also did all of the laundry in the house, made a really awesome dinner for myself and baked some WW friendly cookies.

Overall it was a good day don't you think? On the outside it was a good day. But, I also wrote an uncomfortable e-mail which made me feel a little down. I didn't get any homework done like I'd hoped, ate a little too much of my awesome dinner and cookies, and failed to write any of the thank you notes I've been putting of writing in my little thankfulness project.

I guess the things I didn't get done aren't something I should beat myself up for considering all I did do. But in a brief exchange with a friend I was told I had an "unattractive quality". My opinion of the exchange we were having and his opinion were totally different based on what he said this quality was (I'm not going to tell you or else you'll be looking for it all the time) but I decided to leave it alone. I knew it was just an observation and resisted my instinct to see if he'd like to hear about his more "unattractive qualities". Most people have trouble with criticism, even if they say they don't, and I'm no exception. It's especially unpleasant when someone uses the word "unattractive" even if they're not talking about your looks. Say that word to a former fat girl who has had issues with her appearance her whole life and all she thinks about is her looks. Doesn't matter what your real goal was anymore.

So of course I got to thinking about all of my bad qualities and what I didn't get done today that I should have because of these qualities. So, yeah, I suck. Big deal. My kids are safe and healthy. Hopefully I'll see another day tomorrow where I will have another chance...oh and I wrote a bunch of thank you cards after all.

New Family!

2011-01-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

I should never ever walk into our SPCA...EVER! But, my mom works there and from time to time I just have to stop by and look. I can't have a cat or dog in my apartment, but caged animals are OK and my landlord loves me and knows I'm responsible. We had lizard for a while and he died. After that I said only fuzzy pets. So we bought a guinea pig whose name is Max and he's awesome!

Then two years ago, just days before Christmas, we went to visit and they had a lovebird. I have always been a bird lover, but could never really afford the larger birds. She had been there a while and the employees were tired of hearing her squawk so they were very happy when I took her home. Her name is Tweety and we thought she was a boy when we got her...but then she laid an egg. She is loud and obnoxious, but I love her and as soon as she sees me, she tries to get as close to me as she can. I can't hold her yet, but I'm working on it.

And today the boys and I went in and they still had almost all of the gerbils that they'd had the last time I visited. They mom was brought in because she had been bought with another gerbil who was supposed to have been a girl, but turns out, it was a boy and she got pregnant. So, a bunch of gerbil babies were born at the shelter. We took the mom home with us and named her Mum and one of her daughters who we named Coal. Aren't they beautiful!

The Biggest Loser

2011-01-13T20:31:00.000-08:00

I've been a fan of The Biggest Loser since it first went on the air. When the show began I could have been one of the early contestants. I was obese, and though I was smaller than a good many of the contestants, I still may have qualified...for the early shows.

Over the past few seasons the show has gotten longer and it's harder for me to find the time to watch it, but I usually catch the first few episodes of a season and then the finale. Say whatever you want to about this show, but it's a look into our lives. Yes, we could all lose weight if we went to a ranch and had personal trainers, worked out twelve hours a day, and had a well stocked kitchen at our disposal. Is it totally healthy...well I'm not a doctor so I'm not going to say yes or no. But what I do know is that without this show, some of these people would be dead already.

It's not secret that Americans are really fat. Go outside and look around and you're going to see it. One in three children born after the year 2000 (which both of my children were) will develop diabetes. One in four young people are too heavy to join the army. If you've kept up with The Biggest Loser then every season after the first you have heard Bob Harper say "he/she is the heaviest contestant in the history of the show". Every season! That means with each successive season they are finding heavier and heavier people. We're not catching on! The current "winner" of this label is a 5'8" man who weighs over 500 pounds and had already lost over 100 pounds before coming to the show. He came on with his father who weighs nearly 300 pounds. He needs to lose his father's current weight to be healthy. The heaviest woman had already lost over 100 pounds before coming to the show.

I cannot imagine how daunting that is. I was approximately 70 pounds overweight when I began this journey in October 2009 and I'm not yet at my goal weight. Losing 300 pounds seems impossible to me so I can only imagine what it feels like to him! It's no wonder that we are turning to bariatric surgery more and more, because the task seems insurmountable. Even though the risks are very high, I understand that the risk of staying morbidly obese is dangerous as well.

But anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that there is a reason lurking behind our inability to stop overdoing it with food. No one who is honest can look at you and say that there isn't something deep down that's causing them to hurt themselves in this way. It's no different on the show. Some of these people have horrible stories of loss, humiliation and pain. They've medicated with food which is no different than someone medicating with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

The thing that The Biggest Loser seems to do besides help people shed weight, is help people find that issue and tackle it. Once it's been dealt with these contestants are unstoppable. I know that the scenario presented on the show is next to impossible for anyone who doesn't go on the show themselves or isn't loaded. But, I think aspects of it can be duplicated. You can find a reasonable and healthy lifestyle with a program like Weight Watchers, you can begin to move your body, and you can begin to evaluate what it is that caused you to gain in the first place.

I try very hard not to judge people who choose surgery because everyone's situation is so different. I have friends who are nurses and have seen the horrible complications from these procedures so I know that this is not a "quick fix" option for those who go through it. It's like suggesting that a c-section is the easy way out in childbirth. Everyone has to choose their own path and when your life is literally on the line you have to do what you think is best. I only hope that those who choose this route have dealt with their daemons so they aren't right back in the same spot a few years down the road. Some contestants on the show (even a former winner) have gained most of all of the weight back. I could gain most or all of my weight back if I'm not careful.

This process is damn hard! It's hard no matter how much or little you have to lose. So while I wouldn't say that I advocate the extreme solutions like going on The Biggest Loser or having surgery, I understand why they're chosen. And even if you hate this show I suggest taking a long hard look at it. See if you identify with it yourself, or if you see it in those around you. We cannot continue to ignore the size we are as a country and we have to find ways to lift us all out of this and support each other to something healthier.

Arizona

2011-01-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been living in a cave you have no doubt heard about the horrible shooting in Arizona. Within minutes the news media was diving into the possible reasons for the shooting and if it was planned or random. This is pretty normal; people want answers and we rely on the media to report those answers to us. But within hours the situation had devolved into a horrible blame game.

Are the things we say important? Of course they are! Words can hurt people worse than weapons in some cases. We have entirely too many hateful people on TV these days from both sides of the political aisle and it's time to stop it. Not just because it's hurtful, but because it isn't doing us any good!

But the words coming out of the mouths of our political leaders and the news media have nothing to do with why the shooter in Arizona did what he did. From all evidence he is a mentally ill young man. These people could have said the exact opposite of what they said and it's very likely he would have done the same thing.

People are afraid of mental illness. They don't understand it, don't know how to help, and fear what it can do. All of those fears are very rational. Severe mental illness is hard to treat, unpredictable and often something that cannot be fixed. It's not easy to live in a world where we could be killed at random because someone has had a mental break. But placing blame on people who had nothing to do with this mans mental illness doesn't help anyone and it certainly doesn't bring any of those people back.

It's normal to be upset and scared and wanting answers. But the blame needs to be on the shooter and his illness. Not the right or the left or any spot in between. We can't do a lot to keep this from happening again. But what we can do is try to watch out for those around us. Be aware of mental illness and try to help those in your life who suffer from it. As someone who has experienced this first hand, I know there is a limit to that, but if you can help, give it a try. We can also try to make it harder for people with mental illness to own weapons. Aside from that, we should mourn those whose lives were lost, hope that the ones who survive recover and hope that nothing like this happens again.

Let's Clear Something Up

2011-01-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

I became a vegetarian because of my concerns over food safety. These concerns do spill over into how the animals were raised and how they were killed. I know that there are people in the world who raise their animals in wonderfully humane ways and who ensure they are killed properly. That's fantastic and I applaud them for that. Those who do that must charge a reasonable amount for their meant because it is not being factory farmed and it takes more time and effort. I have no problem with that either. People often ask why I don't eat that type of meat. Well, the main reason is that I'm a broke college student. I can't afford that meat. But, I'm also an animal lover and don't really feel like meat is that important in my life, and it's certainly not important enough to lower my standards for food safety and eat what I can afford.

This is a big issue for me. It's something I feel strongly about so I talk about it a lot. We have to eat to live and our food should be safe. I feel strongly about a lot of things, but this just happens to take center stage for me. We all have some cause that we research more than others, are more curious about, or talk about more than the rest and that's fine. It's because of that that things get changed in the world. But the insinuation has been made to me several times that I care more about animals than I do about people. That's totally absurd and highly offensive.

A person who makes the choice not to eat meat doesn't care less about people just because they happen to care about animals too. I don't suggest that people who care about other people don't care about animals too, so why would the reverse make sense? I've made a lifestyle choice and I'm not asking you to make the same one if you really don't want to. Sure, I'd be happy if everyone I know went veg, but I'll be just as happy if by sharing what I find people cut meat out of their diet for only one day a week, or consider buying their meat and eggs from someone who takes better care of the animals.

So yes, I love animals. I don't eat animals. But that has nothing to do with how I feel about people or suggest that I value animals life over human life.

Can't Get No Satisfaction

2011-01-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

Recently I was talking to a friend who didn't know me in high school and explaining to them that I graduated right after my junior year by taking the last two required classes in summer school. When the rest of the class I'd come through school with was having their senior year I was in my Freshman year of college. This didn't occur because I am exceptionally smart or anything. I did it because I'm incredibly impatient and as I'm discovering...very hard to satisfy.

When I was in high school I was ready to be in college. I wasn't totally unpopular, but I wasn't prom queen by any stretch of the imagination. I knew what I was giving up by skipping my senior year and I just didn't care enough to stick it out. Not to mention I would have had to take a bunch of study hall's or leave early and get a job...who wants that?

As I'm nearing my 31st birthday I'm realizing that this is a trend in my life. Nothing satisfies me very long. I'm always impatient to move on to something else. In some ways this is a good thing, in other ways it really sucks. It's good because when I know what I want I go after it with full force. It's really bad in almost every other way though. Sometimes going after something with all your effort backfires...especially in relationships as I have learned several times now. Relationships themselves can be hard to sustain because I'm so very specific in what I want and no one can live up to that. Those that can are usually the ones I've already scared off with the aforementioned effort to be with them.

It's very clearly why I have yet to find a career that satisfies me. I'm trying to finish a degree in English which I loved when I began and now I just find tedious. I really only love the books now and have no interest in the rest of it and want to move on to something else. Hobbies are the same way. Though with hobbies I find that I have too many of them that I enjoy and can't find the time for all of them, so I just give up...then promptly find a new one.

I'm starting to think that the best life for me would be one like the women on the Real Housewives shows. They're loaded and the people in their lives seem to indulge their every whim. I could get on board with that! But, they also seem really shallow and self-centered and I hope I'm not like that.

If you think about it, even this blog is an example of this problem. "High Maintenance Hippie? Hippies aren't high maintenance! I have tons of hippie tendencies but I'm too high maintenance in other areas to fully commit to being a hippie! I'm a mess!

Blah

2011-01-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

I don't have a whole lot to say that's positive tonight. It's amazing how you can be cruising along, feeling good, and then someone can do something to just send your good mood flying out the window. I don't understand why people whose lives are crap have to take it out on everyone around them. It's especially frustrating when the person who does it to you is a friend. I'm done with it though. After a while, you have to cut your losses. Some of the people who do this to me have to be in my life, but I don't have to let them treat me like dirt under their shoes and I can limit my interactions with them. I can also be ridiculously nice when I do have to deal with them so they feel like crap!

Hugh Hefner Is the Man!

2011-01-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

I am a HUGE fan of Hugh Hefner! Is that shocking because I'm a woman? Maybe. I don't have a desire to meet many celebrities but if I had the opportunity to meet Mr. Hefner I would jump at the chance! A visit to the Playboy mansion and I just might faint! I guess he's a strange person to admire given that he's built an empire around naked women. But that's why he's awesome. He embodies living life doing what you love. He loves beautiful women and he made a whole career out of them. Not only that but he did it in an era that was less than receptive to his material and tried very hard to get rid of him. He's always kept things classy and respectful and that's why thousands of women try to get in the magazine every year.

He recently announced his engagement and that has caused some people to say some pretty nasty things about him across the interwebz. My response to that...jealous much? This will be his third marriage. Now, if you are bothered by people getting married more than once then that's a big deal, but really for a man who does what he does for a living, three marriages seems pretty good given how many times he could have been married. He has four children, also a pretty low number of kids considering and his only daughter runs (or she did the last time I checked) the company now.

The man is getting up there in years and his girlfriends are always very young and very hot. So why are they with him? Golddiggers? The majority of men Hef's age with a regular mans income could not hope to get the women that he does. So OF COURSE his money and who he is plays a huge role in the relationships he has. He's not stupid and I'm sure he is very well aware of that fact. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care either. Given that he's only chosen to marry three of the women in his life I believe he is pretty selective. He knows the money is a factor but I believe he is pretty certain that there is genuine feeling there as well before he makes that commitment. He only just divorced his second wife last year and if you saw her interview in the E! True Hollywood story about him you know that they are still very close.

I think people assume the wrong thing about men like Hef. He has more money than he could ever spend in his lifetime and his family will always be well taken care of. He doesn't strike me as the least bit stingy from what I saw in the show he had for a season or two with his former girlfriends Holly, Kendra and Bridgett. On the contrary it seemed as though he took great joy in giving them expensive gifts and trips and just making sure that they had everything they could ever want or need. So I see no issue with his relationships. The women are there willingly and he likely knows exactly what the score is. If it makes them happy then who the hell cares?

I think Hugh Hefner is the man if it means I need to turn in my feminist card then so be it! I wasn't really using it anyway.

The Things People Believe

2011-01-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to me the things people believe and the ways that they justify the things that they do. That's true for me as well. I've talked myself in and out of things using logic that others would find nonsensical. But we're not talking about me :)

I was in my local paper today in a brief quote about drinking water and weight loss. I happened to run into someone who had read the article and we got to talking about weight loss and how it changes as you get older and how you can see the mistakes you have made and continue to make. I made a comment about something I did when I still ate meat and he said, "You really need that protein." I told him I get the protein I need in other ways and he said, "There's some protein you can't get in other ways." I stopped bothering to defend my protein intake at that point because I knew it was useless. But it made me think. This person is not overly concerned with my health. We're not close friends or anything and while I'm sure he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, he's not monitoring other aspects of my diet.

I did tell him that the only nutrient that vegans (I am not a vegan) are sometimes lacking in is B12 and that can be remedied with a supplement. He asked if I ate fish....no, fish is meat. He then said we should eat things that God made and that came from the Earth. I'm not religious, but I agree with the concept wholeheartedly. Then he said, "They ate meat in the Bible, Jesus was a fisherman, so it must be OK to eat fish" To which I replied, "When Jesus was alive our waters weren't so polluted that every fish coming out of them tests positive for mercury." He couldn't disagree with that.

These two statements about the protein and Jesus being a fisherman made me wonder if he wasn't questioning his own diet instead of mine. This wasn't the first time I've heard people make justifications for a diet with meat. So I have to wonder if a lot of people actually do feel a little bad about eating meat but enjoy it too much to give it up. To be clear, while I wish everyone would become a vegetarian deep down in my heart, I'm not a hater of people who eat meat. I want people to know where their food comes from and how safe it may or may not be and that includes non-meat items as well. In reality though, meat does taste good and I know most people will not give it up no matter what I tell them or show them. That's fine! I think all Americans could use a reduction in their intake of meat and dairy, but only because we consume far too much of it as a country. I could use a reduction in my chocolate intake though, so I'm not without sin here.

What I really want is for people to stop trying to make me believe I'm not going to be healthy if I don't eat meat when we all know that isn't true. Stop putting your feelings about it on me and if I'm making you feel bad about your food choices then either let me know, or evaluate if it really is something I'm actually doing to you, or just your own inner critic. Our goal should be safe food and good health, however we get there.

Almost Time for Classes

2011-01-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

The college I'm attending posted a Facebook status the other day reminding us that classes resume next week! Holy panic! Last semester was horrible for me. It was entirely my fault that it was horrible, but it was horrible and set me back another semester. I just didn't care. I wasted time and didn't do well in my courses. I'm already feeling anxious about this semester, but I'm determined to keep up with things this time and do better in my courses. I have three classes plus one that I received an extension for due to my slacker ways. Thank goodness I have a nice professor.

I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to these classes, but I'm really not. I love literature and I love to read, but this degree has been stretching on forever (started in 1997) and I'm just over it. I know that should make me want to finish it more...but it doesn't. The only thing I look forward to is buying the books.

So, about the books! That's the best part anyway. A very dear friend of mine gave me his Kindle when he upgraded to an iPad and that has made a huge difference in the cost of my books for classes. So many of the classics are available for free on the Kindle and it's so nice to be able to get them and take them with me everywhere so I can get more done.

The Kindle proved to be even more helpful than I expected too. My youngest is a very strong reader, but he really doesn't enjoy it that much. His brother will read anything you put near him, but he just doesn't enjoy it. He's required to read for school and that's always a bit of a struggle. Even when he's reading he gets distracted so easily and usually only finishes a chapter in the time he has to read. He had an orthodontist appointment today right after school and the drive is a little over fifteen minutes, plus the wait in the office. I bought a book for his reading level for the Kindle and gave it to him to read while we drove. I told him it would get that part of his homework done. He LOVED it! He kept reading once we got to the office even with all of the cool stuff they have there, and read all the way home too! He managed to finish three chapters! I'm buying more books for him that's for sure!

Anxiety and Kids

2011-01-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

This isn't about anxiety in children, it's about having an anxiety issue when you have children. I've struggled with extreme anxiety pretty much my whole life and having children has increased it tenfold. If you have issues with this then you know how bad it sucks and how hard it is to deal with, even with medication.

One of the biggest fears I have is something happening to my kids. That's a normal fear for any parent, but my fear exists far outside of the normal range. This creates a big problem when your children are pushing your buttons. I'm loud. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm loud. When I get mad, I get louder, so for me it's pretty much a yell. I might not even be trying to yell, but any increase in my normal tone sounds like a yell. My oldest son is starting a phase where he has a serious attitude with me all the time. It's snotty and rude and I really don't like it. So when he does it, I get louder. But this makes me feel bad. Honestly, and sort of punishment or discipline (yelling isn't all I do) makes me feel bad. I know I have to do it to keep from having horrible kids...but I hate it. Only, I think I hate it more than most people because of the anxiety. I find myself backing down and apologizing far more than I should because of my insane fears of something happening to them.

So while our day today was really good, one watched a movie none of the rest of us like while I cut coupons and helped the other make a toiler paper tube circus, it ended with me getting upset because they would not stop talking in their beds. This of course sent me into a panic about something happening to them while they sleep and immediately apologizing to them.

So, any overly anxious parents have suggestions on how to discipline your kids so they don't turn into brats while you deal with your own panic?

The First Day of 2011!

2011-01-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

So today was the first day of our new year. I hope everyone had a great new year's eve and that your first day of the new year was a good one. I spent the day taking down all of the Christmas decorations and doing a massive clean of the house. We have long since outgrown our little apartment so cleaning and trying to find space for things is very frustrating to me. I tried very hard not to let it get me down today though. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for the fact that I have a safe roof over my head.

I finished 365 Thank Yous this morning. I mentioned that I was going to read it in another post, and I finished it in about three days. If I'd had the time I would have sat down and read the whole thing the day it arrived on my doorstep. It was very easy to read, and easy for me to identify with at this point in my life. At the end of the book he mentions that 365 notes might be a little bit overwhelming for most people, but that 100 notes is very doable. The whole book was really just showing us how to find things to be thankful for even in times where we don't think there is anything to be happy about. I think this is something we should all do. I think it would make us all happier and would probably do a lot to make the world a better place.

I had also made a decision last night about something very important in my life and felt very resolved about that decision. Then something changed my mind today, so I guess there's one resolution down the drain already!

There were a few minor things that were less than great today, but overall I have a lot to be thankful for already in 2011 and I'm looking forward to seeing where I will be by the end of the year!

Welcome 2011!!

2010-12-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

Well here we are in the last few hours of 2010. I used to hate New Year's Eve. I'm not sure why exactly, but I just dreaded it. Now, I love it! I couldn't ask for better dates in my two boys and honestly there is no one I would rather kiss at midnight than them. They're the most important people in my life and I see no better way to bring in a new year than with them. The past few years I've let them stay up until midnight and they've really enjoyed that. So we're home with some sparkling cider waiting for that ball to drop.

I ran/walked a 5K today for a local adult/child daycare center. I did this same race last year after being on Weight Watchers for just two months. So, I was at least 45 pounds heavier last year. I hadn't really trained again this year, but I could tell a huge difference in how much I was able to run. I did something strange to a muscle in my leg about halfway through or I think I would have done even better. I'm proud of myself either way because I finished it and I feel like it's a great way to send out 2010!

I haven't eaten very well today, but this is the last day of that and the place is pretty well cleaned out of junk anyway. I'm looking forward to making a fresh start with a much cleaner diet.

I have lots of things I'd like to accomplish in 2011 though I wouldn't say I'm making resolutions. My youngest son heard someone mention resolutions on TV the other day and he said, "Mommy we need a new year's revolution." Well, with any luck, we'll have a revolution in our little family. I'm not going to share what I'm working towards in the new year. I find people try to push you down or criticize you if they know what you're working toward, so I keep things to myself until I need help or until I'm far enough along that I feel like people will be supportive.

So I hope you are having a great New Year's Eve and that you are spending it in a way that is pleasing to you. I also hope that you have a fabulous 2011!!

So Christmas Is Over...

2010-12-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

Did everyone enjoy their holiday and time with friends and family? I had a nearly perfect day until the evening. The boys were great and so excited with what they received and I felt good because they were still happy even though I spent and bought a lot less than in years past. It's nice to know that I picked out things that they really like and that we don't just have a ton of junk that will sit around. The food was good, but I ate way too much. I plan to throw away a good bit of stuff today though. I feel horrible about wasting food but the boys won't eat it and I will and it's just not what I need to be doing right now. So, out it goes.

My evening was pretty rough. I have pretty severe anxiety issues and had recently stopped taking my medication because of the cost. My ex had planned a trip for the kids today and the area they were going was expecting some heavy snow. I came pretty close to a full meltdown about the idea of them traveling in the snow. But sometimes when things are feeling really bad you just need to reach out to those around you and you will find the support you need to get through it. I learned (not that I didn't know already) that I have some pretty amazing friends. I even found a source of inspiration for dealing with the feelings I have from a total stranger. For the first time someone expressed the guilt I feel over my anxiety and it was like a lightbulb came on in my head. I think the guilt of not feeling good when I'm in situations where I should feel great it was has been eating at me all of these years. For the first time, someone pointed it out to me and made me feel like it was OK to feel the feelings I have when I have them. Because of these people I woke up with a whole lot less dread and my children arrived safely at their destination this morning.

Now we are just a week away from the beginning of the new year. I have a lot of plans, a lot of hopes, and a lot of dreams and I must say that I'm really looking forward to it!

Looking Ahead and Being Thankful

2010-12-22T18:42:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is almost here and I haven't written in forever. I wish I could say that my mood about the holidays has improved exponentially, but it hasn't. I has improved though. It's hard not to be happy when you see how excited your children are about the prospect of something great under the tree on Christmas morning. I've also enjoyed having them home with me during the day, even if they have driven me a little crazy.

But since Christmas is almost ready to pass us by, it's time to look toward 2011. I don't really make resolutions for the new year, but I do like to look at the year that has just passed and think about what was good and what I'd like to improve upon in the next year. 2010 was the year for me to finally get a handle on my weight and while I'm not totally there yet, I do feel like I'm on the right track. This past week has been a test, a test that I have failed, but it's taught be even more about my habits. I know that Weight Watchers will be permanent for me now. I've let myself lose control this week and it's been ugly. Tomorrow is my weigh in and I'm just hoping that my gain is less than five pounds. I'm not going to let it get me down though. I know what I did, and what the consequences will be. I also know that I've felt like total crap and that it wasn't worth it. So, I still have work to do, but I'm also still learning and I know 2011 will see the end of the last of my weight.

Another thing that I really have on my mind for 2011 is gratitude. In November a bunch of people on Facebook decided to post something they were grateful for each day. I participated and I found it to be a fun exercise. I was actually kind of sorry to see the month come to an end. Then the other day I was watching TV and saw a man who had written a thank you note every day for a year and he wrote a book about the experience and how wonderful it was. It made me start to think about how irritated I've been by people lately and how doing something like this might really help me find more good things in the world. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep up with it, but I think I'm going to try. If anyone is interested, the book comes out on December 28th.

365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life

I've also realized that I need to trust my instincts a little more often. If I feel like I need to say something to someone, I'm going to say it. If I feel like something isn't quite right with a situation, then I'm going to do something about it. Ignoring my instincts has always led to trouble, and life is too short to keep things inside.

So, do you make resolutions? Anything you want in the coming year?

Woo Hoo Weight Watchers!

2010-11-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

Weight Watchers has once again proven why they are the leaders in the healthy weight industry with their new program! Points Plus was unveiled today and I attended an extra meeting just to get the scoop and get going! There couldn't be a better plan for someone who is a vegetarian! Why there is a focus on getting more protein it doesn't do what I feared and make you have more than you really need. Let's face it, the standard American diet has too much protein already. The very best part about the new plan is that now all fruits and nearly all vegetables are free!!!! What more could a veggie ask for? In just my first day on the new plan I can already tell I will be far more satisfied and hopefully I will kick the rest of this weight. Shockingly I weighed in the day after Thanksgiving and saw a .6 gain, but when I weighed in today I was down 1.8! That makes me 5.2 pounds from goal and I trust Points Plus to get me the rest of the way there in no time!

I got some good news about one of my classes that I'm struggling in and I got my Christmas decorations drug out of the closet and got the closet organized. With the exception of some unpleasant news in the evening I had a really great day.

Putting the Positive Vibes Out There

2010-11-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone! We had a great meal complete with Tofurky. It was amazingly yummy and my oldest went back for a second huge slice. He loved it! The youngest didn't try any of it because when we went to the orthodontist on Wednesday they decided to go ahead and put his braces on. So, he wasn't feeling like eating much but mashed potatoes. He didn't seem to mind it very much though and he thinks he looks very cool with his braces on. I guess that's the good part about them putting braces on when you're a lot younger, your ego hasn't kicked in yet.

Friday I braved the scale after a week of being really bad and not tracking a bit. I managed to only put on six tenths of a pound, so I wasn't too mad at myself. It isn't just the holiday that caused me to be bad. Weight Watchers is releasing their new program tomorrow and so I've been slacking in anticipation of that. The leader at the Friday meeting is a vegetarian and he said that I will probably be happier with the new plan. I'm very excited and really hope I can kick my butt into gear and lose the rest of this weight.

Tonight I was reminded that along with this new plan, I have to focus on things that I want to happen. It isn't just about following this program, it's about visualizing the outcome. A very dear friend of mine was given an unused ticket to an event that he has always wanted to attend. The person who gave it to him had not been able to go, and knew that my friend would love to have the ticket because of how neat it looked and what it was for. After the other person left, he looked at me and said "I have always wanted to go to this. I'm going to put this ticket where I can see it. It's been added to my list and because I'm putting it out there, I will get to go." And you know what? I know he will. He makes a list every year of things he wants to do in the coming year and he usually gets to do most of them. A lot of them are out of his means, or seem a little far-fetched, and yet, they still happen in some way. I know that when I do that, it works for me too. I just have to remember to do it, and to really make sure that's where my focus is. It's hard to do when you have a big mess like I do right now, but I know it works and I'm going to give it a valiant effort!

What a Day!

2010-11-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a little wild. Nothing terribly exciting happened, but I got a wild hair the other day to be crafty and so I ran all over town looking for the things I needed. I spent a good bit of time between thrift stores and Goodwill. I guess I never noticed, but t-shirts are not as cheap as you would expect in Goodwill. My favorite thrift store has the ones that you get from donating blood or running in a race or something for $1.50, but they were $3.50 in Goodwill! I'm going to be cutting them up, so I really don't want to pay very much for them. I'm going to ask friends and family to pass theirs on to me if they plan to donate, but I guess I'll really be looking at yard sales this summer.

During my travels I was sitting at a top sign and this old style mini-van passed me with the words "We're Hung" written across the side windows. I was a little confused and hoping for more information. I got it when they turned the corner and I saw "We're Men" written on the other side. I have to assume they were feeling a bit less than real men driving in a mini-van...or at least that's what I hope they were thinking when they wrote that!

On another note, on the way to school this morning my oldest was telling me that the supervising teacher of his club at school was asking them about what they were going to have for Thanksgiving dinner. My son told them that we were having Tofurkey, mashed potatoes, and Weight Watchers pumpkin pie (that is accurate, but it's not all we're having). I assume she was being funny, but she told him she was sorry. That sort of irritated me a little. Why be sorry that he's not having an antibiotic laden bird who likely lived and died in a horrible manner and a pie that tastes just as good, if not better, than a regular pumpkin pie? Thanksgiving does have it's typical menu, but there's no reason you can't enjoy all of the good foods prepared in a better way. Not to mention that my kids get a meal with me and with their dad so it's not like they're missing out on anything. I asked him if he was upset that we weren't having things that were totally traditional and he said "No, I like it that we're different." That's my boy!

Almost Thanksgiving

2010-11-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

It's been forever since I've written anything here and I'm sorry. Life has just been a little nuts and I'm the queen of procrastination. I honestly cannot believe that Thursday is Thanksgiving! I wish I could say that I am excited about it, but I'm really not. I don't enjoy the holidays and look forward to them being over. I've followed the trend of posting something I'm grateful for on Facebook ever day this month just to remind myself not to be in a total funk until January 2nd. There are a lot of reasons I don't enjoy the holidays, but I'm not going to get into all of them here and bring everyone else down. Let's just say that this year, I'm in an exception funk.

But, since Thanksgiving is coming, like it or not, I have to prepare a meal of some sort. We've never been big turkey eaters, so that's not something anyone cares too much about giving up due to my new vegetarian lifestyle. I only cook for myself, my mother and my kids so no one really gets to bothered about what we have. If they want some meat, I'll fix something, but if not, that's fine with me. The oldest has only requested mashed potatoes and gravy, and the youngest wants cheese burritos. I did by a Tofurkey today just because. I have no idea what it will taste like, but I think it's funny to say it, which is why I bought it. I bought vegan gravy too. This could be one interesting Thanksgiving feast.

I'm still kind of stuck around the same weight. These last few pounds are proving to be a bugger to get off and I'm hoping the release of the new WW plan will jump start me into getting them off. I go to my doctor in two weeks. I'm not looking forward to it (who ever does) because I don't have any insurance now, but I'm down about 30 pounds since the last time I saw him so he will likely be very pleased.

Ten Years Ago

2010-10-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe that ten years has passed already, but ten years ago I was waking up to a day that would end with the moment that changed my life forever.

My day started out just like most had for the past few weeks. I had left my job to prepare for the birth of my first child, and was now three days overdue and feeling pretty miserable. It was a Friday and I had a doctor's appointment on Monday that I was certain I would make. At that point I truly thought he was planning to stay inside forever! After work my (then) husband and I decided to go out to dinner. We were sitting at a stoplight when I felt a contraction. I'd been having pretty intense Braxton-Hicks contractions, but these felt different. They were less intense and not painful, but different. I didn't say anything, but I noted the time. We got to the restaurant, sat down, and I felt another one. I asked him how long it had been since the time I had the first one and he told me fourteen minutes. He got all excited when I told him what I'd felt, but I wasn't convinced. All through dinner, every fourteen minutes, there would be another one. When we were finished we went to another restaurant that we liked to hang out at. A lot of our friends were there and everyone was keeping up with the timing. Around ten we decided we should head home. My mother was there and she told me I should make sure my bag was packed and I was ready to go.

I truly thought the contractions would stop, but I did what she suggested. I went home, showered, finished packing my bag and timed a few more contractions. By the time I was ready for bed, they were eight minutes apart, but not at all painful. I went to bed and fell asleep easily. At 1am I felt a very distinct pop and sat straight up in bed. My water had broken! I ran to the bathroom with my husband fast on my heels. We both started laughing and he asked me what we should do. I told him the contractions had stopped, but that since the doctor told us to come to the hospital when my water broke, I thought we should go. We made a few calls to family, got our stuff and were on the way. No one had warned me that once your water breaks, it doesn't always stop. By the time we got to the hospital I was totally soaked from the waist down. We walked into the ER and the nurse actually said "Can I help you?". Um, really, ya think? So I told her I was pretty sure my water had broken and they sent me up to labor and delivery.

I was shocked to learn that I was only two centimeters dilated at that point. The labor wasn't horribly long, but I didn't have any pain medication and with each contraction his heartbeat would drop so the nurses were constantly moving me around to more uncomfortable positions and wouldn't let me be where I wanted to be. By the time I got to eight centimeters (yes 8, and no drugs yet) the doctor came in and said he wanted to do a c-section. It was now October 21st and just so happened to be my father-in-laws birthday. When we first told him my due date he said I was going to have him on his birthday. Turned out, he was going to be right.

So off to the OR we went. A very kind nurse had me lean against her and told me that I would feel a slight prick and then I would start to go numb. She barely had the words out before my butt and legs were totally numb. Then they laid me down, got everything ready and brought my husband in to sit with me at my head. My anesthesiologist was really nice and had me laughing the whole time. He would also tell my ex when he should look at what was happening. I felt a slight tug here and there and within a few minutes he was out. I remember seeing him for the first time being held up by the doctor and thinking he had a lot of blond hair. Turns out that was my imagination and my lack of being able to wear glasses or contacts in the OR. I got to see his little face briefly before they took him away.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I remember being very shaky and not really wanting to hold him for fear of dropping him. He was a champion nurser which was great but he never would let me put him down or let the nurses keep him in the nursery for very long. After four (ugh) days in the hospital we were finally going home. I was totally freaked out! I couldn't believe that they were letting us take him home by ourselves!! But we all survived.

Happy 10th Birthday Baby Duck!

From the Driver's Mouth

2010-10-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

I had an occasion to be in a small group of people Saturday night. In this group there was a man whom I had not met before but found rather easy to talk to. Over the course of the conversation it came out that I'm a vegetarian. I can't remember the way it all came out, but he responded that he was a driver for one of our local poultry plants, but that he did not eat the birds himself. I asked him if he drove chickens or turkeys and learned that he hauls turkeys. I couldn't resist and had to ask him if his job was the reason that he didn't eat turkey. He told me that he wasn't a big turkey eater before taking this job, but he didn't eat them at all now. I of course wanted to know why and he said something along the lines of "If you've seen what I have, you wouldn't be able to eat them". I haven't seen what he has, only heard about it, and I can't eat them. I can't even begin to imagine what he has seen...nor do I want to.

But if this doesn't tell us something about the conditions of the meat processing facilities in our country then what will? And at what point will those who work at these places stand up and say something? I understand that in this economy you can't jeopardize your job, but there are lots of ways to report things anonymously. If things are so bad that it changes how you eat, what else should you be doing?

Bye Bye Fat!

2010-10-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my one year anniversary on Weight Watchers. Yes, for one year I have been counting points and doing weekly meetings and weigh-in's. I had hopes of reaching goal by one year but as the date approached I saw that wasn't going to happen and looked for a new goal. I realized I was very close to the fifty pound mark so that became my goal. Lose fifty pounds in one year.

I was a very good girl this week, only eating a few things off my normal routine and managed to lose 2.6 pounds for a total of 51 pounds!!! That means I averaged almost one pound a week for the entire year. I'm not going to talk about how easy it was or how I never struggled because none of that is true. I made my poor leader work for her money. I had weeks where I would gain and lose the same pound over and over. I had weeks of no loss and weeks of unexplained gains. But as my leader kept reminding me, it's really about averages. She was totally right!

I have about seven pounds left before I hit my goal at Weight Watchers and about ten more after that to hit my personal goal. I can honestly say that this is a lifestyle for me now. I will probably always have to count points and that's fine with me. Food can be an addiction just like any other substance, except you have to have food to live. Weight Watchers gives you the tools to manage food in such a way where you never feel like you are missing out on anything. I know I sound like a commercial, but everything I'm saying is true.

When I joined one year ago I weighed 211 pounds. That was more than I weighed the day I went into the hospital to give birth to my oldest child! I always thought I carried the weight well and didn't look as big as I was. I am also pretty healthy, so I told myself that if my weight ever started to impact my health I would do something about it. This was really stupid considering that our weight always impacts our health even if the outward signs are not currently visible. But, it's what I told myself. So, when I started getting horrible heartburn and the doctor suggested a medication I realized I was done. I refused to go on a medication for something I could do something about and joined Weight Watchers instead.

I didn't tell many people at first. I didn't want people judging what I was putting into my mouth or shaking their head when they realized I'd failed at yet another diet. But, when the weight started coming off and people started asking, I had to come clean. Since then several other people I know have joined and are losing. It's great to see others getting healthy in a way that I know will change their lives.

So, bye bye 51 pounds of fat and hello new me! Don't worry, you'll hear me scream when I hit my goal weight!

Forever Behind

2010-10-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm always behind. It doesn't matter how hard I work at things, something is always left undone and/or late. Right now I'm behind in two of my three classes. One only slightly and the other horribly. I will get caught up on the work, but then in a few days I'll be behind again for some reason. I'm always behind in cleaning and laundry. I am behind on work, and behind (as in haven't done a damn thing) for another blog I'm supposed to be writing for, and really want to write for.

I do waste a fair amount of time on the wonderful world of Facebook, but honestly I don't think cutting that out would get me any less behind. At least when I'm on the computer I usually have several tabs going at the same time and often one of them is work or school. I don't know what my problem is. I am a big procrastinator, but that's only on stuff I really hate and there isn't too much of that. I can't imagine how much of a mess I would be if I still held a real job and had my kids full time. There's really no good excuse for why things are so out of control. I guess it's just one of my many flaws.

Things have been stressful in my life the past few days. I have a habit of things going really really well for a while and then something happens and it all goes to shit in a second. I figure this is likely my fault too and that's why I call it a habit. I'm the common denominator. So, I've been in kind of a crappy mood the past few days. I also haven't been eating well and the stress has caused me to lose almost four pounds. That's the good news though. I'm trying to hit that 50 pound mark before my one year Weight Watchers anniversary and it looks like I might do it. It's not the best way to get the weight off, but I'll take it if I'm going through the stress anyway.

Birthday Recap and Eating Everything in Sight!

2010-09-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

So I think the birthday went really well. I have a constant sense of anxiety around birthday's and Christmas because I always want them to be extra special. He seemed to really enjoy his presents and his birthday dinner and he said he had a great day, so that's all I could hope for! I was totally worn out by the end of the day and we didn't even have a big party.

The rest of this week has been insane though. I have been really stressed out the past few days and so I have just been eating everything in sight! I have been craving salt which is really strange for me and so I expect tomorrow's weigh in to be horrible! I had my pity party yesterday and now I will face the music tomorrow and work on undoing the damage.

I've made some decisions about what I want to do with my life during this little pity party so stay tuned!

Eight Years Ago

2010-09-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

One of the two happiest days of my life happened eight years ago tomorrow. My Nanner Bean was born!

My ex-husband and I had decided that we wanted to have our children two years apart. I still remember how that played out. There came a point where I said, if we want to have them two years apart, we better get started. Not very long after that I carried the pregnancy test out with a stupid grin on my face and told him that we must be the most fertile couple in the world.

On September 19th, 2002 and two we became proud parents for the second time. He was actually born on his due date which surprised me. I had a doctors appointment that day, but after having contractions the whole day prior to his birth I doubted we were going to make it to that appointment. Sure enough, just before four in the morning my water broke. I jumped up from a sound sleep, said "My water broke!" and ran to the bathroom. Pretty much the same thing had happened with my older son as well. Except that with him, the contractions stopped after my water broke. This time, they kept coming harder and closer together. We had switched to a midwife practice after a less than pleasant experience with our OB-GYN and she had told us to call when my water broke. So, I called and told her what was going on. She told me I could come in whenever I was ready, but that I could wait at home until the contractions got closer together. We called my mother-in-law and told her to come and get our older son and then when she arrived I decided it was time to go. I was going to attempt a VBAC and I didn't want to take any chances.

Everything about my labor was pretty similar to the first, except I had an amazing midwife to help me through it this time. She almost never left the room, let me move around just like I wanted, and I was even able to get in the whirlpool tub. I was pressing on without medication pretty well, but at eight centimeters I got stuck. The same thing had happened with my first and that is when the doctor had decided to do the c-section. My midwife looked at me and said, "You are going to hate me, but I want you to turn over on your left side. It is going to hurt so much worse, but we need to get him out." At that same time she called the doctor to have him make his way in to the hospital. When she told me she was going to do that because she thought he might need to use suction, I was determined to get him out! I turned over on my side and the pain that had been bearable became so intense so fast I couldn't believe it. I gripped the bed rail so hard my knuckles were white! At one point, my ex looked at me and said, "You can relax, your contraction is over." I looked at him and said, "No, I can't relax, it is one BIG LONG contraction! I don't care what that stupid monitor says!"

The midwife had been right, I wanted to kill her, but it worked. I went from eight to ten in just a few minutes and then started to push. I suspect that medication gives the woman a little more control over the pushing part of delivery. I had no control. They had told me that even though it was my second baby, I might still push for two hours since I had never pushed with the first. He was out in fifteen minutes.

I remember looking down and seeing his little body but not hearing anything. I sort of panicked and kept asking if he was OK. My midwife said he was fine. I said, "Why isn't he crying?" She said, "Here you go." and he started right up. He got to stay in the room with us for all of his tests and to be cleaned up and I just watched him and marveled at how amazing he was. He was a champion nurser right from the beginning and thanks to the kindness of the midwives we got to go home with him the next morning.

So much has happened in the eight years since that day. He's the same height as his older brother, but outweighs him by almost ten pounds. He still loves so many little boy things like playing with trucks and just digging in the dirt. He loves to collect things and he is still such the momma's little boy. He still crawls up on my lap (only now he takes up way more than my lap) and he still tells me he loves me all the time. Him and his brother are my whole world and I never knew how amazing life could be until they were in it!

Happy 8th Birthday Nanner Bean!!

Perception VS. Reality

2010-09-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day for me. I was not expecting any sort of a loss at Weight Watchers and I ended up losing a pound! It'd been staying pretty well on plan, and early in the week I was able to get a fair amount of exercise before I came down with a cold and didn't feel like it anymore. But this was one of those weeks where I didn't really feel like I knew where I was with things and so I was still surprised by the results. This loss brings me back to being exactly ten pounds from my goal weight, and nearly a fifty pound loss. My one year anniversary with WW is coming up at the beginning of October and I would really like to be at goal by then, but I'd settle for hitting that fifty pound mark.

This nearly fifty pound weight loss has really driven home the concept of perception versus reality. The reality is, I have lost 48 pounds and almost five clothing sizes. The reality is that I can almost wear a size 10 which I'm not sure has ever happened to me. The reality is, I feel amazing and I know that while I still have a ways to go, I look better than I ever have.

But the perception is that I still weigh over 200 pounds. My brain still has the image of the way I looked almost a year ago stuck there like it has been etched on. Someone in my WW meeting said something very wise once. They said it's hard to get the old image out of your head, because your weight didn't just fall off over night. You didn't wake up one morning 50 pounds lighter and so shocked by the way you looked that you just jumped right into that new you.

I didn't get to be 70 pounds overweight by having a healthy relationship with food or by loving my body or the way I looked. Those things have improved nearly 100% since joining WW a year ago, but that has taken a years worth of work. I expected to be so excited about the way that I look that shopping would be a fun experience and I would just be thrilled to wear all of these things that I couldn't wear before.

But, the reality has been much different. The reality has left me standing in Kohl's for two days in a row looking at clothes that I would have loved to have worn a year ago and still not having the courage to try them on. The reality has left me thinking that I can't possibly pay any money for clothes that won't fit again in a few months. The reality has left me leaving with a pair of shoes and a purse (which I love, don't get me wrong) because those are the only items I can trust to fit me and look OK. The reality is, shopping for clothes still isn't that much fun.

But another reality is that I know it will get fun. I know that because this is the life that I have chosen for myself now and because I know I cannot go back to my old weight. So eventually my new body will become etched into my brain and I will enjoy going into the store and trying on those things I always admired. I will know that I can spend the money on something and have it fit in a few months.

I do know things are starting to shift though. I recently went to my favorite thrift store and found a brand new dress with the tags still on that I instantly feel in love with. It was a size 10 but I tried it on anyway. It nearly fit and since it was only $7 I bought it because I know it will fit very soon!

Things that annoy me

2010-09-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm reasonably easy to get along with. Maybe. Who knows.

But some things annoy me. Some things really get under my skin. I won't go into all of them because that could take a while, but I experienced one of them this evening. Perhaps I'm just sensitive, but perhaps people are stupid. I tend to think it's the latter.

I have a friend who owns a little burger joint and I created and maintain a Facebook page for him. I try to post his daily specials as often as I can and let him know what people are saying. Today his special was this amazing chicken salad that his wife makes. You have never had a chicken salad sandwich until you have had one of these. Before going veg I ate plenty of these sandwiches. In fact, since going veg I gave myself permission to have one the last time they were available. My body was NOT happy so when they became available again today I did not indulge. But, I did post the special on the Facebook page.

One of my friends commented that she was corn, wheat and gluten free now or she would be all over one of those sandwiches because they are so good. Another person (whom I admit I do not know) posted this "God gave us wheat, corn, gluten --- and MEAT!!" and basically told her to man up and eat the sandwich. Now, she did go on to say that she shouldn't if she was allergic, but come on! Number one, she is allergic, deathly so. The poor girl has a very limited diet because of her allergies. So while this woman did acknowledge the possibility of an allergy she only did so after basically saying if God made it, then you should eat it. But she basically said anyone who chooses not to eat those things has a problem. Notice the emphasis on meat?

So why is it not OK for someone to choose not to eat those foods for whatever reason? If it is OK to choose not to eat them, is it only OK if it's because of an allergy and not a personal choice?

This is not the first time I've encountered this type of reaction. I have had countless people act like I was some sort of lunatic for not eating meat. I admit to being a little militant about it. I still give my children meat when they ask for it, but I do find myself a little grossed out when I handle it or see others eat it now. Sure, I'd like everyone to go vegetarian for a lot of different reasons, but I know that's not likely to happen. From time to time, I'm sure I have my judgments about meat eaters. But, I don't try to force feed anyone green beans just because "God made them".

And if you believe that God made all of those things (which admittedly I do not) then why do you eat so much crap that God did not make? If you're so concerned with people eating what God made then you should probably look toward a vegetarian diet. Sure plants and animals have always been here, but plants were edible before we figured out a way to eat the animals, so maybe that wasn't their intended purpose.

Oh and I have to get my car worked on tomorrow. That may be more of the reason for the above rant than anything else.

Being Busy

2010-09-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant for the first time everyone told me that my life was getting ready to be insane. They told me how hard it was going to be to have this new baby and how I was never going to get any rest or any time to myself. Both were true of course. But, now that my children are older, I have to say that I think the baby part was a lot easier! Sure, they cried a lot and I couldn't figure out why and there were the diapers and constant sleeplessness, but when you sat them down somewhere, they generally stayed put.

Then came the walking, and then the talking. Now, it seems like there is a never ending stream of things to do. We have homework, field trips, golf, football, the list goes on. Don't get me wrong, I love it! I wouldn't change any of it for the world, but it seems like we never stop going!

Saturday we went to our farmer's market which we haven't been to in forever because we just never have the time. It was so nice to pick up some fresh local produce and have some delicious treats while we were there. Then it was off to two hours of football practice, followed by a quick lunch, then on to a local children's event that proved to be totally insane and not really worth the effort. Then we came home, got cleaned up and went off to golf.

Today I got a lot of things done which was good and now I'm looking on to the busy week ahead. Overall I think it will be a good week, with the exception of the car repairs I have scheduled for Tuesday. I've been having some problems with my car and I am just dreading the diagnosis of the problems and the bill to follow. I love having a car to get around in, but I do not love the repair bills!

The end of the week should be great though. My baby boy is turning eight on Sunday!! I seriously cannot believe it. I know everyone says that, but I really can't. I have friends who are having babies right now and it feels like that just happened to me. I still remember so much of the experience of having him and really truly thought I'd have more after him so it's a little sad that he's getting so big. It's also a little sad because now both of my kids can officially come out of their booster seats. I won't actually take them out, but they can. Both of them are still small enough that my seats don't fit them as well as I would like, so in my car and in their father's cars, they still use a booster. Call us paranoid...I don't care!

He's very excited of course and now I just have to figure out what I'm going to get him! I really want to find a toy golf cart. He is still really into playing with cars (which I love) and since he likes golf, I think that would be fun. No luck so far though. I also have to order a cake and figure out what else we are going to do! Then I get to repeat it all in a month when my first born turns 10!! EEEK!

I guess busy is good, it means I'm still alive!

9/11 -Nine Years Later

2010-09-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

Like most Americans today I have spent a little bit of time remembering where I was on September, 11th. My first born son was about to turn one-year-old and due to constant sleep deprivation we awoke after the first tower had been struck. The rest of the day was a total fog for me. I went about my daily routines but couldn't help but wonder what kind of world we would live in from now on. I wondered if I'd made a huge mistake by bringing my son into the world. I think this was a common thought around the country that day.

I have serious issues with anxiety. I worry way more than an average human being and I'm very thankful for the wonderful medications that exist to help people like me. I wasn't taking any such medication at the time however, and so for weeks after the event of 9/11 I obsessed over it. I watched every ounce of news coverage and read everything written about the day. I did this after watching the movie Titanic as well, and that had happened years ago. My obsession with the deaths of the people on that boat became consuming. The massacre at Columbine High School was by far the worst to date, including 9/11. There was something about that event that rocked me like no other of its kind. I needed to know everything about that day, those kids...everything. The last event I did this with was Hurricane Katrina. Since that I have gone on medication to deal with my paralyzing anxiety. But in addition to the medication, I've also learned that I cannot watch any coverage of these types of events on TV or read about them.

I guess that could be viewed as sticking my head in the sand, but I see it as preservation of my sanity. I read just enough to know what happened, and then that's it. My mind is simply not strong enough to handle it. Perhaps that's selfish given that so many people have lived through these things and I only watch them happen on TV. I'm sure that's true to some extent. But, I know how bad these things impact me, and I have two children who need me to have my wits about me every day, and I can promise you that during these events, I did not.

So my lack of attention and focus on the events of this day nine years ago does not mean that I don't care. It does not mean that I will ever forget what happened, or that I don't think about the victims. What it does mean is that I have moved on. I have learned how to process these awful things and see that our world is still a good place. I remember that we bonded together as a nation and that we joined with other nations who shared our grief. I also remember that people were born on this day, people got married on this day, the world did keep spinning and does continue to spin on 9/11 every year. While I remember those who lost their lives, I know that the only way we can honor their memory is to live our own lives. We can take the day to honor them and remember them, but we must live out the rest of our days looking for the good things in the world.

I no longer worry that I may have made a mistake by bringing children into this scary world. I don't live in fear anymore. I remember something a nurse told me once. She said, "This is the exception, not the rule". The horrors of our world sometimes seem like they are taking over, but if you stop and really look, you'll see that they are the exception and not the rule.

Worst Field Trip EVER!

2010-09-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

I try to go on as many of my sons field trips as I can. This is partly because I know the teachers need help, and partly because I'm a very paranoid individual and I'm always afraid something will happen to one of them! The latter reason became a little more valid today when one of the students on the field trip was taken away by ambulance. The child was from a different school, but it made my paranoia worse!

That was just one part of the suckishness that was this trip. We went to our local fairgrounds for what was supposed to be some sort of farm safety/day in the life sort of thing. Luckily the weather was beautiful or it would have been even more miserable. Overall it might have been a nice experience but the organizers tried to cram entirely too much stuff into the day and so we were just herded around the grounds all day. We weren't able to spend much time anywhere and so the different presenters would often be in mid-presentation when we'd have to move on to the next stop. Most of the stops were very boring, and way over the heads of these fourth graders.

It was even more annoying to me for several reasons. There were several people there talking about animals and food related topics. The first stop we made dealt with chickens. One of the presenters was from George's poultry which is one of our largest poultry processors in the area. So here they are telling us about all the gear they have to wear into the chicken houses and showing us how they give the animals water. The whole time I'm fuming over the fact that these kids are being taught about the factory farming of chickens and not how they should live. Then they let the kids hold chicks. That wouldn't be so bad except there was no rhyme or reason to it so the kids were just manhandling them and I worried that all of those babies would be dead by the end of the day.

Fast forward through some other boring exhibits to the dairy exhibit. The farmer proceeded to tell us about all of the things the dairy cows eat...none of which were things any of them should eat. Then he quizzed the kids on what they should be eating. Thankfully my wonderful son looked at me and said "None of that is what they should be eating". If we'd had more time I would have asked him to repeat that to the farmer.

Then after a number of even more agonizing exhibits and lunch we were on to the Virginia Cooperative Extension's presentation on the food pyramid. I think most people, even non-vegetarians, would agree that the new pyramid is just insanely confusing. The lady did a pretty nice job of explaining it, but the old pyramid was more logical even if I didn't agree with it's breakdown. Aside from that, there were several other issues at this stop. There were two people there to present, but only one spoke. The one who spoke was quite overweight. She was certainly knowledgeable, but how can you speak to kids about good nutrition and exercise when it's clear you don't practice it? It's sort of like going to an overweight doctor (I'll post on that another time). In addition to that, it was clear that there was a very big slant toward the use of corn products. She spent most of the time talking about corn and where it could be found in our food. That's great...except she was making it sound like corn was this miracle food. Well, I enjoy some corn, but I don't enjoy the high fructose corn syrup that's in everything these days! So, I wasn't a huge fan of the way that presentation went.

There were a few good parts of the trip. The farrier was interesting and I learned a lot about horseshoeing from him. Of course, that just made me miss riding again. Overall though, this trip was a total bust. Both of us came home exhausted and with major headaches. I truly hope that they don't repeat this trip next year when my other child is in the fourth grade.

Weight Loss = Change in Vision?

2010-09-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about eyesight here, I'm talking about how you view the world once you have lost weight. I've lost nearly 50 pounds (it would be 50 if I could get myself under control) and I've found that since I have lost weight my vision of the world has truly changed. This may or may not be a good thing.

Being aware of my own weight has always made me aware of the weight of others. I think we, women especially, look for others who we feel look like us. We want to size them up, see how we feel about the way they look, and therefore form an opinion about how we must look to other based on that. What I've found is that when I was heavier I had a very distorted view of how I looked. I thought I was thinner than I was, or that I carried it better than I did. That's probably why I stayed that way so long.

I do the same thing to some degree now, but I think it's a little bit healthier. Now that I have a better self-image I tend to look at other women and think "I could wear that", or "I'm as pretty as she is". It may still be a little nuts, but the self talk is at least healthier.

The problem I have now is that I'm far more aware of the unhealthy things others do, and in particular, the unhealthy things people do to their children. This weight loss has not been easy for me, so I'm not suggesting that it is easy for anyone else or that I'm somehow superior because I have taken steps to lose weight. I could easily start my old habits back up tomorrow and go right back to where I was. That's the reason I know I'll always have to stay with Weight Watchers. I have a problem, and I'm always going to need help with it. Getting help is fine, and more of us should ask for it.

But back to my new vision. My children have always been good eaters and I've always done my best to make sure they eat healthy. They've always eaten healthier than I have because I was afraid of them ending up fat like me. I make them eat even healthier now because I eat healthier and see the value in those foods more than I used to. They play football now and we've been to quite a few practices already. The amount of obesity is pretty astounding when so many people are gathered in one place. It's one thing to look at it in the adults, I can see myself in all of them. But, from my new perspective it is very painful to see it in the children. Because my children have a healthy father and because I was so careful to keep my bad habits from spilling over to them, I have healthy kids. The only person I was killing was myself.

It is much harder to look at when you see these people killing themselves and their kids. One boy on my sons team is a good six inches shorter than my eight year-old and outweighs him by twenty pounds. He's a sweet kid and cute as can be, but I can't help but have an anxiety attack over what is happening inside of that little body. I want to say that I'm not judging his parents, who are large as well, but I guess I am to some degree. I could have continued to kill myself with food and it wouldn't have hurt anyone else for a long time to any serious degree. But, if my habits were killing my kids and I didn't stop it how could I have lived with myself? An eight year-old boy cannot go shopping for himself and isn't likely to make the request for healthier food on his own. Not only that, he's not likely to take too kindly to being asked to eat green beans when the rest of his family is eating potato chips. Healthy kids start with healthy parents, and even though my kids were doing pretty good, I see how much better they are doing now.

I know all of this must sound horrible, but the internal dialogue isn't what you might think. I'm not mentally abusing them and calling them terrible parents. My brain is searching for ways to help them. I'm searching for ideas as to how to get one of the parties motivated to make a change in their life and the lives of their family members. Could I get through to the parents in some way? Could I get the children to get through to the parents?

So I guess losing weight has made me a judgmental person, but I hope that I can take that and turn it into something good. I hope that if my mouth ever opens it's only to share my story and offer suggestions of they're asked for. I hope any actions I take are just offerings of support and that people know that I've been there and want to help.

2010-09-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

This has been one of those weeks that you are happy to see end! When I worked a traditional job I looked forward to the weekend like everyone else. Now that I don't, it's still fun, but it doesn't have the same impact. Of course now I have the added stress of no money that comes with no job, but that's a whole different story. This week my part-time job required me to do something very time consuming, and very frustrating. It wasn't that big of a deal but on top of everything else I was feeling it just about caused me to go into a crying jag in the middle of Rite Aid.

I survived, it's Friday and I'm very happy to see the weekend! Today I have nothing on the agenda except lunch with my very best friend and I'm so excited about that. I love her like a sister, but our busy lives don't allow us much time together. So, I'm super excited to see her and catch up on her life.

I gained a little bit of weight again this week Grr! I worked out like a maniac and kept within my points, but I was still up and therefore farther away from the position I want with Weight Watchers. I think two things contributed to these gains. I could have been a little more careful on the diet. While I was within points, I had a lot of sodium. I also allowed myself to get my thyroid medication all screwed up so I didn't take it for a while and that might have something to do with it as well. My guy also pointed out that I really should be drinking more water and I totally know that to be true. I usually only drink water while I'm working out and the rest of the time it is diet soda. I'm addicted to diet soda like a smoker is to cigarettes and it's the one habit I still have that I would really love to break.

So, I'm going to do my very best to work on kicking my soda habit! Any suggestions?

Have a GREAT weekend!

I get enough protein. Do you get enough fiber?

2010-08-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

I have a little button on my Facebook page that says something along those lines. Every time I tell someone I'm a vegetarian I know I'm either going to hear "How do you get protein?" or get the look. It amazes me that people don't realize that protein comes in many different forms and that it is quite easy to get what you need without meat in your diet. Not to mention that those forms of protein are so much healthier! I expect the question, and I'm fine with it, but sometimes it is a little irksome. Especially so when the person asking you has clearly had more than their fair share of protein over the years!

Now, perhaps if anyone reads this blog they can help me with "the look" that I get. It may have something to do with the area in which I live, but I get this look like people think I'm nuts. Vegetarians and vegans are everywhere, so why do I still get that look? Not everyone loves to eat steak! While I admit to enjoying meat in the past, I never liked steak and I never liked other meats so much that I couldn't live without them. My lifestyle is a choice. It's something I do for a variety of reasons and health is not first on that list. I remember a woman telling me should just couldn't live without eating ribs ever again and just didn't know how I could do it. Well, she doesn't have to live without them if she doesn't want to. I'm not asking her to do that. Do I wish she would choose them from a place that raised and killed the animals? Sure I do, but I know that might not happen. But it just sort of bugged me that she couldn't ever wrap her brain around the idea that I find other things to be more important than eating a big slab of meat!

I think the next time I get that look, I'm going to ask the person if they get enough fiber. Because based on that facial expression I'm thinking things might be a little backed up!

Life Update

2010-08-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in forever, so I thought I should do a quick update.

I'm enjoying being a vegetarian more and more as time goes on. It's a lot easier to find vegetarian options when dining out than I thought and I just feel so much better all over. I did make a rare exception the other day and paid for it. I have a friend whose wife makes the most AMAZING chicken salad that I have ever tasted. It's just beyond words. Well, I had the option to have some the other day and I just could not turn it down despite everything I feel about eating meat. Well, that was a mistake. The sandwich was as great as I thought it would be and I felt terrible for hours afterward. I guess it's like eating fried foods when you haven't done that in a long time either. So, I guess I can honestly say I'm a vegetarian now, because that won't be happening again.

School starts for the kids on the 24th and while I will miss them like crazy, I think it will be good for all of use to get back into that routine. I start again on the 30th and while I'm looking forward to it, I'm also nervous about all the work. I'm also considering taking a course at the community college to become a personal trainer. It's not something I would have ever considered in the past but now that I've lost almost fifty pounds it seems like something I could actually do. Now I just have to find the money for the course.

In even more personal news, I've started seeing someone. I'm not going to give any details at this point, but it's going very very well and I'm very happy.

Women, Food, God and 48 Pounds

2010-07-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

How's that for a title? So, I suck at keeping up with this blog, but I'm not sure anyone actually reads it, so that's probably fine. Anywho...

The book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth is all the rage right now. She's been on Oprah and the book is a bestseller. I had previously read a book by Roth so I decided I'd see what all the fuss was about. I was a little skeptical at first because I don't really do the "God" thing anymore. I mean I suppose I believe that there is a higher power than ourselves, but I'm not religious and I don't want to read about how Jesus will save me from my weight. Thankfully this book was nothing I feared. I finished it quickly as it was a pretty easy read and I have to say that I do think it is something all women should read, even if they don't feel like they have food issues.

After nearly a year on Weight Watchers (which Roth had tried when it was far more restrictive) I feel like I'm starting to come too grips with the reasons I eat the way I do and in addition to that, the reasons I behave the way I do in other areas of my life. She did have a lot of really good things to say and it opened my eyes even further. I suspect it would be even more helpful to someone just starting out on a journey toward a healthier lifestyle.

Even more exciting that that, I have now lost 48 pounds! I weigh in on Thursday and I suspect I may have gained a little bit of that back this week, but that's OK. I still don't know exactly how I managed to lose the 4.2 pounds I lost last week so if a little comes back I'm fine with that. I had also donated blood that morning which may have accounted for some of that loss and in doing that and not eating enough I almost fainted in Subway after the meeting. Lucky for me, I have great friends who got my blood sugar back up quickly and I felt mostly normal for the rest of the day.

This means that I am now only 10 pounds away from my goal at Weight Watchers and 20 pounds away from my personal goal! I still can't believe it!

Waiting

2010-07-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

I am terrible at waiting. Seriously, I'm the most impatient person I've ever met. I cannot stand to wait for anything and I know it's really annoying to anyone who has to deal with me on a regular basis.

Things are uber stressful around here right now. A lot of things are going on, and a lot of things could happen soon. But I have to wait on everything. It sucks! I know it's part of life and rushing thing is never good, especially if it's important, but I'm just not good at this.

The weight loss is still going pretty well, but again with the waiting! I've lost nearly 45 pounds now and that brings me to about 15 pounds shy of the goal I've set with Weight Watchers (25 pounds from my personal goal) and the closer I get, the harder it is to wait to see what I'll look like and how I'll feel. I think there is some fear there too. I'm afraid of getting so close and failing. I'm afraid of getting there and then backsliding.

So, if anyone has any words of wisdom about waiting, I could really use them now!

Weight Loss Revelations

2010-06-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

I started my journey toward a healthy weight in October. I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting not knowing what to expect. I had already spent tons of money over the years on gym memberships, diet books, other weight loss programs and tons of different foods. So, when I made the decision to go to Weight Watchers I didn't have a whole lot of confidence that it would work. I told myself that I would give it a few weeks and that no matter what I would follow the program. If after that time I didn't see any results, I vowed that I wouldn't waste the money and quit. I fully expected to quit, but since that first day I've lost 41.8 pounds.

The past two weeks have been a struggle though. I've gained a small amount and then had a small loss. It was starting to get frustrating, but I know that's just a part of this process now and that I have to find new ways to motivate myself and keep pursuing my goal. Yesterday I had a pretty awesome realization about my new body that made me want to keep going more than ever. Once a year the boys and I go to a local water park courtesy of our life insurance company. It's a lot of fun, but it also requires a great deal of energy. We went to the park yesterday and did all of the things we normally do there. They have this great lazy river where you get into tubes and float around. Last year when I was doing this I would try to jump up through the center of the tube and pull my legs up to get into the position that I wanted to be in. Every time I tried it it was really difficult and one time I flipped myself completely over in the water during an attempt. But this year I was doing the same thing and had no trouble at all. After the second time I did it, I thought "Did they change these tubes?". Then it dawned on me, I've lost 40 pounds!!! They didn't change, I did! It was awesome feeling! Not long after that the boys wanted to go down the large tube slides. This requires climbing up a steep flight of stairs carrying an awkward two seater tube. Last year when I did this I was so out of breath by the time I was barely able to enjoy going down the slide. This time, I was a little winded (I think you'd have to be an athlete not to be) but it wasn't near as bad and so much more fun!

So, while I may not be at my goal yet, and I still have a setbacks, it's moments like these that make it so worth the effort and make me want to keep going.

Tuesday Randomness

2010-06-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

Lots of stuff has been going on so this is just going to be a lot of rambling.

My oldest is at camp for the whole week :( We dropped him off on Sunday evening and won't be picking him up until Friday evening. We're taking the youngest to a mini camp tomorrow evening and picking him up Friday as well. I miss them like crazy while they're gone so this is a hard week. It's been weird only having one kid at home too. I'm used to them entertaining (or trying to kill each other) and now I'm the one who has to do the entertaining. There's a lot less drama here with only one though that's for sure. It will be nice to have them both back though.

I've gained a pound back over the last two weeks but I'm not stressing about that. Yesterday I had someone tell me that someone who had just met me didn't believe I'd ever been heavy. It was nice to hear. I dug up some pictures of myself at my biggest and it was a real shocker. I was amazed at how large I really was and how I thought I looked. I honestly didn't think I looked as big as I was. I also didn't think I'd changed that much, but clearly I have. So, I'm happy even with the slight gain.

There has been a lot of other stuff going on in my life that I don't feel too comfortable sharing on here at this point. However, I will say that they have been an interesting test of the power of positive thinking (or negative, whichever the case may be). Based on how so many things have played out recently I realize that the only course of action is to maintain a positive attitude and focus on the outcomes I desire. The hows of all of those things will take care of themselves.

Last Week of School!

2010-06-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is the beginning of the last week of school for the boys and I can't wait! Oh sure, I'm ready for them to go back when the time comes, but I also love it when they are out of school and we can worry less about bedtime and homework and such. It's great to just be able to go out in the evenings and do things we want without having to constantly think about what has to get done.

I'm taking a break for the summer myself. After seriously overdoing my schedule last semester and ending up with my first "F" ever :( I decided I couldn't cram it all in like I was trying and do a good job. So, now I won't graduate until May and I'm fine with that. I'm also fine with the "F". I didn't do the work plain and simple. It would have broken my heart when I was in high school, but now it's just a sign that I need to slow it down.

After my last Weight Watchers meeting (where I gained 2/10 boo) I realized that I'm only 17 pounds from goal!!!! Holy crap! I still want to lose 10 more after goal to be in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height, but once I hit goal I'm going to be so freaking happy!! If you had told me in October that I'd be at this point now I would have told you that you were crazy. Sure, others have lost it faster, but I never thought I'd lose the weight. Now, I have all of these things I want to do and ways I want to test my body and that's something I never thought I'd feel. It's amazing and I owe it all to WW!!

Hope your week is great!

Lazy Monday

2010-05-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

I had all sorts of plans for today. I decided not to work (my job is flexible) today and get some stuff done around the house and do some more of my online job. I did manage to get a three mile walk in, but that was it. I honestly don't know what I wasted the time on, but Facebook and a nap took up a little too much of it.

On a more productive note, I went to the doctor last week to discuss my thyroid medication with him. He lowered my dosage the last time I had it checked and I've felt like garbage since. My hair has been falling out way more than I'm used to, and I cannot stay awake for anything. I told him I couldn't handle the way I was feeling on this dosage and he agreed to let me go back on the old one since I felt good on it and was only slightly overmedicated on it. I have to go back in a month to see what it looks like. He was very impressed with the weight loss (which now stands at 40.4 pounds) and just kept telling me how great it was. He's happy with where I am now even though I'm still overweight but he's also very happy with my goal of 145. He was also very supportive of my new vegetarian diet and while he did crack a few hippie jokes (and then admitted that was an unfair stereotype) he didn't say anything about getting enough protein or anything like I expected. Overall it was a great visit and I hope the medicine improves how I'm feeling so I don't have too many more days like today.

Sorry I've been MIA

2010-05-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

You know how it goes. You get busy, you get behind on posting and then you feel like it's been too long. But here I am anyway, and here's just a mismash of what's been going on.

My semester is over and it didn't go very well (at least by my standards). I had five classes and one of them was a bear! It's a two part course, the second part will be in the fall, and it took up all my time. I managed to get a B in that class, an A in my psych lab and a C+ in another English class. I had two other English classes and didn't manage to get any of the work completed. One of the two professors offered to give me a passing withdraw which means I can take it again without if impacting my GPA this semester (YAY)! The other offered me an extension if I turned in one paper. I really wanted to do that because it's so much cheaper, but I just didn't have the money for the cost of the extension of enough of the reading done to get a good paper finished. I expect that professor to fail me and I totally understand that. It will be my first ever F though and that will be rough. I'll be taking it again in the fall either way.

Things are still going well on the vegetarian front. I still don't miss meat at all and have been finding some great new meals. I'm still not totally there on the vegan thing. I'm almost there but sour cream and laughing cow cheese are tripping me up. I've found vegan sour cream, cream cheese, and butter but the points are so high on Weight Watchers that they aren't worth it.

Speaking of WW I'm doing OK but I could be doing so much better. I've lost 39 pounds so far and it feels amazing, but I've been slacking the past few weeks. This week has been horrible, I've been eating like crazy and I expect a gain at the meeting on Thursday. I'll get back on track, but I feel like crap right now and I just want to eat. WW is a lifestyle and not a diet though. I won't beat myself up about it anymore!

Books Should Be Written

2010-04-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Yes they should. Books should be written about my mad procrastination skills! Seriously, it's insane. I used to be pretty on top of things when I was working full time, but now that I have no set schedule and work is different every week I'm a mess! Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining. I really prefer this over the alternatives (OK, I'll take full time pay) but I need to force myself to at least try to stick to some sort of schedule so that things get done. So here's the rundown for the week...

About 10 hours of work in four stores (two are 20 minutes away) squeezed in somewhere
Zumba classes on Tuesday and Friday
Brownies delivered to my son's school Wednesday morning and lunch with friends in the afternoon
Lunch with my son on Thursday, then Weight Watchers in the evening since I can't go in the afternoon
Hopefully doing something with my best friend on Friday
Archery for my oldest on Saturday

Doesn't sound too bad, but I also need to fit in...
Wax that must be rescheduled since I can't go Thursday
Car inspection and oil change HAS to be done this week
Call my doctor about the fact that my hair is falling out and I'm narcoleptic and pray he doesn't make me come in to see him
Four papers for school and a final exam as well as turning in an extension form and $150 for one of the classes since I didn't do anything for the class (with the exception of the paper I'll do this week to get the extension)
I have a ton of plants on my front porch that are going to die if I don't get them in my garden
Online work for extra money since I'm as broke as they come right now

I'm tired now. Is the week over?

But honestly, I LOVE my life and things may be crazy, but they just keep getting better!